24-25 Love and broken hearts

Chapter 24.


When I get home, I meet a peculiar sight; my father sitting in the kitchen having a cup of coffee with Pete.
“Marko!” Pete smiles when seeing me and stands up. I place my bag on the floor looking back and forth between the two. Then the table: two coffee cups, a bottle of brandy; already opened.
“Pete,” I say slowly. “What… Why…?”
“Why am I here?” He smiles, I nod my head. “I came to talk with you in person, and to meet your father to ask him…” He looks towards him.
“This man wants you to move back to his house and I think you should.” My father says and takes a sip of the brandy; drinking his glass empty, only to refill it again.
“I can’t, I only came to collect some clothes, I won’t be staying for the night.” My dad couldn’t care less, the only thing he cares about right now, is the glass of brandy in his hands.

“Marko, I wish we could talk.” Pete tells me then. I turn and walk towards my room hearing him follow.
“There is nothing to talk about Pete,” I answer to him, not looking at him, I know he’s there. “I’m not coming back, I’m happy now, I- “
“Happy here? Living like this?” I take my clothes from my closet and pack them.
“No. I’m happy with my new life, with my new boyfriend and with my new job.”
“But what could he give you? I can take you to the places that you’ve only dreamt of; Paris, Rome, London, New York…” Pete stands behind me, his hands on my shoulders, whispering to my ear. “…expensive hotels, restaurants, clothes, anything you can ever ask for. I know you Marko, deep down you know it; you want the life that only I can offer you.” I sigh and step away from him, then I turn around to face him.
“I don’t love you Pete. I want to make my own life, my own happiness, I want… I want to go to Stockholm with Jesse, I’d rather go there than to Paris or any of the cities you mentioned. I’d rather stay with him and his relatives than in all those fancy hotels with you.” I know I sound harsh, but I need this message to go through to him; I am not going back to him.
“Jesse as in Joni’s Jesse?” Pete raises his eyebrow.
“Jesse as in my new boyfriend Jesse, Joni’s ex, yes.” And then Pete starts to laugh.
“Jesse and you. Never thought that Jesse would go with the likes of you, Marko.” He smirks at me.
“I think you should leave,” I tell him, pointing towards the door. He steps closer to me.
“You and Joni…” He whispers, eyeing me. “… are but cheating whores.”
“Says a man who just minute ago was begging me; the whore, to come back to him.” I hiss at him. Anger flashes in his eyes, I see how he’s squeezing his hands into fists, I back out slightly.

“I want you to leave Pete. I won’t be coming back; ever. I was never happy, not with you.”
He smiles oddly at me.
“You think he won’t see through you? You think he can love you? You think he can forget about what you and Joni did?” He asks me. “Do you honestly think that he can forget? Let me tell you Marko; he won’t, I won’t. I won’t forget, you were mine Marko and I won’t forget who took you.” He turns and walks to the door, when he reaches it he turns once more. “You’ll come crawling back to me when Jesse has had enough of you.”

He leaves and I hear the front door slamming shut after him.


Cecilia stays and waits in the car while I go and get Marko. As I walk up the stairs, I suddenly see Pete hurrying down. I stop and stare at him, Joni’s words repeating in my mind. Then Pete sees me, he slows down, looks at me.
“Darling,” he smirks. I just blink my eyes at him. He looks back; to the direction where he came from, then back at me. “He’s a slut, Jesse. You could do so much better than Marko. Smart, good looking boy that you are.” He continues, coming closer, I back out until my back hits the railing. I never did like Pete, he’s weird and obnoxious, a horrible man to be with. Now I like him even less.
“He’s not a slut and I advise you not to use that word of him again.” I hiss at him, bringing my chin up. He stares at me and laughs.
“I do like you, Jesse. You are nothing like the most, such a sweet boy, honest and…” He tilts his head to the side. “You could do better.” Then he takes his wallet and hands me a business card, in my stunned state I take it. “When you see Marko for what he is, give me a call.” He winks at me and I look at the card in my hands with his name and number in it. I tear it in half and throw the pieces away.
“I see you for what you are, Pete, and it ain’t pretty. Leave Marko alone, don’t come near him.”
Again he laughs.
“You really are something, Jesse,” he shakes his head and walks away. “The offer still stands though!” He shouts before stepping out. I shudder with disgust. There would be a cold day in hell before I’d accept an offer from a man like him.

I continue my walk upstairs and ring the doorbell. Marko opens for me.
“Are you ok? What did Pete want? Did he touch you?” I drown him with questions before he even has the time to say hello.
“I’m fine, Jesse.” He smiles, letting me in. “He just, well basically he begged me to come back to him and when I said that I wouldn’t, he said I’m a cheating whore like Joni.” Marko explains, shaking his head.
“He’s weird, Marko, I don’t want you to see him anymore.” I tell him, following him into his room.
“Don’t worry, I have no intention and I didn’t invite him here, he just came, brought my dad a bottle of brandy; it’s the only thing my dad needs to think of someone as his new best friend.” Marko takes his bag from the bed and turns to me. “I’m ready, let’s go?” He smiles. I nod my head.

“Bye dad! See you when I see you!” He shouts from the door before we head back to the car.


“So I was wondering, would you like to come with me tomorrow; to see my grandmother? She’s like the only relative that actually cares for me. She tends to forget things, but…” Marko asks as we are lying on my bed that night.
“Sure, of course, I’d love to meet her.” And Marko smiles so happily that it would melt anyone’s heart. He leans over to kiss me, slowly moving to lie on top of me. I wrap my arms around him, one going to his hair, the other moves on his butt.
He moves his head up and we just stare in each others eyes, his hand touches my cheek softly, stroking my hair away from my face.
“You are so beautiful Jesse,” he whispers and kisses me on the lips so softly, so gently. “I don’t know how I manage when you leave to the army. I’ll cry myself to sleep every night. I will, I sure will.”
“Silly, we still have almost 6 months before I go, and besides, it’s not like I go far away from you, we can see each other when I have an evening off, and most of the weekends, and it is less than a year. You’ll do fine.”
“I hate the army, I hate war and I hate guns, if I didn’t hate those things so much I’d try to get to the same place where you’d be and then… then we could have naughty army sex.” Marko giggles. “Promise me we can have hot army sex with you wearing your uniform.” I chuckle under him.
“Alright, I promise Marko.”
“And can we have nice naughty sex now?” He asks me, rocking his pelvis against me, to his question I answer with a hungry kiss. He moves my shirt up, I help to take it off completely and then watch as he sits up, to remove his own. Golden cross glimmers against his bare chest and I bring my hand to touch it, I always thought it was a beautiful cross.

