Joni had decided that he needed to do something to prove to Misha that he was feeling better. He was afraid that Misha would forever see him as a victim, that their relationship would remain in this odd stage where neither he nor Misha were acting normally, where he was the patient and Misha his nurse. Caring was sweet but Joni had really started to feel that Misha was overdoing it and that wasn’t how he wanted Misha. The Misha Joni wanted was the way he knew him to be before and not the over protective mother hen!
Misha wasn’t even sleeping next to him anymore. When Joni had asked why, the man had mumbled something about it being inconvenient, something about morning things and then the blonde had quickly changed the subject. It didn’t need an Einstein to tell Joni that Misha was basically worried to freak him out with quite possible and natural things like getting an erection in his sleep. He didn’t need Misha to act all virgin like, didn’t need him to get so clearly uncomfortable with sex issues in his presence. Ivo, Dima and Linda were all the same way and it was another thing to annoy Joni. It was as if someone had written “raped” on his forehead, or marked him with a big, bold scarlet letter.
It shouldn’t affect them! Because it didn’t affect him either, yes, Joni decided that he was now completely over it. It had happened, it sucked, but there was nothing that could be done to change it so he could simply just forget it and act like normal. Who said anyway, how one should act after being raped? Who claimed that he should now forever be fearful of another man’s erect penis and his own sexuality? Joni wondered when lying alone in his bed the night before his birthday. It was too hot to sleep properly so he had plenty of time to think. Was he expected to cover up his body simply because of Chris? No! Joni gritted his teeth and threw his t-shirt on the floor as a silent protest to his invisible or rather non-existing audience. He felt somehow better and sighed. Should he hate his own body? No! He would not! To prove this, he also removed his boxers, lying on his back, naked and staring at the roof of the dim bedroom.
Joni carefully looked down, carefully moved the thin blanket aside from his chest and touched his own bare skin. He was healing, the bruises were disappearing, washing away what had happened and Joni wanted to believe that he was also able to wash it from his mind. He wouldn’t hate himself, he wouldn’t hate his body, he should love his body and he would still enjoy sex! He would enjoy his own sexual appeal and control it. He would control himself, not thinking about the past, not letting Chris win. He could forget, he needed to, he would prove he could. Prove it to Misha as well. Joni allowed his hand to travel further down, under the thin sheet, over his groin to his flaccid penis. He felt weird somehow doing this, but he ignored it and slowly started to move his hand to rub himself, arouse himself. He closed his eyes, listened to his own breathing and tried to focus on anything but Chris. Misha, how Misha’s lips felt against his own, the warm breath tickling his skin, the touch of his hand, the feel of his muscles. He imagined sitting on Misha’s lap and kissing him all over, imagined the moan from the other’s lips. He felt his cock responding and smiled, his eyes still closed. He spat on his other hand and brought it down continuing to pleasure himself.
“You’re never too tired for this, always willing to spread your legs, so don’t lie to me.” The whisper from his memories rang in his mind and made him lie still. Joni opened his eyes, breathing fast, feeling the tears rise in his eyes as he let go of his organ. He wrapped the sheet around him, lying on his side and gritting his teeth. “Sissy whore…” The memories were dangerously starting to fill his mind.
“I will not think of you, you don’t matter to me, not anymore.” Joni whispered to reassure himself. Repeating over and over in his mind that the past didn’t matter, Chris didn’t matter and the rape or the abuse couldn’t affect him, not anymore. He would will himself to forget, force it out of his consciousness. He could do it because he was strong. He liked sex and he was sexual and desirable and he would prove to Misha that he was fine, prove to himself that Misha still wanted him that way. With these thoughts, Joni slowly fell asleep.
Misha had his alarm clock waking him at 6:30am; he sighed and forced himself up. It was Joni’s birthday, he wanted to make him breakfast before going to work. A quick shower, dressing up, getting Joni’s present, then downstairs into the kitchen. By now it was almost 7am. Ivo was still sleeping and Misha had told him that he could congratulate Joni later and that he didn’t need to get up early as well. This time his older brother didn’t even try to tease him about the whole thing, so perhaps this Jami person really was a godsend.
Misha prepared some coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice, cooked some eggs and bacon with toast, added some vegetables on the plate and then placed them all on the tray before heading back upstairs. He gave a soft knock on the door before entering the room.
Joni moaned still half asleep, he was laying on the bed on his stomach, one hand close to his face, the other bent above his head. “Happy birthday Joni, I’m not going to sing, but I did bring you breakfast,” Misha said, stepping further in. When he took a closer look at the sleepy dark haired youth he had to swallow. The thin sheet that worked as his blanket revealed parts of naked skin on his back and part of his left buttock. The sight was so utterly sexy that it caused Misha’s hands to tremble and almost he spilled the drinks from their cups. “Shit,” he cursed almost silently under his breath just as Joni slowly brought his head up.
