I’ve been watching him for the whole evening, not really sure why. Joni is holding me close, kissing my neck, caressing my body. I know that by night, he would want me again.
Marko sits on Pete’s lap, where Pete captured him about twenty minutes earlier. At times our eyes meet, and then he turns his gaze away from me as if he would feel ashamed. I can’t help but to think what is going on inside his mind. He’s smiling, but now I can see through it, and I know that the smile just a mask of some kind.
Pete is touching him, kissing him, treading him as though he would be nothing more than just another thing that he owns. I wonder why I have never noticed it before.
We’re eating outside and Joni is feeding me; I guess he likes putting things into my mouth.
Once again, I look at Marko. He is about to take some bread, but Pete removes it from his hands, placing it down.
“You’ve eaten enough dear, I do not want you getting fat, and I’m sure that you don’t either.” I hear Pete telling him and Marko resigns, nodding his head. I frown at this. I’ve been watching him and I know that he hasn’t eaten enough to be full. He only ate some tuna salad and for a guy of our age and size, it just isn’t enough. After looking at Kim’s direction, I notice, that he too stops eating at this. Pete is such a jerk! I think to myself.
“Baby, you should eat some more.” Joni urges and gives me a sandwich that he made. I look at him with a warm smile; I’m glad that my man isn’t keeping me in hunger.
“Did you hear what Pete said? He’s such a jerk, controlling Marko’s eating like that. That guy needs more to eat.” I whisper to him.
“What do you care of it? It’s not our business hon. and besides; Marko is a big boy already, he can take care of himself.” Joni whispers back to me. ”Later tonight I’m going to give you that massage we talked about earlier.” Joni changes the subject and kisses my cheek. I know what would follow that massage. It’s seems to be impossible for Joni to handle my naked body without it leading to sex and more importantly; his cock ending up into my butt. That guy loves anal-sex; but only if he gets to be the one on top.
The air is getting chillier as the evening progress; the sky is painted with the colours of pink and gold. The others are starting to move inside. I watch as Marko is walking to the shore and sitting at the end of the pier. He’s only dressed in shorts and a t-shirt.
“Are you coming honey?” Joni asks.
“I’ll be there in a moment, okay?” I tell him with a soft smile.
“Okay.” Joni answers, kisses me and leaves inside.
I dress more warmly and get my coat, one quick trip into the kitchen and then I’ll return back outside. I walk towards the pier and Marko turns his head to look at me briefly. I sit next to him.
“Here.” I say as I give him one of the puddings he bought and a cheese sandwich. His eyes brighten and he looks surprised.
”Well, I wouldn’t be giving them to you if they weren’t.” I tell him with gentle amusement. He takes them and smiles back carefully.
“Thank you.” I can see that he’s cold, the blond hairs on his arms and legs are slightly up – I take my coat and place it gently on his shoulders, I get even more surprised look back from him. I am a little surprised as well from my sudden care for him. Wasn’t it just this morning when I still hated the blond sitting next to me? Well maybe hate is too strong for it, but at least I didn’t like him much, and now? Now something is different; something that leaves me confused and curious about him. Suddenly I feel the need to get closer to him, to solve the secret of him.
”Why didn’t you come to talk to me before, if you felt that way?” I ask finally.
“Would you have listened? I mean lets face it Jesse; we were hanging out in totally different groups. You were first-class student; good grades, good in sports, good in everything. You were liked by everyone; teachers and students and as for myself… well I was the little trouble maker, the one who talked back to teachers and did so poorly in every subject. And I did notice how you and your little Swedish group always looked at me; like I wasn’t worthy, and you still do that. But because of you, I wanted so much to do better, to be better… but I was never strong enough to make it, and I’ll never will be. I’ll always ruin everything, everything important.” Marko speaks quickly and then he looks frightened.
“Marko, I…” I start and try to take a hold of his hand, but he quickly stands up.
“Thanks for lending me the jacket.” He says, takes it off and hands it to me. The pier sways from his quick steps and I look after him as he disappears inside the cabin.
I stand up slowly, run my fingers through my hair and sigh. Suddenly I’m more confused than I’ve ever been. A part of me would want to run inside after him, hug him, kiss him, and tell him that everything is alright. Somehow I feel like he needs someone to tell him that. What’s wrong with me? I love Joni…
Only when I get to the terrace, I notice Kim sitting there, on a chair that’s pulled close to the railing. He looks straight at me, smoking a cigarette; I thought that he had given that habit up ages ago. His gaze is so intensive that it makes me shudder
“You’ve had a busy night.” He says with dark voice. I bend my head slightly to the side wondering why he sounds so hurt. I walk closer.
“What do you mean?”
“You haven’t really even noticed my existent.” Kim says, still staring at me. I know right away that he’s drank too much. I sit down on a chair next to him.
”It’s been an odd day. You could have come and talk to me yourself, if you wanted.” I answer and lean backwards on the chair. Kim puts his cigarette away. I close my eyes.
“I saw you talking with Marko.”
”And all of a sudden Marko is nice from your opinion?” He asks and I open my eyes. I look at him frowning. He seems so odd about this.
“Well yes, actually Marko is pretty nice.” I tell him, watching his reaction. He lifts his hands up on his face and sighs deeply, almost with hurt. He then looks back at me again.
”Jesse, you’re my friend, my best friend and I… I must be honest with you, there’s something that I’ve been hiding for too long and I can not stay silent for a moment longer.” Kim takes my hands in his. I’m too confused to react; I’m just staring at him, my face revealing my complete surprise. Kim sighs, his hand moves up on my cheek and he caresses my skin with tenderness.