“It’s quite old,” Marko whispers, “it belonged to my big uncle, you remember the one who got killed in war time when he was very young? He gave it to his sister, my grandmother and she gave it to me after my mom left.” He continues and leans over again to kiss me.
“It’s pretty,” I tell him.
“I like it too, I like wearing it. Made in a time when… oh never mind, let’s just have sex…” Another kiss, I moan in his mouth, moving my hands between our bodies to open his pants. Marko sits up again to undress mine, pulling them off completely with my boxers.
“You’re eager,” I chuckle to this fast movement and watch as he stands up to undress himself.
“Do you mind?” He grins. I shake my head, bring my hand to touch my already hard cock, giving it few strokes.
“Not at all,” I tell him then.
“Lube?” He asks.
“Oh yeah, check the wardrobe, behind the underwear.” He looks at me with a grin.
“Couldn’t find any place farther from the bed?”
“Maybe I planned it, so I can watch your naked ass when you get it,” I grin back. Marko shakes his hips seductively and looks at me from over his shoulder, grin on his lips. Then he walks over to the wardrobe to get it.
“You know Jesse, if you were trying to hide it from your mom, I have a pretty good suspicion that she wouldn’t be too shocked to find a bottle of lube from her gay son’s room.” He chuckles. Damn, he caught me. I just like the idea of my mom completely unaware that I am a sexual being, yeah, yeah I know she knows, but oh well…

“Tonight Jesse…” Marko starts then, walking towards me. “… what I want, is to touch you.” He tells me, sitting on the edge of the bed, running his hand down on my chest to my stomach slowly towards my groin. Light strokes on my swollen member, until the hand travels even farther down, a soft touch of a finger on my opening; cold and I shiver. I look into his eyes and see him smiling down. He circles the finger slowly on the sensitive flesh, almost pushing in, but not quite.
“I’ve never done this Jesse, but I’ve been wanting it since the first time I saw you, I wanted you every way possible and I’ve had you in every other way but this. Can I? If you don’t want it, tell me, and I will not push it further.”

“I do want it, I want it so bad it hurts.” I whisper hoarsely. Marko takes the lube, squeezes some on his palm and rubs it between his hands to warm it. He leans over to kiss me again, and bring my knees up and spread my legs to give him better accesses. I feel his finger going inside and soon a second joins the first. My body trembles from anticipation and soon I just find myself asking him to do it already, wanting to feel him inside so bad.

And so Marko moves to lay between my spreaded thighs, he kisses my lips, guiding himself against me and slowly, tenderly. I feel his cock moving inside me. I gasp when he starts moving, slowly, so slowly.
“Oh fuck, feels so good.” I whisper, wanting to shout but stopping myself when remembering where we are and who might hear.
“It does, it feels incredible Jesse…” Marko lays his forehead down on mine, his eyes close, lips open, breathing heavily.
“Harder,” I ask him and soon enough he fills my request and we look deep in each other’s eyes, so close, so close, moving together, so perfect, it was never this perfect with Joni and I smile, kiss him, keeping my eyes open, watching him; he’s so beautiful, so beautiful. I feel the muscles on his back, grasp his hair; so soft. Then my hands move to his butt, urging him to go deeper, as deep as he can go. His eyes are green now, green as the leaves in the forest.
“I love you,” I whisper to him and he smiles, I love it when he smiles I love the smile on his face now, so sincere, so true.
“I love you too Jesse.” He tells me, moving in me, he throws his head back; so beautiful.

And later we’re lying in each others arms in the darkness of my room, naked, relaxed. I feel so content there, with him and still it amazes me how fast things can change. It was so weird seeing Joni, especially after his boyfriend came over with that thing, but I know Joni is happy with him. He has changed, too, today he was so… relaxed? Happy? Different at least, different in a good way, like the wall he usually kept around others; the coldness of him has started to crumble. When I was with him, he could be warm and cuddly when we were alone, but with others… hm… he could be a major dick if he wanted. Now I saw none of that in him, which can only mean that Misha is good for him, that Misha is the one for him? Thinking about it only makes me happier, things can really work for the best, things tend to work out in the end. The only thing still left for me to solve is my friendship with Kim, somehow I need to fix it, I want to fix it.


I’m in heaven, yes I am. Jesse by my side, my arm around him, I keep my eyes closed but at times I just need to check that it’s really him, that I am not just dreaming. And the sex… it was sooo perfect, well sex with Jesse has been perfect either way. Jesse is perfect, I love him to bits and I can’t wait to introduce him to grandma, she will love him to bits, too. I just hope that this time when I go see her she’ll actually remember who I am and doesn’t think that we’re living in the 40’s and that I am her brother, because that is just weird when it happens.

The only thing that worries me is Pete and what he said. With my luck, I can expect more trouble from him, I am certain that my family is cursed, it has to be it; men in our family are cursed. But on the other hand, I have Jesse now and… Well, having Jesse is the best thing ever so maybe it means that the curse is over. Maybe I already had my share of it in the past.

I snuggle closer to Jesse and kiss his shoulder. I feel so happy and safe here, please let me keep this happiness.

Chapter 25.


Seems that Pete hasn’t given up that easily, it is the only explanation as to why I keep getting calls from anonymous number, why every time I make the mistake to answer; there is only heavy breathing to be heard from the other side. At first I thought it was some lame ass joke from one of my friends, it wouldn’t have been the first time that they would have tried to pull something like that, unfortunately I soon found out that it wasn’t just a game.

