“So, what happened to Foxy?” Joni asked the next evening looking intently at Misha who had taken his usual seat on the armchair. Misha smiled and took a sip of his tea.
“I suppose I did promise to continue the story,” he said tilting his head and looking at the brunet. He was still confused over his feelings, or rather what to do with them, but perhaps he should just stop thinking too much and see where it would get them?
“Yes, you did,” Joni agreed, shifting his position to be more comfortable. “So, I am listening,” he grinned.
“Okay, so Foxy… Alright, we left him with the evil grey wolf, didn’t we?” Misha mused and took another sip. “The wolf, whose name was… Creep…”
“Creep?” Joni chuckled and Misha gave him a pointed look.
“Yes, are you going to interrupt me every time?”
“I’m sorry. I’ll shut up now,” Joni promised with a smile.
“Good. Okay, so Creep was asking where Foxy was heading and Foxy replied that he didn’t really have any direction, simply wanted to explore and have an adventure. This answer pleased Creep who immediately promised to offer such adventure and protect Foxy from the other dangerous creatures. Little did Foxy know that Creep was the most dangerous creature he could end up with. However the little black fox decided to go with the sweet talking wolf. The big white wolf followed them in the shadows, listened as Creep talked to Foxy, telling him sweet lies, compliments that any would like hearing, gaining the little one’s trust.” Misha took a pause trying to think and took another sip of his tea before he continued. “They reached the grey wolf’s cave and it was then that Foxy became suspicious. Creep wanted him to step inside, but Foxy was quite sure that the adventure that he was after couldn’t be found from the cave.”
Joni shifted again, suddenly feeling uncomfortable as the thoughts of Chris filled his mind. He tried his best not to let it show because he wanted to hear what Misha would say but at the same time he was afraid of it.
“But Creep was bigger, stronger and evil and managed to corner Foxy into his cave, intending to keep him as his treasure. Once in the cave Creep was not going to let Foxy go. The white king saw that the little fox was cornered in the cave, without a way out and he would not accept it.” Again Misha nervously took a sip of tea observing Joni and his expression.
Joni looked back at Misha and tried to smile. “So, what did he do then?” he asked to encourage the other man to continue.
“Well, he… He went to confront Creep! He called the grey wolf to step out of the cave and wondered if he was too much of a coward to do so. The smug, grey wolf then slowly walked out, trusting his own ability to fight with the white wolf, which of course was ridiculous because White simply was so much better than him in every sense.” Misha smiled when he saw Joni grinning. “The white wolf asked Creep to let Foxy out, but the grey one replied that the little black fox was his now and would remain so. Angered the white wolf growled that if he wouldn’t give in the nice way then he left him with little choice and he would fight for Foxy’s freedom. Creep answered that then there was no option than to fight because he wouldn’t the details but lets just say that Creep wasn’t looking so charming after White was through with him.”
“And how was the white wolf doing after?” Joni asked, a smile lingering on his lips.
“Well, he was great of course, perhaps a small injury here or there but nothing severe.” Misha grinned. “The white wolf walked into the cave, calling for Foxy, who weakly answered the call. White found the small, cute fox laying on the cool stone floor of the cave, looking miserable. The evil grey wolf had injured Foxy’s cute little paws so he could not move. The white wolf said he had come to rescue him and Foxy was surprised but happy. He told the wolf he could not walk and so…” Again Misha paused. “Well, the white wolf offered to carry him, lay down next to Foxy and helped him to move on his back. Then they left because they had to hurry before the followers of Creep would get there. And so Foxy was saved from the evil, not anymore attractive grey wolf. The end.” Misha smiled, finishing his tea.
“You can’t end it there.” Joni smiled and rolled his eyes. “What happened to the white wolf and Foxy?”