“I love you Jesse.” And at that moment my whole world stops for a moment, but not in a pleasant way. No, not this, anything but this! I feel frozen, I can’t move. “Joni is not good enough for you… he cheats… you deserve better… you’re beautiful… Let me love you…” Half of what he’s saying goes un-heard by me. I stumble as I’m standing up. He stands up after me.
“Jesse, listen…” He presses me against the wall, and then it happens; his lips on my own, his bigger, fatter body is keeping me on place and the kiss is wet and awkward. His tongue forces its way into my mouth and I feel sick, literally sick. Kim is my friend, my best friend, like a brother to me. I feel really ill. No, not this, why is this happening? Alcohol, it must be the alcohol. I try to push him away and finally I have to use all my strength to succeed in it.
He stumbles backwards and looks at me in confusion and with hurt, we are both breathing heavily.
“This was a mistake Kim, you’ve drank too much… a mistake. I’m with Joni. You’ve drank too much, yes, that’s just it; drank too much. It will all be back to normal when the morning comes.” I keep repeating in some kind of a panic state. I rush towards the door and into the cabin. The door closes after me.
”Jesse, didn’t you hear me? Just listen to me!…Dammit…”
Pete is laying on the bed, wearing only his underwear. When he sees me walking into the room, he places his book down and takes the reading glasses from his face. I know that he’s been waiting for me.
I do not say a word as I start undressing and I know that he’s looking at me closely. I suddenly feel so cheap; I despise myself.
I think of Jesse and I despise myself even more. When I was talking with him today, when I sat beside him in the car, I realized that all the emotions that I had for him are still there. But I’ve managed to ruin everything as completely as a person can ruin everything. I had a very little chance of getting Jesse to warm up to me from the start with and then I went and had sex with his boyfriend. Why? I’m not even sure anymore. Maybe I thought that Joni is the closest that I can ever get to Jesse.
If Jesse didn’t hate me before, then he’ll certainly hate me once everything comes out in the open. And things like this seem to always have their way of getting revealed in the end. A depressed sigh escapes from my lips.
“Come here baby…” Pete calls from the bed with a husky voice, once I’m undressed to my underwear. I look at him, feeling tired. He is rubbing his hard organ through his boxers: I’ve never really had to do much to get him hard. Apparently, only taking my clothes off in front of him is enough.
I force my trademark smile on my lips, look at him from under my brows and walk smoothly towards the bed. Slowly I undress the last piece of clothing that I have on and climb on his lap. His other arm comes around my waist and with the other one he takes a handful of my hair inside his palm and bends my head back. I feel his lips on my neck, his throbbing organ against my belly. He’s sucking on my neck, leaving a mark that would show everyone that I am his.
I close my eyes, pretend that it’s Jesse who is touching me like this and not him. I bite down on my lower lip and moan as his hands are squeezing my ass. He lifts me up slightly, his cock massaging the skin between my buttocks.
”What do you want Marko?” He whispers with lusty voice.
“I want… I want to be fucked…I want you to fuck me…” I moan out the answer that he wants to hear. He turns me forcefully to lie on the bed on my stomach and immediately climbs on top of me. He wants it rough, I know it, I’ve gotten used to it, I’m not worthy of gentle loving. Wrapping his arm under my waist he lifts my hips up and I move so that my bum is up, my knees against the bed, but my upper body is lying down. He slaps my bottom with his hand and I hiss from pain, trying to stay as quiet as I can.
“Again…” I ask quietly. I deserve to be punished for what I did and I want to feel pain, only so that I would feel something else beside this emptiness and sorrow. I get what I ask; again and again. I feel my skin burning and I can only imagine how red my buttocks are by now.
Pete takes the lube and makes a hasty preparation. I close my eyes tightly and grit my teeth’s feeling him starting to position himself, he takes a firm hold of my hips and with one strong thrust he penetrates me; I feel like screaming, but manage to hold it in. Tears of pain have filled my eyes and I try to blink them away.
”Harder,” I hear myself asking and I can almost see the smile on his lips. The secure and familiar pain mixed with pleasure takes over me. But for some reason it doesn’t fill me like it once did before. Tears are running down on my cheeks as I’m asking for more; rougher, faster, harder. But nothing helps; the emptiness is still inside me, the pain in my chest. And finally Pete reaches his peak, the orgasm that he was after for. I didn’t reach mine, it doesn’t matter, I needed punishment, I got it whether or not he was aware of giving me on.
Pete lies down with satisfaction relaxing his body, ready to go to sleep. I myself am not, I stand up, every step is painful, but I ignore the pain as well as I can. I head out towards the bathroom.
“Baby, where are you going?” Pete asks.
“I’m going to take a shower.” I answer quietly and leave the room.
I don’t know how long I’ve been standing under the warm spray of water that caresses my body, I feel so exhausted of everything. I lean against the cold tile wall, massaging the water on my face with two hands. Why am I feeling this odd? I think of Jesse, I hate myself and it feels hard to breathe. My head is pounding, my eyes are burning. “Idiot…a slut… stupid slut…” I tell myself quietly and hit my head against the wall a few times.
Finally I force myself out of the shower and dry myself up. New tears in my eyes, but I force them to dry. What the hell is wrong with me? I can not bring myself to return to Pete just yet and so I go out.
It’s getting even chillier, dark clouds are beginning to gather; it smells like rain. At least this time I was bright enough to take my own coat. Jesse’s coat felt so much better on my shoulders though, why is that? Why am I thinking about him? I know that he can never, ever like me the way that I would like him to.