After like three such breathing calls I decided to start playing along to this joke, or what I really thought as such. So I asked who was this secret admirer of mine and if he was getting hard listening to my voice. A man’s voice asked in return what I was wearing and I told him; ‘whatever you want me to wear, baby’. That was when it just got too weird, the hoarse voice telling me he’d like me naked, blindfolded and tied and that he’d like to spank me hard before he would … I laughed somewhat nervously and asked who it really was. The man was quiet for a while and then answered;
‘I want to fuck you raw.’ The voice sent chills down my spine, and not the good kind, so I quickly hung up. If only it had stopped there, but it didn’t.

I almost jump now every time my phone rings and I hate it. It is just a phone, it can’t hurt me and I am sure that it’s just Pete wanting to mess with me; again he has just gotten someone else for his dirty work.

I never thought that sleeping with Marko could get me into this kind of trouble; I never thought that Pete could be… That he would lose it like this. This is what they all warned me about and I never believed them before. What did I do? I simply laughed at these warnings! And I was sure Misha had scared him away for good…

And I don’t like admitting weakness, I don’t want to admit my worry and I don’t want to go ask for help. I am a grown man, for goodness sake; I’ve been able to take care of myself for as long as I can remember.

So I keep quiet, telling myself that whatever it is, this time, I can take care of it myself. I decide to not say a word about these weird phone calls to Misha. I don’t want to feel like a weak woman in this relationship, I am a man, I do not need his shelter, his protection.

I act like nothing is wrong and I hope he won’t see how nervous I am every time that my phone rings, I hide it, at least I try my best.



The weekend, when we’re supposed to meet with Joni’s family, arrives. It’s not often that I’ve gone to meet the parents, but then again it’s not often, if ever, that I’ve felt for someone like I feel for Joni. I want to be at my best and I want to have his father’s approval. I take extra care in choosing my clothes and fixing my hair. It is important to me, to have his father to like me as it seems that he has a close relationship with his son.

Joni parks the car in front of a big white two-storey house. He’s been a lot quieter than usually and it makes me wonder if something is bothering him. When I ask, though, the only reply that I get is that he’s tired.

“We’re here!” Joni informs when we get in and soon enough his father appears from around the corner. This time I pay more attention to what the man actually looks like. He’s tall, fit man who’s been treated kindly by the time. He has friendly blue eyes and sand colored hair.

“Well, we meet again.” The man says with a friendly grin, looking at me and then at his son. “Maybe a proper introduction is in order, don’t you think?” He asks then holding out his hand to me
“I’m Asko.” I smile and shake his hand.
“Misha Volochov, nice to meet you, sir.”
“Oh, we do not use such formalities here, just call me Asko.” He smiles. “Come, let’s sit in the kitchen and have some coffee?” I thank the man and follow his lead. Joni’s close beside me.

“My wife will join us later; she’s taken the kids out shopping.” Asko tells us.

“So Misha, tell me a little bit about yourself?” Asko asks after we sit down in front of the table, I straighten up on my chair.
“Well I am 27 and I work in a small computer firm.”
“So you aren’t a repairman then?” he asks with an amused tone of voice, glancing towards Joni, who stares down in his coffee mug. I can’t help but to chuckle a little.
“No sir, I am not, but I can be handy if needed.” I grin and only the realise that again I called him sir; old habits die hard.
“Well that’s good to know,” he smiles. “How long have you lived here?”
“I moved here when I was 20,”
“Had you studied this language before?”
“No I hadn’t, took me awhile to learn but…”
“Well I must say you’ve done an excellent job learning it.”
“Thank you.”
“And your family, how are they like?”
“I have an older brother who’s 31 and a younger brother who’s 25. They live in a small town near Moscow, like my mother. My father passed away years ago.”
“Do you visit them often?” He asks then and I smile to him.
“I try to visit them at least twice a year, my brothers have visited me here a couple of times, my mother has weak legs and doesn’t like to travel. I plan to visit them soon again; perhaps I can convince your son to join me.” I look at Joni then, who’s been oddly quiet. He stirs his spoon in his coffee cup, frown on his face like lost in deep thought. “Joni?” I ask him, he snaps his head up.
“Have you been listening?”
“Yeah, it’s great.” I give him an odd look, then I look at his father and see him looking at his son with a worried expression.
“Are you feeling okay son?”
“Couldn’t be better.” He smiles to the both of us. I wish I knew what is making him this way.


It’s too soon that Katja; my stepmother and my siblings return from their shopping trip. The twins run to the back yard, shouting and screaming and making my head hurt. Katja greets me and Misha in her usual cold manner and a fake smile. Sini, my sister runs to me and starts bugging me if I finally remembered to bring her her birthday gift; it’s almost two months late, shame on me.

“Bring my bag to me, it’s in the hall.” I tell her and watch as she runs over to get it. She soon returns with it, giving the bag to me and staying close. I watch her as she is chewing on her lip, waiting eagerly. I take out the gift I got for her. “Happy late 8th birthday, Sini.” She sits on the floor to open it and hugs the box that is revealed from under the wrapping; I got her the mermaid Barbie that she’s been dying to have. She jumps out then and hugs me tightly.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She’s smiling happily and I can’t help but to smile when watching. She’s a sweet girl who gets excited easily.

“Who are you?” She asks from Misha, who comes to sit by my side on the couch. She looks at him, her head tilted to the side.
“I’m your brother’s boyfriend.”
“But he has a boyfriend!” She shouts with serious face. “Jesse!… Where is Jesse? I like Jesse, he plays with me.” She looks at me then with a frown. I glance nervously at Misha, then at her.
“Now remember when I told you that we had broken up with Jesse. I’m with Misha now.” Then I lean closer to her. “You know, I bet, if you ask him really nicely… really, really nicely … he could take you to piggy back ride out to the yard.” She glances at Misha, looking at him hesitantly, then she hides her face against my shoulder. “Go on, you can ask him.” I try to encourage her, she shakes her head. Sini is kind of shy and I guess a man of Misha’s size can be a little intimidating for a small girl like her. “Do you want me to ask him?” She looks up to me, then at Misha, then back at me and finally she nods her head.
“Misha would you mind playing with my sister? She’d like it if you’d carry her, you could play a horse for this lovely princes.” I grin at him, Misha chuckles, then stands up.
“Sure thing, anything for a princess.” I help Sini on his back and still she looks at me a bit nervously, as if begging me with her eyes for me to stay close. I follow them out in the back yard.

