He was my only hope; he was the only warmth in this place where I could only expect pain and coldness.
Alexander was my comfort, it felt easier to breathe with him near, and simply the sound of his voice eased me from my constant nightmares and fears. We continued sharing the notes, which I came to expect and read with joy, getting to know his world, his thoughts and him as I wrote things in return of my own world, I guess we formed some kind of relationship, I guess we both felt lonely to suddenly feel such closeness to one another, such an odd bond.
He was one of them, but he wasn’t a monster, I felt his warmth, I saw it, I breathed it… I began to see him as a victim much like myself, victim of this mindless war where in the end he had only two options; fight and kill, or be killed himself. I felt his sadness, I could feel the longing of a life so different, yearn of freedom, perhaps even love…
I guess I knew even before he wrote it, I knew from the way he looked at me, the way he touched; tender yet hesitant… I didn’t think he would hurt me, I couldn’t see it in him. He was nervous when he gave that note, it didn’t say it openly, others perhaps wouldn’t have been able to read between the lines without any suspicion or knowledge before, but it was well enough for me to understand, his gaze confirmed it and for awhile I remember watching him carefully, in deep thought, I still couldn’t see him as sinner, his eyes were too kind and warm and he hadn’t hurt me, just a lonely young man, wanting love just as badly as the rest of us, he just wasn’t looking to find it from a wife.
His presence felt comfortable, what he revealed didn’t really make me drew back, I wanted to be held by him, wanted to feel his tenderness; I guess I had gotten used to him and I guess I had become curious. I felt no fear when I was near him, held in his arms, I never even thought he could force me and he never did, what happened was because I felt no need to stop him.
I couldn’t say how long it took; it was eerily quiet night then, like before I was cuddled close to him, comfortable with his warmth, afraid to lose it. He was stroking my hair watching the flames quietly, hint of alcohol on his breath, his fingertips moving to stroke my neck as he tenderly kissed the top of my head. I looked up and met with his thoughtful gaze, his hand moved to bring my chin up, looking into my eyes. I swallowed but did not move when his lips came to contact with mine.
Alexander kissed me, tenderly, softly and I felt confused but not disgusted and I did not pull away.
After all, like I said, I had sensed his want often, but it wasn’t like the monsters… It felt so soft, I could feel him tremble as his hand reached to my cheek, his forehead laid against mine, his eyes were close and he whispered something, I didn’t really need to know his language to understand; his face revealed the emotion; his fingers that had wrapped around my over sized shirt, desire that he tried to fight against; forgive, he wanted my forgiveness…
Hesitantly, wanting to comfort the man who was so good to me, I leaned closer and brushed his lips with my own, I let myself be taken over by the moment, I had nothing to lose except his company… I didn’t want to see him looking so pained, I was curious, I wanted to feel warmth, wanted to feel alive… My action I guess surprised him, his eyes slowly opened and stared deep into my own, his hand caressed my face and my hair before his lips again reached to kiss mine, longer this time until by instinct my lips parted giving him access, his tongue; so soft, moist and hot gently started to massage my own, though odd not at all unpleasant, I responded, hesitantly causing the kiss turn stronger, yet never did it feel forced, never did I feel threatened, I shivered in his arms as he slowly pulled me closer and closer, until I was seated on his lap. His hands moved along my back, caressing and feeling, so tender and so soft… Many would maybe say I lost my mind but for a moment brief that night I felt safe, I felt loved… crazy; perhaps I was?
He lay me down on the mattress, his hands still trembled as they began to undress me, his eyes; nervous, hesitant and yet filled with desire, and I wanted him to have me, I wanted to give myself to him, crazy; yes but how could it matter anymore?
His skin against my own felt smooth and warm, I listened to his hard breathing, I felt his arousal, yet still oddly enough I didn’t feel disgusted; nervous perhaps? Guilty? –slightly, but I didn’t stop him… In the soft yellow glow I allowed my gaze to travel on his body, the contour of his muscles, beneath the velvety skin, his eyes carefully watching my face as he removed the remains of our clothing, I found myself smiling at him, small smile to tell him I didn’t object.