“Morning,” he mumbled sleepily and smiled. Misha swallowed heavily again and placed the tray on the table, trying not to look at the youth to control his wakening lust.
“Did you sleep okay?” Misha asked and Joni sighed making an effort to turn and bring himself into a sitting position which only caused more naked parts to become revealed in the process. ‘Dear God, he’s naked…’ Misha’s brain registered which instantly woke the interest of his lower parts.
“It’s so hot…” Joni complained, fluffing up his pillows behind him, finally in half lying, half sitting position, arranging the sheet over his lap. Misha nodded, his eyes busy with scanning the interesting sight in front of them. He wanted nothing more that to get onto that bed, pull that sheet away and then kiss and lick Joni’s body all over. Misha blinked at the sudden mental images, he felt so incredibly horny that it was insane! And it was also terribly improper! – He reminded himself.
Joni grinned seeing the way that Misha was looking at him, silently and… lustfully! “Hmm… did the cat get your tongue, Misha?” He asked in a playful tone and tilted his head. Misha cleared his throat, picked the tray up and then settled it down on Joni’s lap. There was only that cursed thin sheet! And it felt impossible to get any clear thought in his mind besides how naked Joni was under that one thin piece of fabric!
“So, you slept alright?” Misha was able to ask, trying to smile as he brought a chair closer and sat down, leaning forward. Joni looked at him and snickered.
“You already asked me that,” the dark haired youth whispered and grinned. “And I complained that it’s so… hot.”
“Hot,” Misha repeated stupidly, that was how he felt at the moment. He felt his cock twitching and tried to think of something… un-sexy, which again was difficult when there was something so utterly sexy presented right in front of him. “Oh…I had a present for you as well…” He said and handed him the gift that he had been holding in his hand. Joni was chewing on a piece of cucumber, looking at him and smiling, the juice of the vegetable made his lips so moist and… inviting. Joni took the gift.
“It’s nothing big… I’m not really good with getting gifts, so…”
“I’m sure it’s fine,” Joni smiled before starting to unwrap it. Inside there was a dark blue covered book, a silver ink pen in a thin blue case and box of chocolate covered strawberries that Joni had said he liked. The brunet flipped through the empty pages of the book and raised his brow in question.
“It’s a journal…” Misha explained. He would give Joni another gift on Saturday, the boy didn’t look very impressed and he couldn’t really blame him, but Saturday was the more special day because then they could spend the whole day alone with each other. “You know, you can write your private thoughts in it and I thought in this erm… situation, it might be helpful and all and yeah…”
“In this situation,” Joni repeated. It only confirmed that Misha still thought of him as some fragile victim, but seeing Misha’s nervous expression which was really quite a rare look for him, yet disturbingly cute, Joni couldn’t help but smile. “Thank you, Misha. I never really had a journal before, who knows, maybe I’ll discover my inner writer?” He joked and grinned. “Perhaps I’ll be famous then, ‘the memoirs of a brat’. What do you think; would people buy such a book?”
Misha smiled back at him. “Maybe?” He wondered. “I’d be interested at least,” he said, his eyes once more travelling to check out Joni’s bare chest; he couldn’t help it. Joni smirked, getting more confident.
“Can I have a birthday wish?” He asked in almost innocent tone.
“Mmh?” Misha brought his gaze back up. “What is it?” He smiled. Joni brought his index finger on his lips tapping them softly.
“A kiss? A proper birthday kiss.” Joni answered and as Misha stood up and leaned closer to Joni, he already knew he would have a hard working day ahead of him. He brushed his lips softly against the brunets, who brought his hand behind his neck, parted his lips invitingly and deepened the kiss. There was a soft moan, Misha’s hands cupped Joni’s face, his fingers seemed to burn with the urge to touch the younger male more, to get rid of the tray that rested on his lap, to throw away the sheet and simply enjoy the nudity of Joni’s beautiful body. He was starting to feel slight pressure in his pants and willed himself to part with those sweet lips.
“Okay, I must be getting ready to work,” he said then and Joni smiled.
“Okay,” he said and took a sip of his juice. “Thank you for the breakfast and the gift.”
“No problem, enjoy your day,” Misha smiled heading towards the door.
“Oh, Misha?” Joni called, stopping the blond just as he had reached the doorway.