Soon enough Sini begins to relax. She laughs as Misha runs with her, playing the horse part amazingly well and I laugh when watching them, for a moment it makes me forget my worries.

Even my brothers become curious about Misha, and soon they are playing a war game, trying to shoot him with water guns. Misha plays along with them and finally the boys place their precious water guns down and drown him with questions. Dad is grilling food, Katja sits on the porch drinking a glass of wine. The evenings are getting rather chilly, as close to the autumn as we are.

I sit near my step mom with a beer can in my hands, watching my family and Misha and how well he seems to fit in.
“So Joni, how are things?” I hear her suddenly asking and glance towards her.
“Great, things are going great,” I tell her. She looks at me with curiosity.
“This one seems different from those you’ve usually brought here.” She says looking towards Misha. I look at her inquisitively, she sees it and smiles.
“This one is bigger and older than you, Joni. I thought you preferred them small.” I’m about to open my mouth, but she continues. “He seems very nice.” She says then and this time her smile seems sincere. I am still suspicious about that, she’s not usually very friendly with me.

Then my phone starts to ring in my pocket, I almost jump and reach out to take it in my hands. I stare at the screen; again no number …suddenly I feel sick.
“Aren’t you going to answer?” Katja asks. I press the red button and shove the phone back into my pocket.
“No, it didn’t show any number and I don’t like to answer such calls, I bet they just try to sell me something.” She nods her head slowly, quietness follows, but I still feel her eyes on me.

After dinner, my father keeps offering drinks to Misha and me, but I don’t feel like drinking, so it’s much slower than theirs. My father laughs with him, telling stories and listening to his. He never got along with Jesse like this and I really am beginning to feel like the woman here. I watch TV, hearing them raising their glasses, and then my father thinks it’s time to go to the sauna, both of them a bit tipsy. Misha comes over to me and gives me a wet kiss. With Katja and my father in the room it feels weird, but I guess it’s just something to grow used to.

I go to the sauna with them, which again feels weird, having both my dad and boyfriend undressing naked. But it seems that I’m the only one feeling weird about it, or then I just haven’t drunk enough. They are both chatting happily, drinking beer and… really it’s like they are completely oblivious to the fact that we are all naked. I don’t know why it feels so weird to me. But uh like… Misha is seeing my father naked! That’s… disturbing somehow… Though he isn’t looking or anything and… Really I should drink more and think less. Then Misha’s hand comes resting on my thigh and I quickly slap it away; not proper. No naked touching here, it’s a sacred place… uh yeah, riiight…

Finally I excuse myself and go take a shower. I leave them there by themselves, go out in the chilly evening to have a smoke. I haven’t smoked in months but now I really feel like I could use one. I sit at the porch watching the beautiful sunset, wind blowing in my hair.

The backdoor creaks open and Sini steps out in her night gown.
“You should get back inside, it’s cold here.” I tell her.
“Smoking is bad for you,” she tells me and I nod my head and put the cigarette away. She climbs on my lap and I shelter her with my coat, wrapping my arms around her, feeling as her head comes resting against my chest.
“Joni?” She asks me.
“What are you thinking?” I feel her fingers on the fabric of my shirt.
“Just stuff, grown up stuff, all the boring things that you are still lucky to miss.”
“I like Misha.”
“I’m glad to hear, I like him too.”
“A lot?”
“Yes, I like him a lot, love him a lot.”
“Then I think it’s good.” I laugh quietly.
“So you approve of us then?”
“I do.”

We stay silent and watch the sky together. I make a promise to myself to be a better brother to her from now on, so that I would deserve her love.
“Come on then princess, I think it’s well past you bedtime.”
“Carry me?” She asks me, looking at me with her bright green eyes.
“Alright, princess.”

I carry her up to her room. Cover her up and kiss her forehead wishing her goodnight.

Then I get back downstairs to the living room just to see that my dad and Misha have returned from the sauna.

“I’m feeling quite tired, I think I’ll go to bed, I hope you don’t mind terribly.” I tell them. Everyone else has gone to bed already.
“Hard day at work?” My father inquiries,
“It was, yes, there were a couple of shoplifters,” He nods his head. “Go to sleep son,” He smiles then.

I walk over to Misha and give him a brief kiss on his cheek.
“Good night,”
“Night, sleep well.”
“Night dad!”
“Good night.”

I step into my room, again another weird message and I get frustrated and scared. I know who’s behind this, I know it; it can’t be anyone else but him. I take my phone and choose Pete’s number.
“Hello Joni,” he answers with a calm voice almost as if he would have been expecting my call.
“What the fuck do you want, Pete? Can’t you just let it go??”
“I’m afraid I can’t Joni.”
“Why?? Why can’t you? Marko does not want you, he is happy without you, now leave him and me be!”
”Joni…” He starts and I feel myself beginning to tremble. ”You took what belongs to me and now you have to pay the price.”

“What do you want?”

“You know what I want… One weekend, you will come to my house and do exactly what I want. Only one weekend and after that everything is forgotten and paid for.

“You’re crazy if you think I will agree to that! Grazy!” I hiss at him.

”Joni, listen,” he warns me. ”I know some things, how much do you care about your boyfriend? Misha, real name Mikhail Volochov. How mush do you know of him? Did you know that Mikhail is searched criminal in his country?” Pete asks and for a moment I feel frozen, I can not answer. ”Well, I did some research with my connections,” He continues. “Some fishy dealings and he’s also been a member of a criminal leaque when he was younger. If you do not agree to my terms, Joni, I swear that your darling boyfriend will never work in this country again, that he will be send back to Russia where he will be arested; I would make sure of that. Also if you agree I promise that no accident will fall on you or Marko.”

“You are lying about Misha!” It can’t be true, it sounds so crazy!

“Am I Joni?” He asks calmly. ”Do you want to take the risk?” Suddenly I remember how Misha was threatening me with his ‘friends’ that first morning, how he had gotten the key to my apartment and… gods, Pete really might know more than I? “Two weeks Joni. I give you two weeks to decide, you know what refusal means for you and your boyfriend.” And with that he ends the call. What the hell am I suppose to do now??