“Hm…” Misha lowered the now empty cup on the table. “Well… The white wolf… said to Foxy that he was… kind of lonely and wouldn’t mind having a companion and… Foxy well, he didn’t want to go back home after failing in his adventure, and the white wolf was brave and handsome and had rescued him so… Yes, he replied yes and then… They lived happily ever after.” Misha cleared his throat. “Well, it’s not the greatest story I know, but like I said I am no story teller.” He shrugged, feeling oddly nervous again.
“No, I like it, the ending was my favourite.” Joni smiled, hesitating as he looked at Misha. “So, the wolf is lonely?” he asked and Misha was quiet for a while.
“Well, it was, but …now it has Foxy, right?” Misha smiled and even Joni could read the slight nervousness behind it, but before he had the chance to say anything Misha had already gotten up. “I’m going to wash this cup. Do you need anything?”
“No, thank you…” Joni replied feeling somewhat disappointed that Misha was again going to make a quick escape.
“Okay, good, you should get some sleep it’s late… Good night Joni,” Misha said and walked to the door.
“Good night,” Joni replied, sighing against his pillow as the door closed. The situation was beyond confusing.
Misha walked downstairs cursing in his mind. Why was it so difficult to tell Joni honestly that he was thinking of the future, that he was wondering about the chance of becoming a couple? Still, there was the issue with sex that worried him and… He couldn’t say that to Joni, it was much too early to talk about it but to be a couple, sex was such a significant part of it! And was he terrible for thinking about sex so much? Why did I have to be so damn confusing?
On Sunday Joni insisted on eating with them in the kitchen, getting bored of spending most of his time on the bed or the couch. He also turned his cell phone back on which he had closed when not feeling well enough to talk with anyone about rumours that they had heard concerning the situation. Ivo let him use his computer to go online.
On Facebook, Joni changed his relationship status to single, removing Chris from his contacts and then started to go through the pictures deleting all of those that had Chris in them. It was a mentally exhausting task but at the same time somewhat deliberating to clean the table in some way. Chris had controlled everything – even here on his Facebook page – what pictures were okay, who were acceptable to talk with, who he should remove from his contacts. It had gotten to the point where he had been afraid to accept some friend invites from other guys, because that would tick Chris’ jealousy off. It had been insane and the whole insanity of their relationship was really dawning on him only now. Chris had read his messages, even checked his phone bill, and deprived him of his privacy. Insane, there was no other word or it.
It was amusing how fast people reacted to his changed status. Five people already posted that they liked it, and then there were those who immediately asked: ‘Omg, what happened?’ Those were the people who had rarely seen them together, or who he hadn’t had contact with them lately. Joni felt annoyed of the amount of suddenly popping up chat boxes of people wanting to know what was going on. The quickest way was to type the answer on the wall: ‘Yes, I am now single and on a sick leave, Chris is arrested. I think everyone can put two and two together and please do not ask anymore details. I will be fine.’
Deciding to check if Ivo and Misha also were in Facebook, he found and added both to his contacts and then Markus, who of course Chris had not approved and later forbade him to keep any contact. ‘I got rid of the paranoid bf, can we be friends again?’ he wrote with the invite and finally signed off.
“I added you both in Facebook,” Joni informed the two men who sat in the living room, watching a foot ball game. Joni took a seat down on his usual spot, half laying, half sitting, feeling slightly tired.
“Oh?” Ivo looked at him and grinned. “Well I will go and add you right back!” he decided and stood up. Misha glanced at his brother and then back at the screen. He would add Joni too, but didn’t see the need to go do it immediately.
“I have this friend at work, Cecilia, and that woman is addicted to that Facebook thing. I don’t get it. I was merely pressured to join, was tired of listening to the whining of why I am not there,” He spoke to Joni but didn’t take his gaze away from the game.
“It has its good and bad sides,” Joni answered. “Easy way to find old friends and talk to them, see what they are doing, but also… Well I get really odd friend invites from people I’ve never even met and I don’t want to randomly add someone who could then read my personal stuff.”
“Well, you are a model, I guess people get your name through that and decide to try their luck?” Misha shrugged. “But yes, you should be careful.”