“You’re just as big of a whore as your mother was!” I remember my dad yelling at me. I was 14 when he said it for the first time. I was fourteen, when I lost my virginity to the older brother of my best friend. I was young and naive; I thought that by giving him what he wanted to have, I would have the love that I longed for. I was wrong, so wrong. My first time was painful, awkward and all in all quite displeasing experience. I didn’t only loose my virginity back then; I also lost my best friend.
I’ll never forget the expression on Ville’s face when he entered his brother’s room and saw us before we had gotten our clothes back on. After that day, he’s never spoken a one word to me, not even though we were going at the same school and sat in the same class for two more years. Now, if I see him somewhere, he might look at me, but never speaks to me. I can not blame him, but it sure doesn’t feel nice either. We had been best friends from the age of four.
And his older brother, Olli? Well, he also stopped calling me and never once even looked at my direction if we happened to be at the same place at the same time together. At the age of 16, I was out in the city one night, getting drunk with my friends and I happened to run into him. Olli would have been very keen on having some ass from me again, I told him to fuck off. He muttered an apology, told me that it was Ville who had told him to stay away from me. That it was because of his wish that he hadn’t contacted me afterward. I didn’t believe him then and I still don’t. What happened back then though left bigger scars than what I’ve ever really allowed myself to admit.
My drunken father lost his last respect of me when I told him that I was gay. In my confused state; after loosing my virginity and my friend, I cried at home and told my father everything that had happened. “Well that will teach you from lowering yourself in woman’s place, whoring yourself to other men; that is what you get.” I remember him telling me. From that day on he would often call me a whore or a slut, always remembering to mention my mother in the same sentence. He also started to believe that I wasn’t even his son, not for real, and that was the thing to hurt me the most.
Dad didn’t always drink, he didn’t always hate me and he didn’t always hate the world. I dimly remember a time when we were a pretty happy family. But then came the depression at early 1990’s and our family was one of those family’s that it affected on the most. Dad lost his job, we had big loans to pay and that was when he started drinking. Mom became subdued, she lost the joy of life and then one day she just left us. I still remember that day, I was nine years old, she told me that she was going to the store to buy some milk; she kissed my forehead and waved at me from the yard. Then she was gone; I’ve never heard from her again. I cried many nights, kept hoping that one day she would return for me, that she would tell me that she had money now and that she would build a new life for us, dad would stop drinking and we’d be happy again. It never happened though…
Only recently I’ve started to realize just how wrong Olli did back then. He was the same age that I am now and I was only 14, I was a depressed child, whose home life was close to hell. Olli started coming closer to me, when I was only 11-years old. I was just a kid; I didn’t realize that there was anything odd about the fact that a sixteen year old, a brother of my best friend, started calling me so often that a guy his age wanted to spend time with a kid my age. I remember looking up to him, I remember feeling flattered that he was so interested about the things I did or said. To my eyes; a sixteen year old was practically a grown up.
He did like to touch me a lot, touching me in places that at first, made me feel a bit uncomfortable. He said that he just liked me so much and that was how a person would touch if they liked each others, the way older people do, he said that I was growing up so fast. Then I started liking these touches; it was our little secret he said. I had always liked secrets.
At seventh grade I noticed that I had a huge thing for a boy called Jesse, a new feeling in my body, new kind of pleasure. I told Olli about my crush, told him that I think I liked boys more than girls. He smiled, I remember his smile so clearly, he said that I should practice; he said that he could teach me. He wanted me to touch his penis, he wanted me to kiss it, he wanted to touch mine, and I did it, I let him do it. I soon felt like I was falling in love with him.
Then he started telling me that he wanted to make love to me, he wanted to put his penis inside me and if I liked him, if I loved him as much as he loved me then I would let him do it. I was scared, but I feared that he would stop loving me if I didn’t let him do it and so I gave in. I guess that if Ville hadn’t caught us then, after the first time, then it would have continued happening more often.
After that incident, I guess I just lost all the respect for myself… So here I am; years later, at the age of nineteen and I’ve already slept with more men than I care to say out loud. My father is right; I am a slut.
I walk towards the sauna wanting to be alone for awhile. The pain in my chest is not leaving and for the first time in a long time, I realize that I am crying; really crying. I rush into the changing room, slam the door shut after me. I pace back and forth; I want to scream, I want to hit something. Finally I sit down on the cold floor and bury my face in my hands.
I finally give myself a permission to cry. I fear that I’m drowning and there’s no one to pull me back up. I’m so tired to the role of a dumb blond that I play. I hate the person that I’ve turned into. I can almost see the 11-year old version of myself looking at me with pity and I would like to reach out and ask for his forgiveness.
Suddenly the door to the sauna opens. My heart jumps to my throat, I look up.
“Marko?” Jesse speaks my name softly and looks at me with worry.
I can’t go to him, not now, I’m feeling too agitated and too confused. Through the backdoor, I ran back outside.
After making sure that Kim has left the porch, I walk towards the sauna. I’m guessing, that it’s the best place at this time of the night, if one wants to spend some time alone. I sit down on the upper bench, in the corner, hiding into the shadows. If someone happened to open the door and look in, there’s a good chance that they might miss me completely. Joni must be wondering where I am by now.