I watch as he walks away and take a sip of my beer.
“I wonder if there’s something that bothers him, he’s not been like himself today.” Joni’s father says thoughtfully.
“I’ve noticed the same thing.”
“I’ve been worried about him; I worry about him more than my other children. He’s so…“ He takes a pause before continuing. “I’m afraid I have spoiled him…” He admits then. “He takes after his mother you know… Mariana, she…” He sighs and looks at the picture on the wall, smiling sadly.
“That’s her?” I ask looking at the picture and realising that it must be, so similar to my Joni.
“She’s very beautiful.”
“She was, that she truly was,” He smiles again, still looking longingly towards the photograph. “She was something else… I was a young man when I met her, younger than what Joni is now. I grew up in a small town in north and then moved here. I went to one club one night, saw her there; she was a dancer, a beautiful creature with hair as black as the night itself. I don’t know how she noticed me, but she did. And when I first went out with her I thought she was out her mind a bit.” He laughs at the memory, soft, sorrowful laughter. “I was a shy boy, she was… she was a woman filled with life and joy… She was crazy, beautiful and… loving… I loved her, I still do.”
“How did she die?” I ask carefully.
“Cancer, it took her fast.”
“I’m sorry,” He just nods.
“Well, Joni is very dear to me, you see, I do not want to see him hurt and…” he looks at me then. “Are you serious with your relationship with him?”
“I am… I love him, I’m very serious with him.” I admit with the courage that the alcohol has given me.
“Then… Then I’m happy. I always thought that what he needed was a man like you instead of those boys he used to date… That he needed someone who could keep him still and stop him from running around like…” he chuckles. “That boy, he… when he was still in high school he wanted to move… to New York I think, someone had told him to try modelling, I talked him out of it. Said whoever this person was, is not to be trusted and if he wanted he could try the modelling thing here where it’s safer. He did. At 16, he was offered a chance to go to Paris for modelling, he needed my approval and I forbade it. He was so angry with me, said I ruined his chances, his whole life and that he would never speak to me again. Then after some time he could see that it didn’t work so he was the sweetest boy ever and when that didn’t work either and the chance for Paris was gone, he gave me hell for a few months. I was afraid to let him go at such a young age, he was even more impulsive then and lord knows what he would have gotten himself into had I let him go… Oh well, he still does some small gigs, but… well, then he’s wanted to be an actor, he’s wanted to move to London, take a trip around the world and to try out so many different things that it’s hard to even keep up with them. And now he’s a guard, talked about going to a police academy once, but when I last talked with him, he said he wanted to quit being a guard. I hope… I hope he soon figures out what he wants to do with his life… Maybe you can help him with it.”
“Maybe…I will watch out for him, I can promise that much.”
“I will rest at nights easier knowing that… knowing that he won’t spend his nights running in different clubs and different… dates… Raising him would have been easier had his mother been around.” He sighs.
“You’ve done a good job I think. He’s very amiable once he lets you close enough. Just have to get past that wall and I think I have.”
“You’re a good man Misha, welcome to the family.” He slaps my back and smiles.



My work day was a day from hell or so it seemed. I had trouble concentrating, my mind is occupied with the worry that the strange phone calls give me, and they keep coming. I had received 5 missed calls and a few messages which I deleted before even reading them. I guess it would have been good to safe them, but I just… I don’t want to… Pete is really pressuring the decision and I only have a week left to decide: I feel sick even thinking of being Pete’s fuck toy and on the other hand I don’t want any troubles for Misha. Criminal or not I love that perverse! And isn’t it in his past now?

 Dad asked me and Misha earlier, to come and watch the house for a week while they’re on a holiday somewhere up north. Of course we agreed.

So I meet Misha at the end of my shift. We have to get some clothes for me from my place, pack some other stuff as well and go to my childhood house from there.

The journey home is a silent one and I can feel his constant, curious eyes one me, I can feel the questions of worry that he wants to ask. But I don’t have the energy to answer, don’t even know what I should answer.

We get home and I walk towards the bedroom without a word.


He hurries to the bedroom and he has hardly spoken one word to me. He’s been so silent, so not Joni-like, not my Joni anyway. My Joni is bold and loud and … he just worries me.
”Joni?” I follow him there and ask, ”What’s going on? You’re not you.”
I can see him tensing, his back turned towards me.
”Nothing’s going on! God, I’m sick and tired of answering to that same question!” He snaps then packing his clothes almost in fury.
”I can see it’s something!” I growl at him, unpleasantly surprised with his angry voice. ”Will you tell me, dammit?! I think I deserve to know what’s happening to my boyfriend?”
”It is nothing Misha, I am fine, just because I-…” He glances at me. ”I’m just freaking tired and that is all, so just drop it, will you?” And it’s so clear that he’s feeling upset about something, the way he’s breathing; fast, tense, soon he walks past me towards the bathroom and I follow.

”Joni …” I start, seeing his troubled face but then a thought hits me and I feel a sudden fear, greater than ever before. Is he … does he want to … leave me? Maybe he has enough of me already? ”Joni?” I repeat, softer than previously, ”I want you to tell me, no matter what it is.” God, don’t let it be THIS, please.

He looks at me briefly.
”Just drop it Misha, I said I was fine, why the hell can’t you understand that?!” He walks back to the bedroom with his toothbrush and deodorant, packing them with his clothes. “Don’t you realise how annoying it is? Really Vodka, try to understand, do try to listen when I say I’m fine!” The sound of his voice is so hurtful to me, the way he looks at me.
”Why can’t I understand? Because I see you’re NOT fine!” I shout at him, my chest constricting. He hasn’t been calling me Vodka … for a long time now. It IS my nickname but now, in his mouth, it has a derogatory meaning. ”Joni, I’m asking you one last time … what’s going on?”

He closes his eyes, taking one deep breath, “And one last time; nothing.” He hisses. ”If I bother you, if my acting bothers you, if you can’t believe then just go! Go find someone easy, because I just can’t be that way!… Maybe we should rethink this relationship.”

