The room where I was taken, was not the one I spend all those weeks in, also to my surprise there was another prisoner with me. As the door closer, the man turned and at first I only noticed his uniform; indicating that he was one of my own people and even in the dim circumstances I felt a short rush of relieved joy.
“Elias?” I looked at his face with surprise and walked closer hesitantly, hardly believing my own eyes, a small cry escaped my lips, disbelief and astonishment,
“Eerik, how…?” I shook my head looking at the friend of my father before rushing forward to hug him; it felt both good and wrong to see him there. His arms held me as I broke down in tears.
“What on earth are you doing here?” He asked with a whisper, his hand going to my hair and I brought my head up to look at him, no words left me, I didn’t know what to tell him.
“I don’t know, I don’t know…” I repeated and it was the honest truth, I didn’t understand why my fate had taken this turn.
“You’re too young… “He whispered “what is this…is this real?” He questioned.
When I started shiving from cold, he took his jacket off and placed it on my shoulders, his face serious and concerned.
“Of all the things I’ve seen, seeing you here is the oddest.” He spoke, “tell me how this is possible?”
“They took me…It was January…” I whispered, “I’ve been here since January…”
He shook his head, confusion written all over his face,
“You’re but 15, you should be here,” he stated. “My God what have they done to you?”
I couldn’t voice it, perhaps he realised for he was silent for a long time, but neither of us voiced it then.
I could hear him swallow thickly,
“They got us off guard two nights ago, many were killed….” He started, “They took four of us, two were shot here, the forth, he was young… they took him, I do not know where and…” He swallowed again, I close my eyes briefly, guessing what had been done to the young soldier, I started to tremble heavily and he pulled me closer to hug me, “I don’t understand this,” he repeated.
“Mom was sick… they came… and they took me…” I whispered, “Eerik, I’m scared…They’re going to kill me, I know it.”
“This can’t be real…” He again whispered, “This is wrong…” he didn’t release his hold of me.
The minutes and hours passed, we sat on the floor, it was cold and he tried to keep me warm by staying close, holding me against his chest. Which each passing minute my restlessness grew, too much time to reflect the possible death that would be waiting.
”Do you think there is heaven?” I whispered breaking the silence that had set between us.
“Yes, of course there is.” He assured, perhaps trying to comfort, perhaps wanting to believe it as well.
“I have done sin…” I whispered,
“Everyone has, here you are innocent, and you are just a child Elias… It will be over soon…” His voice was broken, but I appreciated that he didn’t try to lie it would work out. I guess he knew he’d be killed as well.
“You know, you look so much like your mother…” He whispered looking down, trying to smile but his eyes revealed how troubled he was. “Your father was so proud of you, all of you; he loved your mother so…” Again he swallowed. ”Don’t fear…”
I prayed silently that Alexander would be safe, that my siblings were as well, they were the only ones that mattered right now.
I did not sleep that night, neither did my companion, just waited, dreaded and when I was almost dozing to sleep I heard the steps nearing the room and startled, I held on to Eerik, who in a protective manner held me against his chest, both looking towards the door. It opened with a heavy creak; darkness was attacked with bright light pouring in, three men aimed their guns on us,
“Move boy, Lieutenant has requested for you.” One of them smirked and I felt the rush of fear taking me over holding even tighter of my father’s friend as we slowly stood up.
“You will not take him anywhere, he’s just a child! For God’s sake let him home where he belongs!”
“Silence, let go of the boy,” when Eerik refused, one of the men stepped closer and tore me away from him, I screamed, panic was taking me over, afraid of the pain and torture I knew would be expecting.
“You have no right! He’s just a child!” I heard Eerik screaming as I was forcefully led away, one of the men staying behind with him.
My screams echoed along the corridors as I kept kicking and fighting against those who held me, nothing helped, they brought me to the more familiar room undressing me with harsh hands before I was being washed. The woman was there, her hands were cold, and she was silent, serious, and perhaps even sad? I wasn’t sure.