He leaned down, brushing his lips against my cheek, lightly almost like the touch of a feather, his fingertips slid carefully further down on my body, carefully circling my nipples before travelling lower, until touching my soft organ, I found him watching it carefully and I felt a hint of embarrassment, further more when he leaned down to kiss it, I shivered, his kiss send tingling kind of sensation all over my body which grew when his actions grew bolder; warm tongue teasing my length and I could feel blood rushing down, slowly filling the veins making it grow and harden, further seek his warmth, I couldn’t look at his face, too embarrassing I thought and yet he only seemed encouraged; he took me into his mouth, hot, moist… My hand reached to his hair almost wanting to tell him off; the sensation were odd yet pleasant, not entirely new but something I hadn’t experienced with another… His hand took mine squeezed for comfort as he stubbornly continued, his free hand, fondled my testicles for a moment before gently his finger nudged against my opening; I gasped but did not protest.
For a moment he released my organ from his mouth, whispered something, smiled before slicking his hand with his spit and continued to fondle me. His fingers were gentle, one at first then a second, all the while he paid attention to my now leaking organ and I whimpered softly, confusion embarrassment and pleasure moving through me, I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but I didn’t want to reflect on it too deeply.
Then before too long our bodies slowly emerged, it was different, painful but different way and less, he was gentle, didn’t rush, when completely inside me he stopped and kissed my lips, for awhile we just stayed like that and my body adjusted, hints of pain when he slowly started to move but I soon forgot when his hand sneaked between our bodies to caress my organ in the rhythm of his thrusts, his lips moved on my skin caressing, soft whispers in his foreign language, he made me forget the outside world,
Tingling, warm, starting from my toes running through my body, making me tremble and whimper; pleasure no pain, so intense and so new, nothing like I ever felt before. He held me, I heard him gasp, groan and his muscles tensing, releasing only shortly after myself.
I heard the rattle of the fire near by, his lips softly caressed my skin, suddenly I was afraid of the moment he would pull away from me and stubbornly for awhile I wanted to hold on, didn’t want to feel cold again and alone, wanted to shield myself with him, hide from the monsters, but eventually the dawn would take him away like every other time and what would become of me?
I felt confused; we laid there, our bodies still joined, wind outside, fire, his breathing, his head rested on my chest for a moment, his eyelashes tickling my skin softly before finally he raised his head up to look at my face, smiling softly in away that caused me to smile back to him, brush of moist, warm lips on my own and gently he withdrew his length from inside me, but soon enough pulled me back close wrapping us under a blanket, I held on, hid my face against his chest, hoping that the dawn wouldn’t reach us too soon.
I knew I was in trouble, it wasn’t planned, I was taken over by the moment and now laying there with him made me more afraid than I had ever been. I cared for him, loved him even… First male I ever slept with and I was mesmerised of his warmth, softness, everything that he was. I gently caressed his soft hair, watching him, relieved that he seemed to want to stay close like this; that I had managed to give him pleasure.
And now I didn’t want to let go, didn’t want them to have him, I wanted to hide him, safe him… If there had been a possibility for us to hide together I would have jumped to take it… That night I don’t think I slept at all, just holding him, watching him in deep thought becoming more determined to do what I could to get him back home safely, even if it would mean risking my own life. Perhaps I was a foolish young man in love with a boy that perhaps really couldn’t feel the same kind of love back for me, so vulnerable and fragile there in my arms; suddenly the only thing, the only one that mattered in my world. I knew that eventually he would be killed if I did nothing, eventually they’d be forced to cover their dirty tracks and letting him go wasn’t an option they’d consider.
How would I be able to let that happen after what we shared?
The dawn reached us too soon, I gently kissed the sleeping youth making him stir awake, he blinked and after a moment smiled at me in away that melted my heart and made my decision truly feel right.
“I will get you out, be patient, won’t be long anymore,” I whispered leaning down to steal another gentle kiss, his big green eyes watched me with curiosity as if trying to read what I had just told him, he looked so cute I thought to myself and felt sadness thinking I would have to part from him, to safe his life it was the only thing possible.
“I love you,” I whispered while cleaning us both before I would have to leave him to take care of things. I think I wouldn’t have had the guts to tell him had I known he’d be able to understand. He smiled at me softly, looking at me and before I could go he hugged me tightly, kissing my cheek,Yes, I knew it was a right decision.
My Secret Shore