Kisses, soft hands running smoothly over his naked skin, he felt warm and aroused. Joni brought his hand to touch the soft blond hair and moaned as the man kissed along his neck. Rolling over the sheets, their bodies tangled together close to become one. Suddenly the lights flickered and the room darkened, the gentle touch turned violent, the body on top of his suddenly so heavy that it seemed to suffocate him, the breathing was harsh, the kisses grew demanding and Joni struggled against the other, feeling the intense need to get away. Panic swept through him, it was not Misha, the long dark hair was loose and falling over the man’s shoulders, the blue eyes glowed and the face twisted forming a nasty grin. Joni wanted to scream but no voice came out and his body refused to move, heavy and uncontrollable.
Chris held him down effortlessly and laughed, the laughter echoed in the room and Joni could not form a sound to call for help, his lips moved but nothing came out. “Whore, such a nasty cheating whore… you are dead now!” Joni saw the glimmering of a sharp weapon above him and it was coming down towards his chest at alarming speed, Chris was laughing madly. This time Joni did scream.
Crying out in despair the young man sat up quickly, his hands reached to touch his bare chest to check for possible injuries.
“Joni… Joni, calm down,” a voice tried to soothe him and at first the youth tried to shake off the reassuring hands, his mind still confused between reality and the nightmare. “You’re okay, it was just another nightmare. I’m here and you’re safe.” Misha pulled him close and Joni hid his face against the man’s chest, trembling in his hold. Slowly the blond caressed his hair, waiting for him to calm down. “Just a dream,” Misha repeated quietly, rocking him back and forth. “Do you want to talk about it?” The man asked and for a while Joni was silent.
“No, not really…” Joni finally replied. “It was just a bad dream, like you said…” He added and tried to calm down while at the same time he couldn’t help but wonder if Chris could really kill him if given the chance. They couldn’t lock him up forever, one day Chris would be free and what if the man could never learn to forgive and forget? Joni felt scared, but he wasn’t ready to voice his fear out loud.
“Let’s get back to sleep,” Misha said and they lay back down side by side. Joni’s head rested on Misha’s chest and the blond slowly stroked his arm, neither of them spoke. Each of their minds wrapped around the issues that worried them. Joni’s around Chris and his possible release, Misha’s around the guilt he felt about sleeping with Joni when it was obvious that the youth hadn’t been ready to take such a step. Misha wasn’t sure how this relationship could work like this; perhaps he just wasn’t good enough for Joni after all? The thought made him feel somewhat depressed, but he didn’t know how to forgive himself for what he had done.
For the rest of the night Misha barely caught any sleep, there were too many thoughts battling inside his mind. Joni would continue having nightmares, he needed help and Misha really didn’t have the faith anymore that he alone could provide him with this kind of help. He felt so frustrated and angry at himself, he should have known better! If he couldn’t control his own lust for the brat then maybe he shouldn’t be so close to him? Joni had to be confused; he wasn’t ready for a relationship and this… Sleeping together in the same bed couldn’t be a wise thing to do anymore.
Misha had thought to be level headed, someone who had the control in his hands, but last night had proven that thought wrong and now… This was just too soon, they should just be friends, surely that was what Joni needed more. He didn’t need to feel the pressure to be intimate and Misha feared that that was the atmosphere he had created. Misha wasn’t sure how to talk about this to Joni, but somehow he would need to. Perhaps later… Misha glanced at the other’s sleeping form feeling sadness wash over him. He did care for Joni; he wanted him more than anyone else, but right now… The timing was just so utterly wrong, they needed to be friends, just friends, for Joni’s sake.
It was 7 am when Misha finally got up glancing at the other who was still sleeping. He tried to be as quiet as he could while getting dressed, not to make too much noise to wake Joni up. The door however creaked when he opened it reminding him that he should have oiled the hinges a long time ago.
“What time is it?” Joni’s tired voice asked and Misha turned his face to him, holding his hand on the door handle.
“It’s still early, you can go back to sleep,” he answered and tried to smile.
“You’re all dressed already,” Joni took note before rubbing his eyes.
“Yeah, I have a few things to do, just go back to sleep, okay?” Misha gave him another hasty smile before opening the door wider, stepping out and then closing it after him. He didn’t know how he could bring himself to talk to Joni about the matter.