They were washing me and I knew what for, I wanted to throw up, I heard them speaking, her tone was nervous, shocked even and I looked from one to the other hoping I could understand and on the other hand I didn’t want to,
“Walk over to that table boy, bend over,” One of them finally spoke and I shook my head fiercely, holding on to the towel given to me to dry myself with.
“No,” I shook my head, tears running down on my cheeks, landing on my lips where I could taste the saltiness.
“You thank me later, do it.” He demanded and I seriously doubted I’d be thanking anyone, but numbly I obeyed; there was no use in fighting.
I gasped when her hand touched my naked back, first time she ever spoke to me and the voice was gentle, I felt the oil on my skin, could smell the sweet mocking scent, her hands moved along my body and I felt greater humiliation when she started massaging it between my buttocks, rubbing the oil inside with her fingers, somehow her touch inside me like that felt more humiliating than theirs, she was gentle, yet I felt sick, my fear was real, they’d rape me before my death and she must have known this.
I dressed on the clothes that I was given; a long, white, cotton shirt and grey pants. The scent of the oil lingered around me and made me feel ill, it was for their pleasure certainly not mine.
I was too weary to scream as I was being lead to his office, I kept begging for a miracle that would give me my death fast.
He wasn’t there, but the man I recognised as the friend of Sascha was
“Lieutenant will be here shortly.” He said, and nodded towards the man “he will guard you.”
We were let alone in the room, he looked tired and sad, I glanced at the gun he held,
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and I simply nodded, I looked out, then towards the table; papers and pens on top of it. I approached the table,
“If I write to him, can you make sure he gets it?” I pleaded with hoarse voice; he nervously glanced at the door.
“Hurry then,” he asked.
I sat down, reaching for a piece of paper and a pen, took a deep breath and close my eyes briefly before I began to write.
ei ole paljon aikaa, tiedän mikä minua odottaa ja olen miltei varma, etten tule näkemään seuraavaa aamua.
On vaikea löytää oikeat sanat, toivon, että olet turvassa. Olet ollut minulle niin hyvä, ainut lohtuni tässä paikassa; lämpöni ja turvani, rakastan sinua; niin hullua kuin se onkin ja tiedän sinun tuntevan samoin, yrityksesi pelastaa henkeni todisti sen. En halua, että syytät itseäsi, teit minkä pystyit ja haluan, että teet niin myös jatkossa. Tee kaikkesi jotta selviät!
Haluan, että tiedät kuka todella olen, sukunimeni on Lahti, synnyin huhtikuun 23.päivä 1927. Vanhempani ovat kuolleet, äitini oli hyvin sairas kun minut vietiin, enkä usko hänen selvinneen. Minulla on kaksi sisarusta; Aino on 6 ja Olavi 4, en voi olla varma heidän kohtalostaan, mutta tunnen sydämessäni, että he ovat elossa.
Kerron tämän sinulle, koska esitän viimeisen pyyntöni ja luotan sinuun koko olemuksellani; selviydy, taistele, tee kaikkesi jotta selviät tämän sodan, kun se on ohitse, pyydän sinut etsimään sisarukseni, en halua heidän jäävä epätietoon kohtalostani. Kerro heille, että olen kuollut, mutta säästä heidät yksityiskohdilta, valehtele jos sinun täytyy, että kuolemani oli nopea.
Kerro heille, miten paljon heitä rakastan.
Jos mahdollista, pyydän sinua etsimään vielä kolmannen henkilön, joka on minulle tärkeä; hänen nimensä on Emma, paras ystäväni. Hän muutti Tukholmaan 1939 kesällä, hänen äitinsä meni siellä naimisiin ja heidän sukunimensä muuttui Koivusta Lindgreeniksi. Kirjoitan Emmalle toisen kirjeen, jonka liitän tämän kirjeen mukaan. Jos et löydä heitä; ymmärrän, heidän löytämisensä saattaa olla vaikeaa.