“I removed Chris there, pictures and all,” Joni muttered after a moment of silence and Misha glanced at him.
“That’s good,” he said carefully. “Hmm, how do you feel now?”
“Odd.” Joni replied. “Good, but odd… People want to know what happened, I wrote that Chris is arrested and that I’m on a sick leave, now I wonder if I should have. He’ll get mad.”
“You mean Chris?” Misha asked.
“Joni, like you said, he is arrested and he will get sentenced. People will know that eventually anyway. You will have to remove him from your life in all prospects. End of the story.”
“Yeah… You are right,” Joni agreed but it still didn’t take away the odd feeling and the nervousness that he felt.
Misha hated Mondays like any other person would, now even more when he would have liked to be at home taking care of Joni. His feelings and his mood kept shifting from what he should do to what he wanted to do.
Though usually avoiding Facebook visits while at work or… well he rarely visited the page but now during lunch break he found himself on said site, accepting Joni’s friend request. He went into Joni’s profile, read the recent comments on his wall, many wishing him to get well soon and people who liked his changed relationship status. Joni had a lot of friends the Russian man took notice and realised that probably there would be others willing to… Well, pick up the pieces and be the better guy after Chris.
He saw that Joni was online, smiled slightly and decided to chat to him.
“Hi brat, shouldn’t you be resting?”
“Well, shouldn’t you be working, Misha?”
“Lunch break,” Misha wrote and waited.
“Me too ;)”
“Ha! Where is Ivo? He’s obviously not looking after you properly.”
“Ivo is here, he says ‘Hi’ 😛 And he is, I am bored and I whined so he let me use his computer again.”
“I guess you are doing a little bit better then, whining and all.” Misha smiled to the screen.
“I am! 😀 And soon we are going to play on Ivo’s Playstation.”
“Aha, and what will you be playing?”
“Some racing game. I haven’t chosen yet but I am quite sure it will have something to do with cars… When you come home we could play something too, so I can beat you.”
“You wish! I am quite good at those racing games you know.”
“What aren’t you good at, I wonder? :P”
“Careful with that tongue.” Misha grinned.
“Oh yeah 😛 What will you do? :P”
“I might steal it.”
“Uh, uh, you can always try :P”
“Hey Misha, why are you grinning like an idiot?” Cecilia asked, got up and glanced at the screen. “Aha! Facebook mania! Who is that?” she asked with curiosity, leaning closer.
Misha cleared his throat. “A friend,” he replied and then typed one last message to Joni. “Got to go, Cecilia is bugging me… See you in the evening and you should get some rest as well!”
“Yeah…playing games is such hard work 0_o… Have a good day, Misha! ;)”
“Hey, bugging you?!” the woman complained grinning.
“Did anyone ever tell you that reading other people’s messages is not nice?” Misha asked, logging out of the page.
“I’m sorry, I can’t help to be curious. But now that the damage is done, who is he?” Cecilia asked and sat on the edge of the table. Misha glanced at her and sighed.
“My little brother’s friend,” he answered.
“Hm, aha, okay and what else?”
“What do you mean what else?” Misha focused on his screen and not her – damn she was inquisitive.
“You like him, don’t you?” Cecilia grinned and playfully kicked his leg.
“Ouch,” Misha glared at her again, trying to keep a straight face but with her grinning like that it was difficult and he felt defeated. “Alright, yes, I like him.”
“And he likes you back? Are you dating? Is that bruise related to any of this?”
“That’s a lot of questions Ceci…”
“Come on tell me, please,” Cecilia pleaded impatiently. “I’ve been with my man for seven years, the most romantic thing we do together is to lie on the couch, watching movies and eating popcorns together so please give me something. I live on other peoples dating stories!” She sighed and then grinned. “Though I do love my husband and wouldn’t trade him for anything.”
Misha shook his head amused. The woman talked a lot, was a cheerful person and… Well he couldn’t help but to like her. “After work you buy me a beer and I will tell you.”