God, my heart stops for a moment, then I feel anger surge within me, Joni’s words hurt me so much that I forget to be a considerate boyfriend, I want him to be hurt as much as he hurt me. ”Maybe I should! And don’t tell me you’re not easy! You’re the easiest of all!” I shout and storm out of his house, hoping to get out quickly enough to hide my real feelings, and the fact that I just want to cry. Vodka crying over a cheating bottom? That’s … no, I will not cry over him, I will not. I quickly want to get to my own home, and drink myself blind, drink myself unconscious, until I forget the pain.


The door slams shut and for a moment I have difficulty breathing; he left. Misha left me. I feel nauseous, I feel like throwing up and I tremble. Come back, come back… I sit down on my bed, for a moment feeling so helpless and hurt, troubled with my thoughts, alone with them.

His words echoing inside my mind; ‘You’re the easiest of all.’ These words are the ones to stop me from running after him. I have my pride and I do not want to admit the truth in his words… and yet, he was the one to change me! He doesn’t know it, but…

On the other hand, he’s a criminal, that’s what Pete said, right?

The pain inside; it’s never been this horrible, the lump in my throat… I thought it hurt when Jesse left, but no, it was nothing like the pain I feel now. I am about to cry, for real but I swallow it up and continue what I was doing trying so damn hard not to fall into pieces. I feel sick of myself suddenly, of everything I am and what I was, all the mistakes I’ve done, all the people I’ve hurt. I am a no good, selfish, vain, pitiful creature and I just drove the one person away that could have saved me from myself.

I don’t want to think. I swallow up the hurt and stand up, take my bag, my car keys, the cursed phone and my wallet and leave my apartment.


The sky is grey, smells like it’s about to rain, small signs of sunlight still trying to peak out from behind the clouds,but soon the sun has to give up.. I park my car on the driveway and walk to the house. It’s so quiet, so empty. Misha could have been here beside me now, but… He must hate me now, he thinks I am this easy slut, who sleeps with anyone. But he changed me… I’m not that person anymore.

I walk into my old room and change into something more comfortable; sweatpants and t-shirt, perfect clothing for some wallowing in self pity. I walk downstairs, go to the fridge and take a beer, the living room, TV on; there’s some football game, perfect. But I can’t concentrate and the beer doesn’t want to go down.

I find myself studying the old picture of my mother in the far wall. Looking at her smiling, beautiful face makes me feel even sadder. I wish she was here, I wish I would have Misha here, I wish I hadn’t said the things that I did. My thoughts are with him and I long for him, I miss him. Once again I look at my mother’s picture. She was so young when she died, life can end so fast and if… Maybe I should have told Misha the truth? Would he have listened? Would he have stayed? He wanted me to tell him…

Does it matter to me if he’s had criminal background? I wonder about it, thinking how he was to me at the beginning, yet now Misha can be so gentle and loving. I am not perfect myself, I’ve treated people wrong and he still loves me so why shouldn’t I love him despite everything? And I do, I do love him and now I long for him more than any other ever.

 I just threw the best thing in my life away and I curse my own stupidity! Can I make it right?



I get home and take out the bottle of vodka, the strongest alcohol I have at home now, I take out a glass and pour a generous amount of liquor in it, then down it in one gulp. It feels as if I scorched my throat with it, but this sensation is nothing compared to the pain I feel inside me. He … was I only some sick adventure for him? I drink another shot, then another one, cursing my disability to get drunk quickly and easily. A shot follows a shot and only when the bottle is nearly empty, do I finally feel some relief. I feel all giggly and snicker to myself, at my own stupidity, at the feelings I have for him … but then I feel sad once again. The room seems to float around me.

Stupid Misha, stupid fool! This is what you get for loving someone… For loving him… Should have known… just another, another in that long list of his, pulling my heart out, throwing it away like it meant nothing at all to him…

I shakily walk around my apartment, giggling to myself at things I remember; Joni calling me a repairman, his undignified squeals and moans when we had sex for the first time, his rage when he didn’t want to be my slave … I take another bottle of alcohol, wine this time and open it, spilling some onto the floor. Ooops, Misha’s drunk, hehe! Misha, you’re a bad boy, getting this drunk. I snicker to myself and drink the wine from the bottle, not pouring it into a glass. Some of it spills onto my chin and I dry it with my hand.

I sit on the floor, pain in my chest, is this how it feels to have your heart broken? And I am haunted by everything that is him, how his touch felt, still lingering on my skin. How he smells, how he tastes like. Should have known better… And then, once more thinking how pitiful I must be looking like now, I laugh, I laugh my heart out, but do not find any comfort. The great Misha has fallen, I’m on my knees now and I laugh; how could I be so stupid thinking that you could care for me! You care of no one but yourself. And yet as the thought escapes from my mind, in my heart I know it’s not true. I want to drink myself into oblivion, sweet oblivion.


It’s getting late, the sky is dark and it’s raining. I miss him, everything that is him, I remember him, his smell, his touch, his lips. And again my phone rings and I stare at it, hoping to see Misha’s name but instead I see the one I fear; caller’s ID unknown. I want Misha, he said he loved me? If it’s true then wouldn’t he understand if I would tell him all that’s been going on?

I would be ready to beg, I’d crawl to his feet and tell him to spank me because I was bad, because I was stupid. I’d give my everything, just to have him back to me.


I am giggling madly now, remembering Joni’s faces he made on different occasions. The wine is almost gone and my mood is way up right now. Then I hear ringing. I look around for the source of the sound, then realise it’s coming from my own pocket; it’s my phone. I take it out and answer it without looking at the caller’s ID, ”Will you drink with me?”

”Would you still drink with me, Misha?”

”Mmmm,” I hum to the receiver, recognising Joni’s voice. ”We could drink together.”
“I miss you,” his voice whispers. “And I’m sorry Misha… I was… I want to drink with you. I want to… be with you.” I smile though nobody can see it.
”How about I’ll bring you a bottle of the best wine I have?”
”Yes… I want you here, I want you so bad.. Bring the wine and come to me. I’ll leave the front door open.”
“ ‘Kay,” I murmur into the receiver and then hung up. The bottle of the best wine … where did I put it? I stagger to the fridge but can’t find it. Where the hell is it? I need it for Joni, I must bring him a bottle of wine … where else I might have put it? My bar? I slowly go there, finding nothing. No wine. I take out my phone again and call Joni, waiting for him to pick up the receiver.