Joni… Kim spoke something about cheating. ”Joni cheats.” He said, and I can not help, but to wonder if it’s true. It is not the first time, that I’ve heard the same warning, truth or a lie. I had gone out with Joni, only a few weeks, when a guy my age, walked over to me at a club, as Joni was getting drinks for us. The guy looked at me from head to toe, and asked with cold voice if I was the newest conquest of Joni and when I told him that I was his boyfriend, this stranger said that he was sorry for me.
He had already turned to leave, but stopped then and looked at me again. “Listen.” He said. ”You seem like an okay guy, so do yourself a favor and forget about Joni, that guy will only break your heart. He’ll never be faithful, if you think otherwise, then you’re just going get hurt.” And with that he had left me.
After I told about what had happened to Joni, he said that it was just some jealous ex of his, who was walking around, spreading rumors about him, trying to break every chance of happiness that he got. Joni said that the guy just hadn’t gotten over from the fact that he left him, of course I believed my boyfriend and a big part of me wants to continue believing him now. But Kim has never lied to me… Why would he lie to me that Joni is cheating on me? ’Because he loves you.’ The voice inside my mind whispers. ’Because he wants you.’ It whispers again and I feel sick.
I wipe my lips with the sleeve of my shirt as I remember his kiss. Cold shivers ran down on my spine, but not the good kind of shivers. I remember how it felt having his soft, bigger body against my own ,and I’m thinking of how horrid it might feel to lay under him naked. I shudder.
‘You’re such a hypocrite Jesse, you do realize that, don’t you? You tell Kim that he’s cute, and that he shouldn’t think so little of himself and what are you thinking about him now? The truth is that you can’t think of him as being anything more than a friend because he’s fat. If Kim was handsome and muscular, you’d be all over him by now.’ The annoying little voice whispers inside my head, the annoying little voice, that is usually right.
I try to convince myself, that this time, it’s wrong. I’m not a shallow person, I am not, am I? A terrible quilt takes over me. It’s not a pleasant thing to notice something inside of yourself, that you’ve always hated in others. On the other hand, I still want so much to believe that it’s possible to fall in love with someone, who you don’t find attractive at first. Love makes you see things differently, it gives beauty to something, that at first seems to have non. When you love someone; they are always going to stay beautiful to your eyes, no matter of their faults.
But Kim has always been a friend, everything is even with him. He has not woken anything powerful inside of me, hasn’t gotten me flared up or charmed by his words. The conversations with him have neve really surprised me, nor have they waken me up to completely new thoughts. I could never feel passion with such a person, not even a little bit, and although in all relationships the passion from the start drains down in the end, it will always still be there and might rise back to it’s original high from time to time. But why am I thinking about this now? Confusion takes over me.
Is Joni cheating on me? If he is, then why? With how many? He can’t cheat on me, can he? ’Yes he can’ The voice inside me whispers again, and I don’t want to believe it. Maybe he cheats on me because I’m just not enough? Maybe I can’t satisfy him fully? But if I can’t, then why would he want me so often? –Confused, so confused.-
Joni is my first, I lost my virginity to him, it wasn’t like I wouldn’t have had offers, but the silly little romantic in me, always turned down the most. Joni was persistent, he wouldn’t give up. He said that I’m a fascinating little creature, I laughed then and I still find it amusing. ‘Little creature.’ I really am not that small, and I think that many would agree with me, but Joni is really tall; 188cm and my 175cm does feel short when standing next to him.
For three months, he was constantly wooing me. “I’ll get you to my bed, just you wait.” He said once, grinning with confidence.
“Well, I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.” I had answered, having almost as strong confidence as his. I had heard rumors before, rumors that said that he was one horny guy, who slept around. But resisting him, turned out to be much more harder, than what I had imagined, and I fell for him fast, although I tried my best not to show it. I was 18, when we first met.
The first night at the club where we met, he would have loved to get me to come home with him. But I made it perfectly clear to him, that I had no intention, nor the want, to join the long list of his sluts. Joni had laughed, but I hadn’t let him confuse me.
Back then, I was out clubbing almost every weekend, enjoying from my first year as an adult. I didn’t always drink though, you can have fun without booze; something that most of my friends didn’t get at first and still don’t.
Anyway; Joni was always there when I was, and always he tried to get into my pants. Finally he found out the name of the coffeehouse, that I worked in, and then one day; he appeared there. So there he was, ordered a black coffee with sugar, and tried to get my phone number. I always refused of giving it to him, told him that he should find something else do on his free time. Until my co-worker and a friend; Elisa, decided that she was going to do me a favor (according to herself) and give him my cellphone number. Joni called me that same night. I agreed on going to a one date with him. I told him, that even if he would pay for the dinner, he shouldn’t think that he was going to get anything else from me; beside the pleasure of my company. I still don’t know, how I managed refuse of having sex with him for so long, when in reality; I wanted him so bad that it hurt.
There were many times, that I gave him the red light, when he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. And still he didn’t give up on me. “What are you waiting for?” He asked once. “Marriage?” He laughed after and I was a bit offended by that, although I didn’t show it.
”I’m waiting for someone, who is going to want me even after it’s done.” I told him and he had looked at me in a funny way and then without another word he had kissed me; a long and passionate kiss.
“I can promise you Jesse that once I have had you, you’re going to have even greater difficulties of getting rid of me. And I also promise, that you’re going to enjoy it so much, that you don’t want to get rid of me either.” He had whispered to my ear, and I had just nodded my head in his arms. “I’m going to take you to the bedroom now.” He had said next, and after that, I hadn’t found the energy, nor the want to resist him.