“It did arouse me as well, the kiss.” Joni smirked at the somewhat odd, embarrassed, almost bewildered expression that formed on Misha’s face. “Enjoy your work day.”
“Oh, yeah… see you later Joni,” Misha said, smiled and left, almost hurriedly. Joni almost wanted to snicker; it was quite funny to be able to do this to the usually very confident Russian.
Katja sighed as she stared at the abyss grey Toyota parked on their driveway. Some things never changed, she thought smiling at her husband who glanced at her while circling the car. “So what do you think? Beautiful isn’t it?” He asked.
“Yes, and expensive, there goes our holiday money for the whole year,” she said folding her arms over her chest before stepping closer to the car.
“But… Joni deservers it…” Asko tried to defend. “He’s turning 20 and… He’s…” Katja sighed once more, closed their distance and kissed his cheek.
“I know… “She whispered smiling softly as she brushed his hair back. “He’s been through a rough time and… Well, it’s not like we would have travelled anywhere anyway in this situation.” She took a small pause and grinned. “I am still certain that you would buy him the moon from the sky if you could, if you knew it would make him happy.” The man gave her a slightly embarrassed look.
“I love you, Katja. You do know that, don’t you?” He asked bringing his hand on her cheek.
“I know and I love you,” she answered and then took another look of the car. “Actually, I am kind of looking forward to Joni seeing this.” Asko smiled and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.
“I hope he’ll return home to us soon,” he said and when he saw the look Katja was giving him, the way her lips parted to speak, he continued. “But I won’t pressure him; it’s up to him to decide.”
“Good,” Katja smiled and reached to kiss him.
Next afternoon on Joni’s birthday, they arrived at the house where they were greeted warmly by the oldest of the three Russian brothers at the door.
“Joni, your parents are here!” Ivo called and soon they heard the steps from the stairs as the youth hurried down.
“Hi!” Joni grinned as he approached.
“Happy birthday, son!” Asko smiled, hugged him and then took a closer look. “You look so much better, how are you feeling?”
“I feel great!” Joni smiled and then hugged his stepmother who also congratulated him. “Where are Sini and the twins?” He asked.
“They are with my parents at their cabin,” Katja replied. “They all wish to see you soon.”
“Next week, I am sure,” Joni nodded and smiled. “If they are home by then?”
“They are,” Katja answered. “You have a new hair cut too?” She noticed. “Looks great.”
“Yup, Ivo’s friend came here yesterday.” Joni grinned glancing at the man, who cleared his throat and smiled.
“Come, let’s go to the kitchen? Coffee is ready and I made some strawberry cake earlier with Joni.” Ivo smiled.
“Sounds delicious,” Katja said as she and Asko took their shoes off.
“Here’s your gift, it’s from both of us.” Asko said as they were seated in the kitchen, he handed out a large envelope to Joni, who looked at them both with curiosity, before opening it. First thing he took out was the car keys, again he glanced at them both with slight confused frown not daring to believe it was what it seemed to be. His parent simply smiled, waiting and Joni then pulled out the documents and the pictures.
“Oh my God!” Joni gasped with barely controlled excitement. “You bought me a car?!” He asked looking at them and back at the documents that stated that the brand new, straight from the factory car was his! Asko chuckled at the look on his firstborn’s face; it brought him more joy than words could express, to see Joni looking so happy now, after everything.
“I know it’s not quite the LeMans you dreamt of, this is more sensible and more in our budget, plus it’s safer to drive. I am your parent after all and your safety is my main concern.” Asko said. Joni got up and hugged him tightly.
“You are the greatest dad ever!” He said unable to stop from smiling. Asko felt a little tug in his chest, feeling deeply moved, happy and somehow relieved.
“You are very dear to me, Joni” he whispered, also felling somewhat conscious of the Russian’s presence. Joni then walked over to Katja and hugged her as well.
“I hardly know how to thank you both!” Joni confessed. “Toyota Prius, it is a great car!” He nodded. “Look Ivo,” he said then and handed out the papers to the blond who had been observing the family silently smiling to himself.
“Looks great, now I am jealous,” Ivo chuckled and gave the papers back to Joni. “I have been thinking of getting one myself, it has a great environmental value.” Ivo said then looking at Joni’s father who nodded.
“Yes, it was one deciding factor for me, plus the safety issues, Toyota’s have usually been quite reliable.”
“That’s true, I have an Audi myself, well one that I share with my brother Misha.” Ivo and Asko started to talk more about cars, Joni studied the papers silently and Katja slowly ate the piece of cake on her plate while following the conversation with amusement; men and their toys.
“Dad, when can I drive it?” Joni asked after they had all enjoyed some cake and coffee.