He takes awhile to answer. Then finally a click and a softly spoken:
“Joni, no wine, it disappeared.” I almost whine.
“Are you drunk Misha?” He asks amusedly. “Might the wine have disappeared in your tummy?”
“It might,” I answer thinking hard for a moment, then realise that yes, I might have drunk it already. “So now I don’t have anything to bring you… we can’t drink together.” I sigh.

”It’s alright, just bring yourself, we don’t need the wine.” He tells me reassuringly.
”You sure it’s OK?” I still hesitate. It’s not polite to visit someone without a present.
”I am sure, just please hurry. I want you, need you here.”
I smile to myself again, suddenly feeling all happy and high from something else than alcohol. ”Will be there soon.” I hang up once more and dial the cab; it arrives within 30 minutes. I give the driver the address. The driver doesn’t say anything, he eyes me suspiciously as if I were to barf all over the inside of his car; I snicker as I get inside; no, Mr. Cab Driver, Misha will not puke his guts out. We’re going, the driver silent, me – humming an odd tune. I’m going to Joni~~ Finally we arrive at the place and I pay the man, leaving him a generous tip, too. Let him know I’m not some barbaric drunkard. I stagger to the door.


God, I am smiling to myself like some freaking idiot. He sounded so adorable all drunk and… he got drunk because of our fight? He really cares for me, doesn’t he? I’ve never seen him completely drunk, not like that, the man has an insanely high tolerance for alcohol and it leads me to another thought; how much did he drink? This should be interesting.

I take a nice hot shower and clean myself up very carefully, taking my time. I want to be at my very best when he comes, and then I snicker in my head at the word ‘comes’. Oh man what in the God’s name is happening to me? I want to hit myself and stop acting like some… some horny bitch.

Okay he’s very drunk first of all, he probably won’t even notice all this effort that I am making. I shrug my shoulders then and use my favorite cologne, nothing wrong in smelling all heavenly even though one would just end up sleeping in bed. I check my face from the mirror and nod to myself, yes, still looking good.

Then… what to wear?…hm… I do feel insanely horny and… He could be so drunk that he can’t… get it up… But… no harm in trying? I dress on my favorite pair of boxers, my ass looks amazing in them, well my ass always looks amazing but whatever… Then… a tight fitting t-shirt, again I check myself from the mirror and approve the way I look.

I walk down the stairs, stopping half way when I hear the sound of arriving car. I hold onto the railing and look at the door as it opens. My drunken man opens the door, he stands at the doorway as if looking for me with his eyes but looking in all the wrong directions. I tilt my head to the side smiling at the sight of him; so utterly drunk and adorable. My big cuddly bear.

“Hello stranger,” I greet him and his eyes finally find me. He smiles wildly, swaying a little, the door still open, letting in the wind, the rain.
“Hellooo…” He grins up to me, ”do you know where a certain bottom lives? We were supposed to drink together, you know.”
“Were you now? Well, maybe you should come in, out of the terrible rain to solve the mystery of this bottom,” I say and continue down slowly, keeping my eyes on him and smiling when he staggers in closing the door after him and I see his eyes traveling down my body, I see his hunger.

”I think I will have little difficulty finding my bottom,” He tells me and I see him taking a glance of my rear.
“It just so happens that I am missing my top. I am a lonely young man, stuck here in this big house with only the sound of the storm outside to keep me company. Won’t you stay a little longer my dear stranger? Won’t you stay and keep me company?” I am feeling a little playful. I undress him of his coat and place it on the hanger.

Soon enough I feel him behind me; hugging me, his hands on my abdomen.
“Here he is, I found him.” He murmurs in to my ear and I sigh with content, closing my eyes enjoying his warmth, his touch, the manly smell of him that makes me feel both secure and hot at the same time. “You smell yummy,” he informs me next, cuddling even closer, his chin coming to rest on my shoulder. I move my hand to touch his arm, feeling him so close behind me and I never want him to leave me again. How stupid I was to almost drive my bear away from me, I give his hand a light squeeze. I smell the alcohol on him, but I am not the least bit repulsed by it. I move my butt closer to his crotch in my horny state and feel him responding with a:
“Mmm….” He nuzzles my neck with his face, light tinging against my skin from his stubble, he kisses my neck. ”Yes,” he answers, ”Yummy Joni.”
”Maybe we should get you to bed?” I whisper, turning towards him, my arms around him, I kiss his cheek.
”Nooo …” He groans with despair. ”Don’t want to go to sleep, too early …”
”Do you not? What do you want then Misha?” I run my hands down on his body, feeling him. ”Tell me, are you thirsty? Hungry?”
”No, not thirsty…um, not hungry either.” He shakes his head and this movement makes him sway a bit. He almost hangs onto me to keep his balance. Then he snickers, ”I’ll tell you a secret; I’m drunk.” I grin at him,
”I can see that you’re drunk that’s why I offered to take you to bed… It’s getting late, we can… talk… in bed, before going to sleep.” I kiss him briefly on his lips
”But I’m wet, too, from the rain,” He whines pitifully. ”I’ll wet your bed.”
”Oh you poor thing, how about a nice hot shower? I can, perhaps, try to find you something fresh to wear… Maybe some coffee?” I suggest, holding him up, he really would have trouble standing without me, and it makes me feel needed and… I like the feeling, I want to take care of him.
”Shower, yay! That’s an idea!” He almost jumps from joy and I can’t help but to laugh. ”You’re gonna shower with me, yes?”
”I will, of course I will, I don’t want you to drown there all alone.”

”Hurry up!” He almost drags me with him, though I see he has some difficulties walking. In the bathroom he starts undressing, but the jumper gets stuck around his head.
”Joni!” He whines again, ”this jumper wants to strangle me!” The cuteness of him makes my heart all warm and the smile on my face is like glued there. I walk over to him and help him to remove the ‘strangling’ piece of clothing away.
”There now, better?” I ask him, looking at him, my hand touches his face, stroking the skin. I lean to give a small kiss on his cheek. ”Let me help you to undress the rest.” I ask then.