All the doubts and the fears were were forgotten as we started dating. For over a year I’ve been living with the faith, that Joni has changed his bad habits, if the rumors of him even were true from the start with. And now the doubt has once again raised it’s ugly head and I’m beginning to think back of all this time that we’ve been together. A fact number one: Joni loves sex. A fact number two; my libido will never reach the same level as his, my body and my mind simply can’t take the amount that he craves for.
Have I been blind and naive thinking that love could cure him? Did I think too highly of myself, when I thought that I could be enough for him? Or are these doubts making a lousy boyfriend out of myself? If you can’t trust your own partner, then what is going to become of that relationship? Where would it base on? And if all the new fears of mine are reality, then how should I act? Can one forgive something like that? Should I forgive? Am I a fool when believing, that I could have a relationship, where both partners would be faithful? Maybe I’m living in a dream… Why am I wondering about things, that I have no certainties of? Why ask questions, to which I can not answer yet. I can not judge Joni, before I get more facts. Only thing that I have so far; is the words of my drunken friend, and it might be that I got him all wrong?
I close my eyes and rest my head against the wall. My quiet meditating is interrupted as I suddenly hear someone stepping into the changing room. I hear as someone is pacing, a fretful sigh and quietness follows. I listen closely and soon I hear quiet weeping. Slowly I stand up.
As I open the door I meet with Marko’s surprised eyes, he is sitting on the floor and I can see that he’s been crying.
“Marko?” I ask with worry and step closer, I kneel down onto the floor with him. “What is it?” I ask with soft voice and without planning it; my hand reaches out to touch his cheek, I wipe the tears away. He looks both confused and scared, as he looks at me, the color of his eyes is almost turned into turquoise. I’ve never seen eyes of the same color before. His cheeks are getting slightly red under my gaze and he turns his eyes away from mine, looking embarrassed. He swallows repeatedly, tries to fight his tears, his sorrow.
”Hey there’s nothing to be ashamed about…Marko… Please, look at me, talk to me?” I whisper and slowly he turns his gaze back to me. He breaks in front of me into tears, and quickly I pull him against my chest. I wrap my arms around him tightly, comforting. I feel his arms around myself, he squeezes my shirt inside his fists. My own worries are all forgotten, and I only want to comfort the beautiful, blond boy in my arms. I carefully start stroking his hair.
“Forgive me, forgive me…” He whispers with a hoarse voice, and once again our eyes meet. His face close to my own, our noses almost touching. I look at him and my breathing seems to get caught in my throat. My eyes are mesmerized by the beauty of his, and I can’t look away, I don’t want to look away. Slowly our lips meet, and I loose the ability to think. I kiss him, the taste of the salty tears on my lips, his tongue is playing with my own, I moan, surrender and forget about everything real for that one moment.
I pull him closer to myself. The moment, that I’ve been dreaming of for so long, is here now, and I never want to let go of it. He kisses me; Jesse is kissing me! My heart is beating fast, breathing gets harder, yet I’m thirsty for more, I long for more. Jesse’s hand in my hair, keeping me close, his other hand moves down on my back, and suddenly I feel clumsy, I’m never clumsy! I try get more comfortable, more closer, I want to be as close to him as possible.
And then it ends. Jesse is the one to pull back. He looks at me; the confusion in his eyes, makes me loosen my hold on him.
“This was a mistake, I’m sorry, could we just forget about this?” He says, still slightly out of breath, and stands up. I look at him bitterly.
“Don’t try tell me that you didn’t enjoy kissing me.” My mouth speaks before I have the time to stop myself. He looks at me, lips parting, searching for words.
“I… I didn’t know what I was doing, I’m sorry.” He whispers, I look at his lips; still red and slightly swollen after the heated kiss. “I have to go…” He says then and turns away. I would like to call his name, beg him to come back, tell him, make him understand, but I can’t find my voice, the words stick to my throat. I stay there and close my eyes.
I should have known. I feel so tired of this, of myself…
Finally I stand up, and walk back outside. I see Joni coming from the cabin, walking towards me, his eyes on me. I close the door behind me.
“Have you seen Jesse?” He asks, there’s a smile on his lips.
“I saw him only moments ago; I think you’ll find him in your room.” I tell him.
Joni walks up the steps, I lean against the door, he looks around himself, then back at me. He takes a support from the wall next to my head with his hand, his other hand moves down on my waist. His eyes meet with my own.
“What do you want?” I ask with a frown, even though I know what the answer would be.
“What do you think?” He asks with a grin, his hand moves down lower, squeezing my bum. “You look so incredibly hot right now.” He whispers and takes my left earlobe between his teeths. “How about it; a quick fuck, for one last time?” I look at him numbly, before I remove is hand away from me.
“Joni.” I start calmly, looking at him. “Go to your boyfriend, I’m sure that he’s waiting for you by now.”
“What’s this now? Yesterday you were like all over me, and now you tell me to go to my boyfriend?” Joni looks surprised, I guess he didn’t expect that a slut like me would turn him down.
“Jesse doesn’t deserve this, he is a good guy, better than most. Stop fooling around, and just take a look of what you already have.” I look into his hazel eyes. “He deserves better than this.” My voice sounds so peculiar; who knew that I still had some back bone left? I turn to leave, but he takes a hold of my arm stopping me.
“So now you’re telling me what to do? I can’t believe it; the whore is telling me to stay faithful. This is such bullshit.” My lips tighten, not the first time I’ve been called a whore, but it never feels nice to hear it.
“I may be a whore, but what are you then? You certainly are not better than I am.” I spat at him. He glares at me, no one has ever called him a whore, have they? I smile to him sweetly, he opens his mouth to say something, but when he thinks of nothing to say, he just growls and leaves me.