“Deal!” Cecilia nodded grinning and hopped off the table to go back to her work. “And I will hold you to that,” she said then.
“Sure, I wouldn’t turn down a beer,” Misha spoke towards his screen and smiled.
Later they went to a local pub together. “He is cute,” Cecilia said as they sat down. “No, not cute, hot!”
“How do you know?” Misha cocked his brow and reached for the beer that he had bought; in the end he hadn’t been able to let the woman treat it for him.
“Facebook, I checked your page, saw this Joni as your new friend… I have seen his pictures before somewhere.”
“He’s a model,” Misha replied.
“A model, huh? A picky guy goes after a model, I should have guessed,” Cecilia teased.
“It’s not like that. I found him quite annoying when I first met him and I don’t like vain people.”
“So you are saying that he’s vain?” Cecilia asked smiling slightly when she saw the annoyed expression forming on his face.
“No.” Misha groaned. “He was… I thought he was, okay it’s not the point.”
“I saw you grinning like I’ve never seen you grin before just chatting with someone and you said you like him. When you still had that boyfriend I asked how he is and you said he’s okay, so my conclusion is that this one is pretty damn special.” Cecilia smiled. “So what’s the deal?”
“It’s complicated.” Misha said feeling uncomfortable talking about it; he wasn’t used to talk about his affairs, feelings or things like that. On the other hand since Cecilia had never met Joni it felt slightly easier. Well easier than to talk to his other friends about it.
“Complicated how?” Cecilia asked and seeing his thoughtful even slightly worried expression she sighed, smiling softly. “Misha, anything you say now you say to me privately and I won’t go around telling people how the impossible happened and you, the ice man of the office, opened up to me.”
“Ice man?” Misha raised his brow little taken back and the woman chuckled gently.
“Don’t look so surprised,” She said smiling. “You can be a little bit cold to some people. I am thinking of poor Eetu here.” She grinned. “You know they have silly nicknames to almost everyone! I am the chatterbox. But you know, I did mention that some call you Vodka and I think it is spreading around. There are already people calling you that and they find it amusing, you know you being Russian and all.”
“Figures.” Misha rolled his eyes.
“So, tell me, before we get side tracked. Tell me about him, this hot model of yours.”
“He’s not mine,” Misha said and took a sip of his beer. “Not yet at least,” he decided to add which caused the woman to smile.
“Just a matter of time I’m sure, right?”
“He’s just gotten out of a bad relationship,” Misha said then. “He’s the one who got hurt and my bruise came from fighting with his now ex boyfriend.” Misha took a small pause. “That man is arrested and Joni is staying with me and my brother.”
“Oh my…” Cecilia gasped her expression turning to serious.
“So you see it is complicated.” Misha traced his finger along the cool glass watching her reaction.
“How bad was it?” Cecilia asked carefully.
“The worst thing you can do to your partner,” Misha said quietly. “If I hadn’t found them when I did, the chances are that the bastard would have ended up killing him.”
“I’m… I’m so sorry to hear this, I-“ Cecilia tried to find the right words but doubted that there was any.
“You can’t tell this to anyone,” Misha reminded.
“Of course, I promised I won’t,” Cecilia assured looking at him worriedly.
“So, yes, I like him but how can one really build something when the situation is like this? I don’t know how I should behave around him, what is okay and what is not… I keep feeling nervous of doing something wrong, saying the wrong thing or touching him the wrong way… It feels somehow… impossible.”
Cecilia nodded understanding the nervousness. “But you know Misha… He might feel nervous as well. I am quite certain he does. Have you told him how you feel?”
“Not exactly, but… I’m sure he knows.”
“Does he?” Cecilia questioned. “You are not an easy person to read and you know… Just tell him what you told me, talk to him and… Tell him that you wait… I mean if you really care for him? People have their own ways to survive something like that, there is no exact pattern on how they heal the wounds but I am sure it would help to be honest.”