He headed downstairs and washed the dishes from last night in the kitchen before turning the coffee machine on. His shoulders felt heavy as he thought about what he needed to do. It really did seem like the only option he had, to take the control back, the role of the better man that he wanted to be. As painful as the idea was, they would have to go back to being just friends, they would have to wait a little longer to become something greater. In his mind Misha was convinced that it would be the best for Joni.
When alone, Joni felt confused of Misha’s early retreat. He pulled the blond’s pillow next to his chest hugging it tightly for comfort and warmth, Misha’s scent lingered on the fabric. Joni kept staring at the door and listened to the quiet noises from downstairs. What could be so important on a Sunday morning to get up at seven? Other than getting away from him? Did Misha regret last night? Did the man think badly of him for acting so… sluttily? Or was he getting annoyed by being woken up by his constant nightmares? Joni bit his lower lip feeling his stomach turn with worry and self-doubts. Was Misha disappointed in him perhaps?
Joni felt disappointed in himself at least, it hadn’t gone at all the way he had wanted. The nightmares bothered him, he worried about Chris and the trial and the possibility that something was wrong with him, why hadn’t he been able to reach his orgasm? What had stopped him? Misha had done everything right after all and… Joni felt frustrated, what if he couldn’t enjoy sex anymore? And If he couldn’t enjoy it, then… Misha wouldn’t want him, no one would and he’d have to spend the rest of his life alone. Perhaps there wouldn’t even be much of it left – Joni couldn’t keep the dark thought from entering his mind. They would let Chris go and then Chris would come and finish the job. What if Chris actually wanted him dead? Suddenly Joni felt sick thinking that they would let Chris go with just a warning , that he wouldn’t even be deported, just a pat on the head and they’d tell him not to do it again, but Chris would, he’d get a gun and… Joni groaned and sat up, feeling his pulse speeding up, his body trembling, what was wrong with him?
Chris would come and kill him, that’s how it would end; Chris would kill him for being such a slut. Joni tried to calm down, not understanding this sudden intense fear, this sense of doom and panic. He felt sore inside and just confused and lost and scared, like he had no control over anything and he needed that feeling of control back. Sex hadn’t worked. What was there to do? He didn’t know, but being alone terrified him.
Joni sighed, ran his hand through his hair and tried to calm his uneasy mind. Chris was arrested and he wouldn’t be able to get to him even after his release. Joni had to believe in that, otherwise he would go mad worrying about it.
He couldn’t sleep; he felt the need to get some sort of assurance that everything was still fine between him and Misha. Joni got up carefully trying to ignore the soreness. After getting dressed Joni went downstairs quietly and with small steps. Misha was drinking coffee and reading the newspaper at the kitchen table.
“Hi,” Joni said softly and smiled when entering the room. The look on the blond’s face was surprised and he instantly got up at the sight of him.
“You should be sleeping, it’s early,” Misha said, holding his coffee cup between his hands.
“Why should my sleep be more important than yours?” Joni questioned tilting his head, approaching him carefully. “I don’t feel sleepy,” he added and smiled. When he was close enough, he kissed Misha’s cheek.
Misha cleared his throat, he felt uncomfortable. “How are you feeling?” He asked then and walked towards the coffee pot. “Want some?” He asked.
Joni nodded and sat down slowly. “I feel fine, and you?” He asked knowing full well what Misha was referring to, but he didn’t want to tell him that he felt somewhat sore in order not to worry the man unnecessarily.
“Good,” Misha nodded and handed Joni the coffee cup.
“Thanks,” Joni smiled reaching to touch Misha’s hand with affection. The man smiled, but Joni sensed the awkwardness.
“Are you hungry?” Misha asked walking away again towards the counter. “Perhaps some sandwiches?” He suggested. Joni tilted his head. Something was different, something was off and he didn’t like the feeling.
“I’m not really hungry,” he replied keeping his eyes on the blond.
“You should eat anyway,” Misha said without looking at him. The man started to fix the sandwiches and Joni got up slowly approaching him.
“I’m sorry I woke you again,” Joni said, touched Misha’s waist and kissed his neck softly. The blond startled slightly and took a step back.
“It’s alright, nightmares, perfectly reasonable…” Misha nodded glancing at him quickly.