I sit down on the stairs and stare at the cloudy sky. I wish… I wish I had him. But I can never have such happiness, such boyfriend, can I? I look at the luxury cabin in front of me, the one that Pete owns and think about the house, in which we would return tomorrow. all that luxury, all this trivial nothing that I’ve should my whole life to. For awhile now, those have been the only satisfactions of my life beside sex, my only goal that I have managed to reach. Sitting here now, I realize, that in the end; I have nothing more than the scene of happiness. All of this is Pete’s and not mine. I know why is with me; it’s because of the sex, because of my looks, because of my youth. I’ll do what he wants me to do, and it’s always like that. He decides the time, the place, how; everything. And someday, he’ll get bored of me and where does that leave me? I’ll have bunch of clothes and presents that he has bought me, but what else?
Perhaps it would be the time to continue on? I’m afraid, that if I stay much longer, it will be even harder for me to return into the life that I left behind. I could get a job, or go to school; do something real. I do not wish to end up like my father; I do not want to turn into some bitter and lonely man, whose whole life is dedicated to drinking. The mere thought of it makes me shutter.
Maybe sometime I could be something? Something greater, than what I am now? Someone who has more to offer beside sex? I know what they are saying about me, I know what my reputation is, I guess, that I can only blame myself? I don’t even have friends of my own, not really, not anymore. All I have, is my drunken father, who hates me, and then I have Pete, but how long will I have him? Even Pete thinks that I’m just a brainless blond…. But just like the song says; the show must go on. With desperation I hang onto the mask that I have created, if I let it fall, I think I would fall down with it. I stand up and walk towards the cabin, to return to Pete’s arms. To return for now.
I heard everything; everything. The words repeat themselves over and over again in my mind. The image of Joni, as he leans forward, nipping on his earlobe, the words he said, the words that Marko said. My head is throbbing and my mouth is dry. I don’t remember walking upstairs, but here I am. I feel like throwing up, should I throw up? I walk into the bathroom, stare at the toilet seat, cold sweat on my forehead.
I feel dizzy, splashing some cold watter on my face; again and again, until I’m almost washing my skin raw. I stop. I look at myself from the mirror, I can hardly see, my head is beginning to hurt even more. I feel unease, nervous. I can’t breath properly. I kissed Marko; the feel of his lips still on my own. I had already left outside, but I stopped, hesitated, I wanted to go back; I wanted to go back to him! Why, why? I have to sit down for a second, that kiss, I wanted it, dammit… Joni, I stopped, I thought I was cheating on him with a kiss!
I saw Joni, as I was about to return to Marko, so I hide from him. Joni and Marko… I feel sick, I massage my temples, my hands are shaking, I’m shaking. Kim was right! But Marko… why?… I guess I knew, what did I expect? I saw how Joni looked at him.
When I return into the room, Joni is already there, laying on the bed. He sits up when he sees me. I get confused, breaking slowly from inside and I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to act. There’s no written manuscript; there should be one. I’m angry, sad, confused and scared, I feel dizzy. I blink my eyes, I don’t want to think, I don’t want to know! My head hurts and he is smiling, he says something and stands up. I have no idea what he is speaking to me, suddenly it’s like a whole different language.
He touches me and I shrink back. I can’t speak, no now, not yet, I don’t even know what to feel, what I should feel. I can’t even cry or shout, somehow I always thought I would do both. Tomorrow, maybe tomorrow? Maybe I wake up and this has all been just a dream, this is dream? I don’t want to deal with this, it would hurt, it hurts already. But I’m still in a haze, can’t really see through it. I shake my head trying to fight off something invisible, but it doesn’t leave, it refuses to leave.
Normally I would sleep nude, but now I leave my t-shirt and boxers on, I can’t look at him, I want to forget. Tomorrow, not tonight, I want to sleep. Can I sleep? I don’t say anything to him as I lay down, and wrap the blanket around me tightly, I would like to disappear under it completely, turn invisible. He touches me, kisses my neck. “Don’t.” My voice sounds weird, so weak, I don’t like being weak. I move, so that the word; don’t, would get the power that the voice didn’t manage to give it.
I close my eyes. He doesn’t say anything, but I can feel his weight on the bed behind me. I want to forget. I can almost feel his confused and concerned look on my back, I can feel his want to touch me and the unspoken questions between us.
Tomorrow. I do not want for tomorrow to reach us; to break us.
When I wake up, I can’t find him next to me. I yawn deeply, stretching my arms and legs, I then take a closer look around myself. The door opens and Jesse walks in, he doesn’t even look at me, just heads of to packing his things.
“Good morning babe…” I say, keeping my eyes on him. He doesn’t answer, just looks at me coldly, doesn’t stop what he is doing. He is wearing a yellow and blue colored Sweden shirt, the one he bought at spring from Stockholm, when visiting his relatives there. God I hate that shirt and he knows that I do…
“Honey, why are you wearing that horrible shirt? Take it off…pleeease…” I whine and rise into sitting position.
“I’m nursing my inner Swedish. And I’m so not going to change this shirt, I like it.” He snaps and moves in front of the mirror to fix his hair.
I stand up, pull my jeans on. I walk behind him, pressing myself against his back, he tenses immediately and pushes me away rudely.
“Okay, what have I done?” I ask, I can’t understand what’s his problem. He looks at me quickly, something flashes in his blue eyes, something that at first I don’t recognize. He turns his face away, I can see that his jaw is tensing slightly.