“It’s waiting for you at home, whenever you feel well enough.”
“Perhaps this weekend?” Joni suggested. “Could you drive it here dad? Then I’d drive you back home and return here with it?”
“Hmm, perhaps you should still wait?”
“But I feel just fine!” Joni said. “Please dad?” The man sighed, it was that tone of voice, that look he had… He glanced at his wife who shrugged her shoulders and smiled.
“I don’t know… If I do you have to promise to drive carefully, within speeding limits, no testing how fast you can go. The last thing we need is for you to get back into the hospital.”
“I will be careful, I promise,” Joni assured. “I’m sure I can ask Misha to come with me.”
Ivo smiled at this, looking at the boy. “Yes, I’m sure that my brother wouldn’t even let Joni go alone, so there’s really nothing to worry about.” He said looking back at Joni’s parents. Asko nodded slowly, he still felt it was too early for Joni to start another relationship at such a moment, but on the other hand after his little chat with Misha earlier he felt a little more secure about it, the man seemed sensible enough.
“Alright, I can drive the car here tomorrow evening,” he promised.
“Thank you dad!” Joni said cheerfully.
“I’m relieved that Joni is doing so much better,” Asko said as they were driving back home.
“Yes, it was nice to see,” Katja agreed glancing at him quickly before looking back out from the window.
“He seemed so happy today; perhaps it means that he really is starting to get over from what happened.” Asko smiled and got her attention once more.
“Hmm… I don’t think it’s that easy… In fact I’m little worried,” Katja confessed.
“Worried?” He asked with puzzled tone of voice.
“I don’t know… He seemed so…” She tried to find the right way to express her thoughts, but her thoughts were rather confused. “Okay, he seemed too cheerful, like he’s trying too hard, you know? It’s just such a big change all of a sudden.”
“You would prefer him being depressed?” Asko asked slightly agitated, but mostly confused.
“No, of course not. I just think he’s going through a mental rollercoaster…” She shrugged feeling somehow helpless. “I just think it would be good if he’d talk to some professional, instead of trying to act like nothing bad happened. The trial will be stressful, I don’t know if he realises what is still waiting ahead.” Asko was quiet, thinking to himself. Joni’s behaviour had indeed taken an incredibly fast turn to the better from what it had been the last time he had visited. Today he had been like his former self, cheerful and chatty, confident, not mentioning Chris or anything that could be related to what had happened between them.
“I guess you are right,” he finally admitted. “I just don’t know how we can suggest a therapist to him, without upsetting him.” Asko sighed, he knew it would be a struggle, but Katja was right after all, Joni should talk to someone instead of trying to ignore what had happened, like it now seemed he was trying to do.
Misha had a very difficult time to focus on his work, all he could really think of was Joni and how… sexy he had looked that morning. He kept making silly mistakes, the numbers and images on the screen seemed to blur and at times he found himself logged onto his facebook profile, just so that he could look at Joni’s pictures; which only made it so much more difficult to focus back on working.
He hadn’t felt this way for someone before, it was quite scary. Joni was on his mind constantly and he would really need all the will power in the world to progress slowly with him, especially if Joni continued to offer such sexy images to him. He kept reminding himself that the brunet wouldn’t be ready yet and he would wait until he was, no matter how hard it was going to be.
When he got home after picking up some Chinese takeout, he was greeted by Joni in the hall before he had even had the time to take his shoes off.
“Hi!” Joni grinned, hugged him and kissed his lips. Misha smiled at him.
“Well hello, you sure seem to be on a good mood,” he took note as he kicked his shoes off and took a closer look at the youth. Joni was wearing dark green shorts and a sleeveless black t-shirt that hugged his torso, so apparently he wasn’t trying to cover up his body anymore…
“I am! Guess what? Dad bought me a car!” Joni grinned and then eagerly tugged at his hand. “Come, I’ll show you the pictures! He promised to bring it here tomorrow, and then I can take you for a drive!” Misha followed Joni into the living room, somehow amused about how excited the other was. Joni took the papers from the coffee table and gave them to him. Misha lowered the takeout bag down to look at the papers and pictures more carefully.
“Toyota Prius,” Misha read and was quite surprised, when Joni said his dad had bought him a car he had expected it to be a used one. Who could compete with this kind of gift?, he wondered silently. “These are rather expensive, aren’t they?” He looked up to Joni.
“Dad got promoted a while back and got some big bonus…” The brunet replied smiling. “So… will you go for a drive with me tomorrow? Will you dare?” Joni asked in a playful tone and grinned while pressing closer, his hands lowering on his waist. Misha swallowed, leaned forward and kissed him gently.