Viimeiseksi Sascha; kiitos, kiitos kaikesta. Jos olet siellä tänään, tiedän, ettet voi tehdä mitään, tiedän, ettet haluaisi olla siellä. Jos syytät itseäsi, haluan että lopetat sen. Olet yhtälailla tämän sodan uhri kuin itsekin olen. En tiedä mitä muuta sanoa… Jokainen hetki sinun syleilyssäsi oli kallisarvoinen. Kiitos, että pitelit minua.
-Sinun: E.L –
I wrote a second letter hurriedly and close it inside the first before giving it to the man.
“Please give this to him when you can,” I asked getting a small nod as an answer and I watched how he tucked the letter safely in his uniform pocket.
The steps approached the room and I hurriedly stood, lowering my gaze on the floor before the door opened
‘’’Leave us Sergei.’’’ I heard him say and I swallowed thickly when hearing the door opening and closing leaving me alone with the monster whose steps drew nearer instantly.
He took a hold of my chin, forcing me to face him,
“You are looking quite marvellous today,” he sneered and I felt his unpleasant breath on my face, his other hand moved to my hip from where it slowly travelled lower. His body was pressing against mine, pining me against him and the table edge. His rough hand sneaked under the fabric of my shirt, stroking my naked stomach and making me wince.
“Don’t like my touch, do you boy?” He taunted, “Wishing it would be corporal Volkov to touch you like this? I bet you are. You want Alexander to thrust deep inside you, like a little slut you are.” His hand moved inside my pants and managed to shove his finger inside; I cried out, shivering from nausea “Hm…I see, they did a good job preparing you.” His lips brushed against my cheek as his finger kept moving in and out of my body; against my thigh I felt his hardness.
“What a long night this going to be…” His smile was sickening. “Alexander will be there; maybe he’ll even take you for one last time. You would so want that, wouldn’t you?” I shook my head and he started to laugh. “I do know your secret, but do not worry; I’ll let him live.” He whispered. “You’ll take the pain for him, won’t you?” I felt sick, my heart still raced as the fear kept growing, how many hours? How much pain? I wanted it to be over, I wanted to stop feeling and simply disappear. “Won’t you?” He repeated making me snap awake to the moment, for Alexander… I nodded my head, silent tears running down on my skin.
“If I was a better man, I might get touched by this, but since I am not… Maybe I will punish Alexander later on, I’ll punish him in private if you know what I mean… ” Disgust took me over and I watched him with wide disbelieving eyes, he couldn’t? Not my Sascha, and yet I knew he was pretty much capable to do anything he liked, right then I made my silent vow; not sure how but I would take him with me to death, revenge for everything and stop him from hurting Sascha.
Third person POV.
Alexander felt restless, he hadn’t been able to sleep, hadn’t been able to eat. He had feared this, waited with agonizing pain, trying to think of a way to stop it, but coming up with nothing. And so there he stood; his heart racing, palms sweating, knowing that the moment was almost there.
Sergei looked at him, placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a pocket flask from which to drink of.
”Did you see him?” Alexander asked taking the offered drink.
”Yes, I saw him.” The man answered tiredly.
”And? How was he?” Sergei looked at him sadly.
”Fine, for now.” He told him, Alexander nodded his head, looking at the other men in the room; men drinking, laughing, and waiting. The pain inside him grew stronger and he knew it would only continue growing. “There is nothing that you can do to save him.” Sergei whispered, reading his thoughts.
”Is there not?” Alexander looked at him angrily. “Did you tell them? I could have…”
“Vladimir… he had seen you leaving… I had no choice…” The man whispered sadly, “you had a better chance to survive than the boy…”
“I don’t want to be here… I can’t…How can I watch… God….” He moved restlessly, his hands were shaking, again he was offered a drink that in the end did nothing to calm him.
Finally his attention was drawn to the opening door.