“What’s wrong?” Joni asked. “You are acting strangely,” he took note and the man sighed, seemed to hesitate.
“Are you sure you feel alright, Joni?” Misha asked. “Come, you should be sitting down,” he added then and led him back to the table. Joni sat back down looking up to the man in confusion. “I’m sorry,” Misha said then. It was clear to Joni that the man was nervous.
“About what?” Joni asked watching as the blond again went back to prepare the sandwiches.
“Last night,” Misha replied quietly. “It shouldn’t have happened, I… I’m sorry, I hurt you and… I’m sorry.” For a moment Joni stared at the man silently.
“There is nothing for you to be sorry about, I wanted it just as much and I am fine,” He finally replied.
“No…” Misha shook his head. “You…” The man sighed. “I did something wrong, it was too soon and it’s obvious that you are not ready and I don’t want to pressure you… It’s wrong that you feel like… like you should have sex with me… I don’t want to make you feel that way. Last night was a mistake, I lost control and it can’t happen again…”
Joni felt his pulse speeding up. “Misha…” He started, but the man cut him off.
“I think it’s better if we are just friends for now, for your sake, you need time and we were rushing, it was my mistake to do so. I care for you, Joni, I-… I want to help you, I just don’t know if I can give you the help that you need.”
For a moment Joni simply stared at him trying to process what was being said. ‘I just don’t know if I can give you the help that you need.’ Misha’s voice rang in his ears and he blinked. They had slept together, he still felt the soreness left inside by Misha’s length and now… “So… you are breaking up with me for my sake?” He was finally able to ask in a hoarse voice, sounding a lot calmer than he felt.
Misha sighed, shrugged his shoulders feeling somewhat lost and confused, it didn’t sound right when Joni said it out loud and he wasn’t sure anymore what the right thing was.
“Joni… I- I just think you need time. All of this is happening so fast, too fast, it must be confusing to you and last night…” Misha returned to making the sandwiches for Joni to give his nervous hands something to do.
Joni swallowed heavily, looked out of the window and shook his head; he felt the tears rising to his eyes. “Why don’t you just tell me the truth? Instead of making this about me…”
“Joni… I’m… I’m just trying to do what’s best for you… I care for you, you know I do. I- It was too soon and I couldn’t control myself, perhaps I just can’t with you and…”
“Do what’s best for me?” Joni questioned feeling more and more upset with each passing second. He turned his face back towards the blond. “Stop putting words in my mouth Misha! Stop speaking for me as if you know better than me what I feel or need! Bullshit! Why don’t you just say it how it is?! Why don’t you say that YOU don’t want to be with me because it’s all so fucking complicated! Because I was raped by my ex and because he is in jail, because you are afraid! Because you can’t look at me or be with me or fucking touch me with out remembering that I was RAPED!”
“Joni! That’s not what I am saying!”
“But it is what you mean! Admit it! It hurts your fucking ego that I couldn’t get off last night, because you need to feel like the big fucking king who can do everything, control everything! And you can’t! Not with me! And don’t you dare make decisions for me and talk about how I should feel!” Joni trembled all over, he couldn’t silence himself now, he was just too upset and everything seemed to burst. He couldn’t seem to control his own mouth or the words that came out of it. The pain that he had bottled up inside him wanted some sort of release and a target. He was crying and Misha’s eyes were watering as well. The man wanted to cut in but Joni didn’t give him the chance. “This is about you, about your perfect life and control; there are things you can’t control! I am one of them and I do have a mind of my own and I fucking don’t need this shit from you!”
“Joni, please, just hear me out, this isn’t what I meant to happen… I simply think it’s best if we…”
“…If we are not close, like we were last night.” Joni finished for him. “Fine, your choice, I give up. Let’s be friends and forget everything else, I wouldn’t want to mess up your perfectly ordered life with such unpleasantness that unfortunately I carry with me!”
“Joni, now you are being childish and you are not listening!” Misha argued feeling frustrated.
“I am listening, I hear you just fine,” Joni replied in a somewhat defeated tone. “I need someone who doesn’t freak out, who doesn’t make the decisions for me. I need someone who I can count on and I see now that I can’t count on you. You make me feel insecure, I always have to try and guess what you feel for me and … I’m just tired Misha, you know how I feel for you and… Fuck!… If you can’t be by my side for this then don’t be!”