Misha thought about it for a while before nodding. “Perhaps…” he said and took another sip still in deep thought.
“You think they are going to sentence his ex?” Cecilia asked then.
“Well I should hope so. All the evidence speak against him and if they don’t I would be shocked.”
“True. Though I hate being pessimistic because sometimes it feels that in this country you need to steal money from the government to get a high sentence. Rapists and abusers are only patted on their head and told not to do it again, the sentences given are ridiculous.”
“I know and it worries me,” Misha agreed. “The guy is a foreigner and he does not have citizen ship yet, so he’s here on a work permit and I am hoping that at least he gets deported. It should only be fair, right?”
“Within my own reason I would say yes, but… Who knows? From what I’ve read the defence might relay on the following issues: First the two have been in a relationship and that somehow, with their ill logic, makes the crime less. Though I would think it’s worse that someone you should be able to trust breaks that trust so severely. Second: How he’s done his work? Is he a good and trusted worker always been on time etc? These are silly reason but if you read the papers those have worked on shortening the sentence. There’s far too little justice for the victims, I’ve seen it.” Cecilia sighed. “Okay, now that you told me this I can tell you that I had a cousin who was in abusive relationship. This happened 13 years ago. Okay, so after my cousin was married for five to this guy he got really bad and she escaped to her friend’s house. She said she would leave him and pressed charges against him for abuse. She told the cops she feared for her life and the man was arrested, but there wasn’t any clear evidence of severe abuse I guess. I don’t remember this very well since I was quite young when it happened. But anyway, he got away with parole and a restraining order, but a restraining order is difficult to monitor. He kept bothering her in different ways but she found a new relationship. This was the final straw for her ex. My cousin is now dead and the man is in jail, but it’s too late for her and he is getting out soon.” Cecilia gave him a sad look. “That’s why I am so pessimistic of the legal system here.”
Misha didn’t like what he was hearing and it made him feel uneasy and more worried. What if Chris wouldn’t leave Joni alone? What if they wouldn’t deport him? Surely they would have to! For a moment he was lost for words, too upset to speak.
“I’m sorry. Perhaps I shouldn’t have talked about it?” Cecilia wondered seeing his expression.
“No, it’s fine, just… it worries me.”
“You said they have evidence and that the man is foreign so I’m sure it makes a huge difference in this case.” The woman tried to comfort. “And my cousin’s mistake was also that she tried to hide the amount that her ex was bothering her after the restraining order was set. I think that at some point she even went into her old thinking pattern that he could change like he assured. She let the man into her home and he killed her… Just…“ Cecilia took a small pause. “What ever happens he should never keep contact with his ex, tell him that. Even if that man would beg forgiveness, he doesn’t deserve it. They should not meet each other again after the trial. Perhaps there is a chance to get better, for both of them, but only after cutting all the strings of that bad relationship. That’s my opinion.”
Misha nodded. “I’m quite sure that Joni realises it. I’m sure he won’t want to see him again, not after all that shit he put him through.”
Cecilia smiled. “You care for him and tell him that you do, okay?” she asked. “What’s the worst thing that can happen? That he tells you to wait? That he says no?”
Misha shrugged. “He would have every right to say no, few years ago I rejected him and I wasn’t really nice… I regret that now, especially after all this.”
“People make mistakes,” Cecilia said softly. “It’s a difficult situation, I agree, difficult to build a relationship from that but, If I were you, I would tell him. You can always start with little steps after that. You don’t need to jump into bed immediately, right?” She grinned.
Misha rolled his eyes, but smiled. “I guess you’re right.”
“I’m a woman, we’re always right.” She chuckled.
“Yeah right, so you like to think…” Misha said softly shaking his head.
A few hours later he got home and was greeted by the sound of Joni’s laughter and Ivo’s cheerful voice. It felt odd to hear it because he didn’t remember when he had heard Joni laughing like that before, so… openly and… happy? He got into the living room, cocking his eyebrow at the sight. Both men were sitting on the couch, Ivo rubbing Joni’s bare feet, but it was not what made the youth laugh, rather it seemed to be the book he was holding and…
“Hi Misha, had a good day?” Ivo grinned, both of their gazes drawn to the man standing in the door.