”Ok… Thank you, Joni,” He tells me.
”No problem,” I smile and start to undress him off his jeans and underwear, I kneel down on the floor and urge his legs to move up, so I can take the clothing from around his ankles. I stand up then and quickly undress myself, making sure that Misha stays in balance, he’s swaying on his legs. I turn the water on, take his hand in mine. ”Come on baby,”


I nod my head once again and we’re getting under the gentle warmth of the water spray. Its touch on my skin makes me a bit more coherent. I feel Joni’s body next to mine and remember how good it has always felt to touch him, to be close to him. I want to be close to him. Once again I cling to him, or support, yes, but also for this closeness. I want to feel his body, I want to be able to always say he is mine. ”Are you mine, Joni?” I whisper, not knowing if he even hears me over the sound of running water. He wraps his arms around me, hugging me, his head comes to rest on my shoulder.
“I am yours completely Misha. And I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting, for how silly I have been. I never wanted to hurt you. I- I love you.”
”Good … I don’t know what I would do if you didn’t,” I say honestly. It’s the alcohol; now I remember why it’s so good to have a strong head for the alcohol. I always whine and behave childishly and spout some shit, that’s so embarrassing. And I have been doing ever since I arrived at Joni’s. ”You’re not mad with me?”
”I’m not mad, we both said things that… well… I know I have been acting like… a slut… but that was before you, you’ve changed me and I don’t want anyone else anymore. It’s the truth, I swear.”

These words make my insides melt with happiness and I sloppily kiss him, wanting to get my message across to him, the message that I am sorry for the words I said, I am happy with him like that, I am … hm, another thing that happens to me while I’m drunk it’s I get aroused all too easily. I can’t control it. And now, at this very moment, I feel a sudden wave of lust spread in my body and moan into his mouth. I feel him responding, no more fighting, I can be sure that he wants it. His hands move on my back, and my buttocks.
”Your body is heavenly,” he whispers.
I shiver, feeling his body come in an even closer contact with mine. I let my hands rub against his arms up and down while my mouth desperately tries to kiss Joni. But I can’t, he’s nipping at my ear now. ”Joni,” I finally growl, ”my ear has been kissed enough, now it’s my mouth’s turn.” He smiles and turns his head. Finally his mouth is on mine and I may start the feast on it. I catch his upper lip with my teeth, tugging it delicately, sucking on it. Then I let my tongue slip inside the warm cavern and explore a bit, curios and searching. His body presses against mine, I feel his hands grope my butt and I respond with a rock of my hips. ”Jo-Joni” I say with a little difficulty. ”I’m afraid that under the shower I’m posing a great danger to both of us at the moment. Don’t want us to slip and end up with bruises and broken bones,” I inform him seriously, though my voice is breathless.
”Let’s take this to the bedroom?” he asks breathlessly, his eyes look into my own and I can see his lust that makes me feel even more hot.
”The bedroom is definitely a better idea,” I nod my head and take a step out of the shower stall.


I take a towel and dry us both as quickly as I can, I take his hand and lead him toward my bedroom, but I change my mind half way; the bed in my dad’s and step mom’s room is better and bigger.

Once in, I help Misha to lay down and climb on top of him, I kiss his lips eagerly.
“Better?” I ask him.
“Definitely,” he responds, his hands travelling down on my back and he tries to answer to my hungry kisses and I smile from satisfaction and joy when feeling how his cock grows and becomes hard and I rub myself on him, moaning, trying my hardest to get him to the same stage of lust that I’m in. “I want you Misha, want you so bad…” I whisper to him. The pleasure of feeling his strong hands on my body, I’m in heat really, that’s what I am. “Say something to me in Russian.” I moan then, it’s the new kink of mine, I bet he could tell me what he intends on buying from the shop next day with his native language and I’d be all over him. I am weird. And when he finally murmurs something, I kiss him with more hunger than before. And finally he turns me under him, groaning.
“Horny Joni… naughty…” He whispers, kissing me all over and I part my legs wide, pulling my knees close to my chest, offering myself to him, wanting him to just take me. He smirks a little. “Naughty… evilness, you know I can’t resist you…” and the preparation is fast, but I find that I wouldn’t even have patience for longer. I moan with pleasure when he finally thrusts in.


He’s warm and welcoming, can’t help but to moan, I lay down on top of him, my hands in his hair, so soft, he smells good all over and I feel completed inside him like this. No one has made me feel like him before, I have never wanted anyone this bad. Alcohol and lust are making me dizzy and I move in him unable to control my body. ‘Mine’ I think as I look at him under me; his face contorted with pleasure. I suddenly become curious; it’s a weird feeling, to be so close to climax and at the same time be so curious … ”What’s does it feel like?” I pant out. His brown eyes flicker open to look me in my eyes.
“I feel you…” He whispers, “… inside and…I-“ sudden moan breaks his sentence. “…feels so good… sooo good Misha. Trust you, love you.” I suddenly shiver, caught by my climax, gasping for breath. It feels amazing, so amazing because it is Joni. I take a couple of long moments to regain coherency. I pull out and lay on his side, his hand reaches out to mine, he snuggles closer, his head on my chest and the warmth of him close to me feels so comforting.
The alcohol I’ve consumed, the sex I just had and the warmth of my lover next to me makes me feel sleepy and slowly I slip into the state of deep sleep.


I watch him silently as he sleeps, studying his face and smiling to myself. He’s so handsome, I kiss his skin softly, lovingly. How could I be without my Vodka anymore? I feel calm there next to him, no one else has ever gotten so close to me. I ponder everything that’s been going on, my fears concerning Pete and those phone calls. I said I ttrust Misha, didn’t I? He loves me and he deserves to know what’s going on. I need to confess that I need him that this situation is too much for myself to solve. I cuddle closer to his strong body and decide to forgive myself for my own vulnerability. Tomorrow I will tell him everything, I need him to know, I need his help.

Web published: My Secret Shore


Chapter 26


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