Misha felt even worse, he saw his mistake now and wanted to fix it without knowing how. “Joni…” He said in a hoarse voice approaching the youth, attempting to hold him.
“Don’t! Don’t touch me!” Joni hissed and backed away. “It’s obviously best if I go!”
“Joni! For God’s sake!” Misha silently cursed. “Don’t be such a stubborn brat and hear me out!”
Joni didn’t say anything, just headed back upstairs. “Joni!” Misha followed him.
“Leave me alone, Misha! You’ve said it all and I don’t need to hear anything else!” Joni hissed. “And do not touch me!” He added when Misha tried to reach for his hand.
The door to Dima’s room banged close in front of Misha’s face. The blond breathed tensely, feeling upset and annoyed. This wasn’t supposed to happen! Why did Joni have to be so stubborn? Hesitating a moment, Misha decided to knock. “Joni, listen to me. Don’t be ridiculous, open this door and talk to me! You are getting it all wrong!”
“I’m through with talking, you Russian asshole!” Came the angry reply, which made Misha’s control snap. ‘Russian asshole?!’ His mind was screaming; what gave the brat the right to call him that after everything that Misha had done for him? That brat could be such a drama king!
“Fine! If you want to be such a stubborn brat then be my quest!” He yelled and headed back to his own room, feeling utterly upset with the whole situation that had completely exploded out of control. Joni needed to calm down so they could have a sensible, grown up conversation, yes, that was what they needed.
Joni sat on Dima’s bed staring at the door, his lower lip trembled, he felt scared and alone. He felt hurt by Misha’s words, by the fact that everything had backfired. Misha didn’t want to be with him, just like he had feared, it felt bad that the man had first given him hope and now took it back. Didn’t the asshole realise that he loved him? Misha wasn’t an asshole, not really, not like Chris was… Misha was too good; the man could have anyone, why should he want him? Joni wondered, wiping his eyes, he had no right to ask Misha to be with him after Chris had… tainted him.
What was the point? Joni wondered, there was no point… He couldn’t stay in the house now, it was too hurtful, and after the rejection it would feel weird to stay. Slowly Joni got up, started gathering his things together. His mood shifted between anger and hurt, between understanding Misha and thinking he was an asshole for doing this to him. He felt utterly confused and lost, but most of all it just hurt. Joni didn’t want to think, there was too much still to be faced, how could he have the energy to go through it?
After packing his things Joni opened the door and headed downstairs. Misha, who heard the sounds of his footsteps stepped out of his own room and followed.
“Joni? What are you doing?”
“What does it look like?” The brunet asked flatly. “I’m leaving, I’m going home.”
“Don’t leave like this, we need to talk,” Misha tried to reason, following him into the hall where Joni stopped to put his shoes on.
“What is there to talk?” Joni asked looking at him. “You already said what you wanted, you want us to be friends, just friends, fine, just don’t expect me to stay here, it’s too painful.”
“Joni…” Misha said in miserable tone, the whole thing had gone completely wrong, he hadn’t wanted to hurt Joni, it was the last thing he had wanted and now he had! He wanted Joni! He cared for Joni, he didn’t want him to leave, not like this. “Don’t go.” He asked.
“I can’t stay here anymore, can’t you fucking understand it, you idiot!?” Joni screamed in frustration and hurt and shook Misha’s hand off when the man tried to stop him from taking his bags.
“Can’t you just listen to me! Can’t you have a grownup conversation instead of running off like some…”
“Like some brat?!” Joni screamed back. “Yeah maybe I am so fucking immature that I can’t! It was a mistake to come here; I’ll pay you for your troubles once I get home. Good bye, Misha,” Joni reached for the door.
“Joni!” Misha called after him, following to the front porch, Joni quickly threw his bag in his trunk before sitting down on the driver’s seat. “Joni! Just hear me out!” Misha tried, but it was too late. All he could do was to stand there and watch as the brunet drove off wondering how everything could have gone so wrong, so fast. Misha didn’t know how to fix this, his head started to ache and he really didn’t want to start explaining all this to Ivo, who had yet to return from his date…
A/N: Please review , either on shout box or the questbook where the review link leads to, it won’t take much of your time, but would mean a great deal to me! Reviews are the fuel to writing 🙂
Web published: November 4th, 2010.
My Secret Shore