“Are you feeling well enough for it yet?” He asked slightly doubtful, which caused the younger man to sigh heavily and release his hold of him.
“Yes! I feel just fine!” Joni replied somewhat tensely and folded his arms over his chest. “I’m bored and want to do something different! I want to go for a ride with you tomorrow.”
“Alright, alright, we can do that,” Misha sighed smiling and brushed his hand softly over Joni’s hair. “Don’t pout on your birthday, let’s go and eat some Chinese food.”
“Alright,” Joni smiled, cheering up again. Misha lowered the papers back on the table, took the bag with takeout food and then lead Joni to the kitchen.
“Where’s Ivo by the way?”
“Outside, talking with Jami on the phone, he’s been there like half an hour already,” Joni grinned sitting down in front of the table.
“Oh my, that is serious,” Misha chuckled.
“It’s cute,” Joni said and was quiet for a moment watching Misha who took plates for all three of them and started serving the food. “So it looks like it’s just you and me on Saturday evening, huh?” He asked and Misha glanced at him, not really wanting to spoil the surprise.
“Perhaps, though Dima and Linda might visit and I might have to do some work at home, it’s only a week to my holiday, so there are lots of things to do before that.” Misha shrugged and Joni felt a slight disappointment, he would have wanted Misha’s company all to himself, without interruptions. “What would you like to drink?”
“Beer,” Joni sighed and Misha nodded. Since Joni was off the medication now, a little alcohol would do no harm. He poured beer into both his and Joni’s glass and when he noticed the slight pouting look over the brunet’s face he smiled and kissed the tip of his nose.
“Cheer up, it’s your birthday and you got a new car,” he whispered which brought a smile on Joni’s face.
The next evening Asko drove the car to the driveway and Joni, who had been waiting eagerly the whole day, immediately rushed outside to greet him. “My car is here!” He shouted to the two brothers from the door and Misha glanced at Ivo, grinned and rolled his eyes before getting up from the couch.
“It’s fun to see him this excited,” Ivo said as he followed Misha to the front yard. When they got outside, Joni was already busy with studying his expensive gift from inside and out. Misha couldn’t help but to think how cute he looked, his little spoiled brat was back and he rather enjoyed watching him.
“I love this car, dad!” Joni finally cheered, walked closer to his father and hugged him tightly, which made Asko chuckle softly.
“I’m very glad that you do,” He said and watched with amusement as Joni returned quickly to the car, opening the driver’s side door and sitting down to marvel at all the details inside.
“Misha! Come here!” Joni called and Misha circled the car to the passenger side sitting down next to him. “Isn’t it wonderful?” Joni asked beaming as he hugged the steering wheel. Misha grinned at him.
“Yes, it’s a beautiful car,” he agreed. “And I like it even better because it seems to put you in such a great mood.” He said, briefly touching Joni’s thigh.
Meanwhile Asko approached Ivo. “I didn’t have the chance to ask yesterday, how has it been going here with Joni?” He asked standing by the tall man’s side. Ivo smiled at him.
“It’s been going just fine; it’s been nice to have him here.”
“How has he seemed to you? I mean he says that he’s fine, but do you think that it’s true?” Asko kept his voice low and his gaze towards the car where Joni and the younger Russian were talking. Ivo placed his hands into his trouser pockets, quiet for a brief moment before answering.
“Well, the last couple of days he’s been quite cheerful, but before that… Well, his mood swings a lot and I do see a clear difference between now and just few days ago.” Ivo sighed, hearing Joni’s laughter, seeing him lean towards Misha and giving him a brief kiss, which was quite a bold move in front of them and it seemed Joni had suddenly become a lot bolder in this sense. Misha had also mentioned it the previous night after Joni had gone to bed. Asko was also somewhat surprised to see the kiss, things had apparently progressed fast. “To be honest, I don’t think he is as fine as he tries to let us think, mostly I think that he’s trying to trick himself.”
“Well, I hope your brother understands not to push this relationship of theirs too fast,” Asko said worriedly.
“Misha really cares about Joni, you don’t have to worry about it, the last thing he would do is to pressure him. This stage he’s going through now might be brief and I think we all should be prepared for any switch in his behaviour.” The concerned father nodded, again looking towards his son who at the moment looked happy like nothing bad had ever happened. He hoped in his heart that it could be like this, that it could be this easy for Joni to get over Chris and what he man had done to him, but deep down he knew it couldn’t be and all they could really do was to wait and be prepared to support him in any way possible.
A/N: Please review , either on shout box or the questbook where the review link leads to, thank you 🙂
Web published: August 9th, 2010.
My Secret Shore