The chill of the fresh spring air felt lovely and welcomed on my skin. Like a child I played with the snow on the ground and found my moment of joy. There wasn’t much snow left, approaching April and I felt happy that I could see the beauty of spring one last time.
I took in a deep breath, the time was running out, I could feel it and I wanted to cherish this last moment, feeling the ground beneath my hands; wet, I leaned down and smelled and when I looked back towards the cabin, the porch where Alexander was standing giving me an amused curious look, I smiled, in the light mist of the day he looked even more gorgeous, he would be fine, he would make it if given the chance and one day he’d find joy again. It was an odd calming feeling that settled inside of me; just for that moment I suddenly felt no fear even as I already anticipated my death.
The sky was beautiful that day, baby blue, rays of sun already warming, I raised my arms towards the sky, close my eyes and smiled softly, perhaps Alexander thought I had lost my mind, when again I looked at him he was slowly approaching, tilting his head.
“I will see my parents soon, I can feel it.” I whispered to him explaining my reason to smile, though he wouldn’t be able to understand. “Don’t be scared Sascha,” I added, looking towards the forest, direction where I assumed the boarder of my land would be located, “I do miss home.” He stopped next to me, his hand lowering on my shoulder.
‘’’We should continue, it’s dangerous to stay,’’’ he spoke to me and I realised he still held on thinking he could save my life, I slowly got up, ‘’’Wait, I go get the blankets and my bag…’’’ I watched as Alexander started to return towards the cabin and that’s when we both heard them; approaching army, them, not mine, I could see them from where I stood, they had yet to see us, but I knew it was too late to run and hide just the same, even if I’d be able, Alexander would be caught.
He looked towards me, horror and fear growing in his eyes, I could see he still didn’t want to believe it, he ran towards me, trying to make me move,
‘’’Run Elias! Run, you can make it!’’’ He urged and I shook my head sadly,
“It’s too late,” I whispered, “there might be chance for you,” I added, looked towards where they were approaching and did the only thing that came to my mind; I started to scream, I called the help of my own army knowing they would not reach us, and as Alexander gazed me in shock, still trying to urge me to run with him, I started to struggle against him, calling him with dirty names I could think of; Russian pig, a bastard, cursing with viol mouth that would have embarrassed my mother.
Alexander still didn’t understand, his face revealed his utter shock; why was I drawing attention? Why was I fighting him? I slapped his face, forced him to take a hold of his gun, point it at my chest and he kept shaking his head as I continued to scream, whispering pleads for him to just shoot me in front of them, but he didn’t want to see that I’d be killed anyway, within reason I couldn’t blame him for being reluctant to do it himself.
“You fucking filthy perverts!” Tears fell from my eyes, they could already see us, “You pigs!” I gasped, Alexander stood there frozen, and in my mind I pleaded for him to understand that I was trying to save his life. “I fooled you all!” I started to laugh madly, backing away, “A fucking child escaped you bastards! Fucking stupid Russian filth!” I spat, more guns were pointing at my direction and I kept praying for one of them to pull the trigger to end my life fast.
By the look on their faces; sick twisted smiles, I knew they wouldn’t give my death with mercy, and calmness I had felt earlier was leaving me, my screams turned to desperate cries; these were not people, they were monsters. Five men approached me, five that I remembered all having taken their pleasure from me before, I shook my head backing away, cursing at them, and damning them to hell.
Finally I turned and started to run; just shoot me, shoot me, let it end but do not take me back!- I kept thinking to myself, but they did not give me this. The man appeared from nowhere, so it seemed and when running into him made me fall back on the wet snow, he quickly pulled me up, laughing darkly and knowing I had nothing to lose anymore I spat on his face; it earned me an angry slap and a bleeding nose, yet I did not cry out from pain to satisfy them.
He dragged me forward back towards where the others stood, Alexander with them and I kept hoping he’d realise to play along with my act; the only thing he could do to save his life, mine was beyond reach now.
They took me back in a car, Alexander stayed and as the car moved I looked back in worry, praying they’d believe he was not trying to run, but perhaps only had ran to capture me; their escaped prisoner?
The sun continued to shine, unaffected by what was happening, my tears ran down silently and all the way back I simply continued to look outside, trying to take in every detail of the nature, somehow knowing these sceneries would be the last I’d see. I thought about my small siblings and I smiled, I must have appeared crazy to them, I didn’t care, perhaps my fear made the sudden feel of laughter rise in my chest, for I confess for a moment I did laugh and then again, I cried.
Aino and Olavi were alive, I felt it, they’d go on and they would grow up, yes and they would be happy, I wanted to believe this and I did.
It wasn’t suppose to happen, this wasn’t the plan… I feel numb inside, I can’t understand, why did they find us so fast? How?
I stand in the middle of the room, in front of his desk, looking down to the wooden floor, still unsure what will become of me, all I know is Elias did it for me, I failed to save him and he…
“The boy was acting crazy… had ran, Volkov went after him after telling myself and corporal Nikitin,” by Nikitin Vladimir who was speaking, meant Sergei, I had no idea why he was lying, but I didn’t like it, yet did I deny it either; denying would mean death, and I wasn’t sure if it was part my weakness that I choose my silence. Too many voices in my head, too many thoughts, most of them revolving around Elias and what had happened and what would happen to him now. “Volkov thought he could bring the boy back before he’d get far, yet I choose to alert others.”
“Very wisely done Sadov,” Lieutenant agreed and finally sat down smiling as he took a pen and started to play with it, “had he escaped we’d all be in serious trouble.” He mused to himself, and then looked towards me, I tried my best to hold his gaze, “the rest of you can go, I’d like to talk with Volkov.” He said calmly and I listened to the footsteps, listened as the door closer after the others and then we were alone.
“Well… “He smiled, tilting his head, “…Alexander, you always was a bit foolish, weren’t you?” He smirked, “now, don’t look so worried, the boy is here now, he will no longer escape, though obviously I can’t have you guarding him anymore.” I feel sick and I can’t find my voice for a moment, I’m quite certain he knows the truth.
“W-what will happen to him?” I finally force myself to ask.
“Tomorrow we have a little private catering, I expect you to be there Alexander and remind you it is not a request.” He smiles in sickening way that makes my stomach turn, “consider yourself lucky my boy. Your punishment could be greater for failing to watch over a prisoner in such a way, yet for your fathers honour I let it pass…”
I nod a bit stiffly,
“May I leave now?” I ask, feeling more nauseous, hardly able to keep myself from screaming, I can not bear this, I can’t bear this fear for him.
“Yes you may,” he says and as I’m opening the door his voice again stops me; “tomorrow you will be there and you will watch it, all of it.” He says oddly calm, and I squeeze my eyes shut muttering my strangled cry. I know he knows, and this punishment is worse that death, two men wait for me behind the door, ask me to come with them, I realise I will have no hope to see him before, I realise what will happen and I can hardly force myself to walk, the pain; it’s choking me from inside and I can not voice it….I can not help it…
There is no God, there can’t be, for he wouldn’t let this happen, would he?…
Web published: April 9th, 2009.
My Secret Shore