“Hurry up with the packing, I want to leave as soon as possible… I’ll take my things to the car.” He ignores my question completely, takes his bag and leaves the room. The door closes after him.
When I have finished packing I walk outside and see Jesse standing at the end of the pier, gazing towards the horizon. His arms are wrapped around himself. I place my bags into the trunk, close it, and walk towards the pier, I stop when reaching the shore. I don’t know what’s with him, but obviously something is weighting on his mind. My insides turn, a nasty feeling that everything is about to fall apart.
“Jesse, I’m ready, you wanna leave?” I ask him with a shout. He turns around, and the blank expression on his face makes me even more unease, I don’t like it, I want my happy, smiling boyfriend back. He has such a beautiful smile. I grasp his arm, when he is about to walk past me towards the car.
“Honey, please smile a little.” I touch his face, kiss his cheek, he looks uncomfortable. I kiss him, but he merely stands, as if frozen, on his spot, and doesn’t answer to the kiss.
“Lets go.” He says then and walks away. Marko walks towards him, he looks at Jesse with a question and stops. I hear him wishing good morning to him, but Jesse just looks at him briefly and keeps walking not saying one word to him. Others seem to get the same ice like treatment; which is so unlike Jesse. I sigh deeply, hoping that he would return back to his normal self, once we would get home.
“So you didn’t say goodbye to Kim? Has something happened with him when your acting like this?” I ask, as I start the car.
“I don’t want to talk right now.” He sighs and stares out from the window. Damn it’s annoying not to know what is going on inside his mind. This has to have something to do with Kim, I convince myself. Kim has harassed him, touched him perhaps, and that is why Jesse doesn’t want me to touch him now. I’m so going to kill Kim if that’s true.
I’m tired, I couldn’t get any sleep last night. My head is filled with images of Joni and Marko kissing, images of how Joni is fucking him, the memory of Kim as he kissed my lips and my kiss with Marko… I would want to scream out loud and cry, and yet I stay silent, I dare not to speak, for I fear that I would break. I fear, that I’ll blow up, I don’t want Joni to touch me and a part of me wants his touch. I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me that I only saw a dream; a bad dream. But I know that it wasn’t, I know what I saw, I know what I heard. I’m glad that I don’t have to be the one who’s driving, in this state of mind; I might just kill us both by making one wrong move. I want to go home, but is it my home anymore? I want to pack my things, and run. ’Damn you Joni, you fucking shithead!’ I want to scream. I want to cry, but not yet, not now.
I search through the glove compartment for my cd, and without a word, I place it inside the player, I turn the music loud. Joni growls in annoyance and turns it down, I turn it back up. He turns it low and I turn it back up again…
“Dammit! Do we really have to listen to this Swedish shit?!” Joni asks, glancing at me. I look back at him with anger. “I really am not up for it, and since I’m the one driving; I decide.” He says and takes the cd out.
“Swedish shit did you say?! Well maybe you’re not up for me either? Well at least I have been good enough to your bed even though I am a half Swedish! You fucking brick head, you piece of shit!” I snap at him, he looks at me in shock. I’m just so tired of his attitude, tired of the Swedish jokes, sometimes it feels like being a Swedish would be some big crime to his eyes!
“Honey, calm down, I didn’t mean it like that… honestly. I love you, you and all your Swedish parts, really I do…” Joni speaks, staring at the road ahead of us. He then touches my thigh gently, I slap his hand away, getting him to hiss from pain. “Baby, what is wrong? I really didn’t mean it sweetheart, my darling SwedenFinn.” He babbled. “You can listen to what ever you want, okay?” He promises then, I breath uneasily, the dam is almost broken and I don’t know how to stanch the upcoming flood.
“Don’t you babble me, I’m tired of your bullshit!” I shout at him.
“What the fuck is up with you today?!” He starts loosing his temper as well.
“What the fuck is up with me you ask?! You should know perfectly well what is up with me.” I stare at him, Joni is quiet, thinking of what to say. “I know Joni.” I say then, a little more calmly, but still with a cold voice.
“You know?” I hear him swallowing, I close my eyes.
“I know about Marko.” I answer, I feel odd and unreal, the words are forming from my lips, and I don’t know where we’ll end up with them. Quietness follows, oppressing silence, tension that you could almost cut with a knife. The sounds of the traffic around us, Joni’s breathing, the beat of my heart, my head is hurting. “When we get home, I’m going to pack my things and leave.” I hear myself speaking.
“Jesse…” His voice is hoarse, he squeezes the wheel; his knuckles are white. We are driving on the freeway, the worst possible place to tell your lover that it is over, but my mind however, is too fogy to realize that completely. The dam is broken now and the watter is only getting more strength as it flows. “You can’t… honey… love, lets talk about this, we talk once we get home, okay?” He begs with panick in his voice, sounding more like a scared child, than himself. I feel the pain in my chest, and it’s only getting worse, tears are burning in my eyes, but I don’t want to cry, if I cry then there’s no way to stop the flood. I nod my head, Joni sees it and accepts it as a reply. We both stay silent for the rest of the drive, neither one of us dares to speak, we are too afraid of the words.
The familiar smell of our home greats me as soon as I walk in. Once it was such a safe smell, a smell that meant love, security and warmth… and now it’s like a stab in the heart, because everything, that it once represented, has now been broken. The apartment that I’m in now, is no longer a home. Love is only a lie…
I hear a thump as my bag hits the floor, it can wait there, until I’ve gotten the rest of my things together. There’s no way that I can take all at once, no matter how much I would like.