“Ivo was teaching me some Russia.” Joni smiled and showed him the Finnish-Russian dictionary.”
“So how is it going?” Misha asked, smiling slightly though he couldn’t help but to feel somewhat bothered of how intimate the two seemed at the moment, close and comfortable like that.
“Not so very good, but I guess I still have time to learn and it’s fun. Ivo is a great teacher and gives foot massage while teaching!” Joni grinned.
“Yes, but only for my favourite pupils.” Ivo chuckled and slowly got up. “So, I think I go and finish preparing dinner,” he said and smiled at Misha before leaving the two alone in the living room.
“You seem to be on a good mood today.” Misha smiled, sitting down on the spot that Ivo had previously taken.
“Yes, I feel better. It doesn’t hurt so much anymore.” Joni smiled. “And since I played with Ivo the day went by a lot faster.”
Misha couldn’t help the small jab of jealousy. He wanted to be the reason that Joni was happier not Ivo, but still…”It’s great to see you getting better,” he told him and wondered if he should do what he and Cecilia had talked about. Perhaps… He watched as Joni flipped the pages of the dictionary frowning and moment later smiling.
“I wonder if I can ever learn this properly… I wonder how you learned Finnish so fast.”
“With the right amount of determination you can do pretty much everything,” Misha replied. “So, what about that game we talked about earlier?”
“Sure, I guess Ivo will take time cooking.” Joni nodded and moved his feet on the floor to get up.
“You need any help?” Misha hurried to offer and Joni gave him amused look.
“My paws are healed enough to walk, if you haven’t noticed.” Joni couldn’t help but to tease the man, who obviously didn’t know how to react to it because he kept standing there like an idiot. “Come on Misha, let’s go play,” Joni said and walked by, smiling slightly. If Misha had been the sort of person to blush, he probably would have, but to his luck he wasn’t and so he followed Joni who already sat in front of the TV, setting the game ready for them to play.
Misha glanced at the brunet. He did care for his brat more than any other man he had ever been with so why couldn’t he just voice it out loud and not just hint it? Was there such a thing as the right time?
Chris watched Adam nervously, his fingers tapped the surface of the table. How much he wished he could have a smoke, just one, was it so much to ask?
“You are the only one I have left…” he started. “And now, because of her you are going to abandon me as well.” The tone was hurt, accusing.
Adam sighed. “I don’t know what to do Chris…” he whispered, resting his arms on the table. “I’m confused and I can’t say I am not disappointed in you, for what you did.”
Chris was silent for a moment, trying to think what to say because he didn’t want to lose his friend. “I know,” he finally whispered. “Don’t you think that I wouldn’t be disappointed, or upset?” Adam raised his brow, waiting for him to continue. “I went too far, okay? It’s just…” He took a deep breath trying to control the anger he felt inside. “I’ve never… felt so strongly about someone like I did for Joni, I do love him whether you believe me or not. I love him so fucking much it hurts inside and the thought of losing him… Or the thought of me doing that to him…” Again he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I can’t believe I did it… It’s a dark place… It’s like… something else is taking control, someone else that I can’t stop… It scares me Adam…” He looked at his friend, eyes watering. “I’m scared… Don’t leave me… I need you… Please!”
Adam wanted believe him, wanted to believe that it was a sincere plead of help. How else could he see it? He had known Chris for what felt like forever and he wasn’t evil, not a demon, just a person who did a bad thing, a mistake and who needed help. Adam nodded stiffly. “Alright, alright,” he said and glanced at the door before back at Chris. “So, you will confess everything?” he asked.
“I fought with Joni,” Chris answered. “I did… hurt him and I regret it.” Yet there still was a part of him that believed that his act was justified. Cheating had to be punished, but it was not what his friend wanted to hear and Chris knew that.