The boy was thrown harshly onto the floor, in the middle of the room. With one pained sob, he pulled himself up on to his knees, tears clouding his vision. He took a deep breath before looking at the room where his last moments in life would be played. His death was not going be beautiful, nor was it going to be fast, but he knew that it was coming and how it was coming.
He saw the man, his secret love, gazed at him briefly not to give anything away to the men that did not know. He had seen his pain, fear and sorrow and could only beg he’d stay strong; there would be nothing he could do for him now.
It could have been beautiful, in another lifetime there might have been a chance, but not in this.
The monster who had brought him to this hell approached and by instinct he backed away. There was laughter, part of it confused, part of it cruel, it was a sickening play; other man from another direction, slow yet determined steps towards the boy who again backed away but soon he’d run out of where to escape. He gasped, shallow breathing, eyes darting around the room, knowing he was trapped.
Forceful hands finally picked him up, forced him to stand, pulling his hair to make his head fall back, while other ripped the thin shirt open. The war had left the men bitter and angry, waking the inner demons in those who were weak even in the beginning, those who had always been looking for excuses.
The boy was stripped fully; rough hands feeling his soft, pale skin, harsh breathing from around, he closed his eyes, wondering how long it would take. They were pushing him, knocking him down against the table and he cried out when he was roughly penetrated, his cries of pain soon muttered by another man’s organ forced between his lips. He trembled, the amount of pain felt too much and it did not end, he couldn’t be certain of how many in the end raped him, his mind allowed him to escape to a place where the pain was finally fading to the background.
Summer; running into the warm embrace of his mother. She was smiling; father was home, carefree days of the childhood. Playing with Emma in the water; the girl was laughing, they ran towards the forest to their place. They were certain that one day they’d marry; they were going to have five children, a big house, a farm; such simple dreams.
The warmth of Alexander’s hold and his kisses; he knew he loved the man, as crazy as it was, but he did.
The brutality of the boy’s rape was finally making some of the men sick of watching and with confusion they looked around, looking if anyone else found it to be too much, not so funny anymore and many shared the same emotion and yet no one dared to intervene.
Alexander’s whole being was trembling, the cries and the sounds making him sick and about to snap. Sergei held his hand on his shoulder, whispering him to remind him to keep silent and on his place not to make it worse. He was crying he couldn’t help the tears; it was too painful, too horrible, worse than he could have ever even imagined.
His agonising screams and the tears on Elias’ face were breaking his heart into pieces that surely no one would ever be able to gather, and of all the horrors of the war, this was the worst and would forever remain so.
The boy had started to beg them to end the pain, to end his life. And then he was quiet, lying on the floor, bruised, violated, blood on his thighs. His eyes were half open, his breathing slowing down, not much longer.
The lieutenant walked to him, pulled him up to sit on his lap still not satisfied fully even after already raping him. The boy was weak, feeling ill as again the sharp pain entered him, the smugness on the man’s face, sick twisted smile. Slightly awaking from the state of haze, his gaze was drawn to the gun on the monsters arm band. It was his chance; the man was too caught up in his pleasure taken by force, too smug to see the threat in his broken victim.
No one really noticed when the boys hand carefully reached for the weapon, waited for the further distraction of the man reaching his orgasm, making him weaker, one last look towards his lover, weary smile last goodbye… The gun firmly in his grip, the monster spend his seed inside of him with a heavy groan and that was when the boy quickly lifted the gun and pressed it against his stomach, smiled when the man gave him a look of surprised horror.
“Good bye,” The boy simply whispered in his ear before firing, the man’s eyes widened, screaming in pain, gasping, already tasting the blood in his mouth. All eyes were drawn to the scene in front of them, state of shock and the boy used it to act quickly, still holding the gun he lifted it up, pressing the pipe against his temple and before they would have time to take his life, he took it himself. The gun fell from the lifeless hand, just before the body followed landing on the floor with a heavy thud, glazed green eyes staring into emptiness, lying in the pool of his blood, but finally he was free of the pain.
Web published: April 9th, 2009.
My Secret Shore