“Jesse…” Joni walks behind me, touches my shoulders in desperation as I try to pack. I turn to look at him.
“Don’t touch me! It’s over, we are over!” I scream.
“No, it’s not over, it doesn’t have to be. I love you Jesse, please, lets just talk about this.” Joni looks at me with pleading eyes.
“You cheated on me! At that cabin, while I was there! How could you?!” Tears are starting to fall down on my cheeks, my hands are shaking. “How many?! How many have there been?!”
“Honey, calm down.” Joni tries, I back away.
“I am not your honey anymore! I saw what happened last night, I saw and I heard! You can’t denney it. How many? With how many guys have you cheated on me with?”
“Only him, only Marko. I swear, and I regret that it ever happened. It was a mistake and he means nothing to me, only you do, only you Jesse. I love you so fucking much. Forgive me. I was an arse, I admit that! But please, forgive me.” I look at him, trembling even more. He tries to hug me, but once again I push him away.
“I gave you everything, and you promised Joni! You promised and still you betrayed me, you’re breaking me!” I turn around, still trying to pack. I walk back and forth, Joni is following me like a lost puppy.
“I’m an idiot, I truly am, but I need you! You can’t leave me, because I need you!” The fear in his voice is making me hurt even more.
“And I should just believe, that what you are telling me now, is the truth? Should I just trust you? How could I anymore?” I stop for a second, take a deep breath. Joni is standing only a couple of feet’s away, his eyes are filled with tears like mine and for a moment I feel like going to him and hug him tightly, but I manage to forbid myself, I remind myself of what he did. He deserves his tears, deserves this pain.
“I swear to you, I’ll even crawl down on my knees if that is your wish, I’ll do anything at all, if you only forgive me.”
“Did you even use a condom?” I ask and the expression on his face is enough to give me the answer. “God dammit Joni! How can you be so stupid?! You fuck with another guy bare back and then you crawl back next to me!…” A moment of silence, Joni is nipping on his bottom lip, looking guilty, and suddenly it all becomes cristal clear to me. “Oh my God, you really did that, didn’t you? You fucked with Marko on friday night and then you fucked me on saturday morning! How could you! You fucking shit!” I start crying more uncontrollably. Joni tries to come closer and I start hitting on his chest with my fist and scream. “You bastard! I can’t believe you!” Joni backs away from me. “Do you even realize what you might have done? If I have some disease now…” My head hurts, I’m crying and then I start laughing in hysterics. “This is so fucking great! I saved myself and for what?! That I could take a jerk like you to be my boyfriend, to whom my virginity meant nothing at all I see, and now…” I’m swallowing hard, ran my fingers through my hair. “With my luck, I’ll probably have the HIV now, because of you.” I laugh. “It would be so fucking perfect!” I’ve never in my life cursed as much as I have during this one single day.
I keep shoving my clothes into my pack, shaking my head. I’m imagining how I’m telling my parents that I have HIV, I already see the tombstone in my mind. I’ve always been the one to overact things. When I was 12-years old for example, I was sure that I had fallen ill with a terrible cancer after I found some weird lump on the side of my throat. But as it turned out, it was just a swollen gland, caused by mononucleosis, or as we more friendly like to call it; the kissing decease. So I didn’t die, I just could talk or eat so well in the next two weeks that followed. Anyway, now I’m as sure as I was then, that one of the most frightening deceases has been infected on me, and all because of my cheating ass boyfriend, who couldn’t keep his pants on, or at least a condom on!
“Marko doesn’t have any deceases.” Joni says.
“And how do you know that he hasn’t? Did he show you some kind of certificate? And how the fuck am I suppose to know who else have you fucked with!” I snap. Joni doesn’t seem to come up with anything to say, so he just stares at me with that desperate manner of his.
“I come for the rest of my stuff later.” I tell him finally and leave towards the door carrying my bags. Joni follows after me.
“Jesse, please, stay with me, I need you. I love you. You’re the only one who can save me, the only one who can make a better man out of me.” He begs, takes a hold of my arm. I look at his face, he looks younger than he is.
“There’s nothing left to say Joni, everything is already ruined.” My voice breaks. “I wanted a person to whom I can trust, I wanted someone who would be just mine.” I tell him with a quiet voice. I can’t look at him anymore,but I know that he’s listening to every word. “I can’t share the person that I love… You need to find someone, who is okay with the idea of an open relationship, there’s plenty of such men. I just can’t do this. I just wish…” I sigh, close my eyes. “Maybe I’ve been too naïve, maybe it was a time for me to weak up into the real world.” I open the front door. “I’ll stop by some other day, to get my things.” My voice sounds tired. Joni says something, but I’m not listening anymore, for what could he possibly say to change things?…There’s nothing…
The door closes after me, the stairway is echoing from my lonely steps, it wasn’t suppose to go like this, we weren’t suppose to end like this. My first love and now it’s broken, taken…
I get into a taxi. Everything is gone, meaningless at the moment. My heart has been broken, stumbled onto the ground with the rest of the garbage… I wipe the tears away, somehow I just need to move on. I remind myself, that this is not the end of the world. People go through much worse things in life, much, much worse, and still they find the strength to move on, so I shouldn’t fall into pitying myself. But still, it’s hard to see ahead of your own pain, because at this moment; only that is what is real, only that is what matters…
And you wanna know what the scariest part of this all is? That a part of me, is more hurt by what Marko did, than what Joni did!… I could almost laugh; when did my life start to remind of some cheesy soap opera??