Adam nodded, feeling somewhat relieved. Chris regretting it was the first step and he could get better, couldn’t he? If only Suvi would believe it as well.
“How is Joni?” Chris finally asked.
“Still recovering. I will go see him later,” Adam replied and it was really why he had come to the city.
“He’s at his parents?”
“You should not be asking this, you know that… “
“Why? Is it because he’s somewhere else?”
“No, because you can’t ever have contact with him again. It’s unhealthy and Joni doesn’t need it.”
“They say I blackmailed him,” Chris said suddenly. “My model boyfriend allowed me to photograph him nude. He was 18 and willing. They have no right to go through my personal laptop and its files for such a reason.”
“You do have those pictures?” Adam asked trying to sound as calm as possible. Chris shrugged.
“Is it really important?”
“You did blackmail him with them? If so, then yes, it is important.”
Chris tilted his head, silent for a moment. “I didn’t blackmail him,” he replied.
“Do you have pictures of him?” Adam asked tightly, a bit frustrated.
“Of course I do, I have many. After all we were together for over two years.” Adam gritted his teeth.
“Naked pictures, Chris?”
“Like I said he was 18, I dare say that many have naked pictures of their partners. Don’t you have any on your wife?”
“What do you plan to do with those pictures?”
“Look Adam, I’m arrested, I have no idea how long I’ll be stuck here; do I look like I care for some stupid pictures right now?” Chris sighed. “Joni has left me, you’re abandoning me and my own family loathes me now knowing what I am. What do I really have left?” His face and eyes revealed Chris’ exhaustion, darkness forming underneath his eyes because of not sleeping properly.
“You did a terrible thing to him, Chris. Like I’ve said before, if you promise to seek help for your problems I’ll be there to support you, but only then.”
“How about your wife?” Chris asked. “What will she say?”
“Suvi… She won’t like it, but I’m sure that once things calm down…” Adam trailed of. “I can’t come here so often to see you for few months, she’s giving birth soon.”
“I hate this place, I hate this country!” Chris sighed. “I should have never have come in the first place. I came here because you asked me to, because my best friend asked me to accompany him! Now look where it got me!” Chris snapped and shook his head, bringing his hand over his forehead. “I’m sorry…” he muttered. “It’s just… so… fuck… You don’t know how it’s like… The desperation… I knew… I knew he couldn’t love me, yet I wanted… Wanted so badly for him to do and I just… I flipped.”
Adam looked at him sadly. In some ways he felt just as guilty and uncomfortable. “I’m sorry Chris…” he heard himself saying. “You will get help; just hang on, with time…” He took a deep breath. “You are still young; things can go better in the future.”
Chris snorted. “I kept telling myself so, when I was a child. Dad came home drunk, yelled at mother, they fought and then it was us… Me and my brother… And mom… God she was so weak… A sorry excuse of a mother… I told myself then; it will get better Chris, hang on, it will… Fuck it did… Here I am now! Fuck this shit!” ‘Fuck Joni and his new boyfriend!’ he thought to himself, feeling as the anger rose from within. He imagined the two in bed having sex and laughing at him, the bastards!
Adam felt tears in his eyes. It was difficult to watch and listen to Chris’ story and he wanted to comfort his friend. Chris was just so lost, so utterly lost. “Chris, I will help you, okay? Just… You did wrong but you can change, you’re taking the first steps. Admitting is one.” He tried to smile.
Chris glanced at him and nodded, deep down feeling pleased. He had won over Suvi! Adam was his friend and the bond between them was much stronger than anything the stupid bitch could possibly come to realise. “Thank you…” he whispered. “I can’t go through this alone,” he added. “I feel so scared. Everyone is against me.”
“You’ll get help and it will get better. I know it, Chris.” Adam reached for his hand, squeezed it and smiled to comfort him.
Chris nodded. “Tell Joni that I am sorry.”
Web published: February 15th, 2010.
My Secret Shore