“I want it, again…” The brunet whispered climbing over his lap.
“Again? Eager, huh?” He asked sliding his hands over the firm buttocks and squeezing them. “I love you like this, so horny and ready…” He added, flipping the younger man down beneath him before kissing him with need. “Well, I want to give it to you…” He nippled at the other’s lower lip pulling slightly. “I want to fuck you over and over, give it to you hard… you want that? Want me to shove it in and fuck you raw?”
“Yeah…Chris, please… give it to me… I want it…” His lover begged and made him smirk. He spread his lover’s legs, grinding against him, hard and ready to fuck.
“I want to tie you up, Joni… I want to tie you up and fuck you all night…”
The voice was cut off with a loud bang; Chris groaned, opened his eyes and found himself in his lonely sell, frustrated and terribly horny, annoyed to be woken from such a pleasant dream!
”You have a visitor, Hanratty,” The guard informed with cold tone of voice after opening the door. “Move your ass.” Chris lifted his brow with a small smirk rising on his features; this man obviously disliked him, while other guards acted more neutral towards him. He got up deliberately slow, glad that his arousal wasn’t visible anymore. Chris felt hopeful that his visitor would be Joni, who would have realised his own good by now and pretty soon they could make his dream into reality.
He followed the guard to the visiting room and sat down to wait. He couldn’t help but to think of sex since he had never been so long without it as he had now. The idea of tying Joni down started to excite him ever more and this time, when they would be back together and in Canada, he would be sure to try it.
When Asko stepped in instead of Joni, Chris’ face fell. He suddenly felt nervous, his palms started to sweat and he straightened on his chair. He knew that this was a bad sign, Joni had gone crying to his daddy. Asko sat down opposite from him, stern look over his features, such hatred in his eyes that Chris had never seen before. Chris had always liked Asko, he had wanted the man to like him as well, in some strange way he had even felt slightly jealous for Joni to have such a great parent, a fact that his boyfriend hadn’t really appreciated in proper way. There were lots of things Joni didn’t know how to appreciate and it had annoyed him, making him want to ‘educate’ him
Asko lifted his brow as he brought the phone to his ear waiting for him to do the same. Chris swallowed and reached for the receiver unsure what to expect.
For a moment they were both quiet, Asko was eyeing him with disgust clear in his eyes, his breathing was tense.
“You understand why I’ve come?” He asked finally. Chris shrugged and smiled little tensely.
“I can guess,” he replied as calmly as he could.
“It’s so difficult for me to even look at you,” Asko said and took a deep breath. “I warned you once not to hurt my son and you broke your word… You deceived all of us and I can never forgive you for what you did.” Chris gritted his teeth, his gaze hardening. “You will never come near my son again, do you understand?”
Chris was quiet, didn’t like to be told what to do, and didn’t like to be talked to like this. He smiled crookedly, but didn’t answer. “You will also give every single photograph back that you used to blackmail my son with.” Asko added.
“The cops already took the pictures. You might want to check from them in case one of them kept any,” Chris finally answered and smiled. “Your son sure knows how to pose to turn another man on.” He knew now that he had lost the game with Joni’s dad, he wouldn’t gain back his good opinion so it didn’t matter what he said, not anymore. Asko narrowed his eyes, feeling his anger grow.
“Now listen to me you asshole, you tell the truth for once; do you have more copies of the pictures or not?”
“They are not in my possession at the moment, no.” Chris replied vaguely and shrugged.
“Have you given them someone? Have you posted them anywhere?”
“Come on, don’t fool yourself, your son is no daddy’s little angel, surely I’m not the only one he’s posed nude for. Cops took the pictures like I said, are there copies? Who knows,” Chris shrugged and again he smiled. “Joni’s not as innocent as you like to think. He’s careless and promiscuous, I tried to be good to him, but it wasn’t enough. Joni broke my heart with cheating, how can I forget? He will let that new man down as well, mark my words.”
Asko found himself trembling from anger, Chris was lucky that there was that wall between them. “If you don’t leave my son alone, I can assure you that you will regret it, do you understand? Don’t underestimate me.”
Chris looked at him seriously for a moment before he smiled. “I’m sorry it had to go like this. It’s easy to point your finger solely on me and forget your son’s faults; I’m not the only one to be blamed for what happened. I still love him though, whether you believe me or not and thus I can’t forget him. I am however wiling to forgive him if he forgives me.”
Asko stared at the man in disbelief, was he insane? “Just stay away from Joni, never contact him again; it’s over between you two. You will regret it if you don’t listen.”
Chris tilted his head, didn’t answer, simply watched as Joni’s father got up and left. He felt annoyed more than anything, it was all going wrong; they had no business to try threatening him this way, no right to tell him what to do. He should have guessed that Joni would go crying to daddy, of course everyone believed Joni was completely innocent to everything; well he wasn’t and Chris refused to let the matter be.
He could hear the laughter echoing to the hall and the sound made him smile, he loved coming home to that. Removing his jacket and shoes he made his way into the living room and stood at the doorway, for awhile content with just observing his small family, his beautiful wife and son playing with Joni’s toy cars, seated on the floor close to one another.
“Daddy!” The boy shrieked when seeing him. Quickly the child jumped up from the floor and rushed towards him. Asko knelled and reached for him.
“Hi there my little monkey, did you have a nice day at the kindergarten?” He grinned and ruffled the boy’s hair.
“Mommy came to pick me up early and we went to the zoo and I got a teddy lollipop and a new toy! Do you want to see them daddy?”
“Of course I do, where are they?”
“I go and get them!” The boy nodded and rushed towards his room. Asko looked at his wife, tilting his head.
“Weren’t you at work?” He asked with confusion. Marianna started collecting Joni’s cars into the toy basket avoiding his gaze.
“I told them at the kindergarten that I will keep Joni home with me for few weeks. I want to throw him a big birthday party and invite everyone,” she explained smiling and got up. “If the weather is good we can party in the garden. Can you imagine he’s already turning 5? The time sure flies fast, doesn’t it?” She walked to the window looking outside, arms grossed against her chest.
“But… I thought you didn’t have holiday, you just started at the new place,” Asko frowned. Marianna glanced at him.
“I quit, I hated it there anyway… All that gossiping, too many women, they were mean to me and… I want to spend time with my son while I can; he grows up so fast…” He could hear the sadness behind her tone and though she smiled, her eyes were glimmering from tears she obviously tried to fight against.
“Marianna…?” He was cut off by Joni who rushed back downstairs.
“Look daddy, a lion!” The boy held up his new soft toy for him to see. “Rawr!” He added pushing it towards him with a giggle when Asko jumped back.
“Oh no! The lion is going to eat me!” He went along and ran while Joni chased him with the toy. He hid behind the chair and Joni sneaked from the other side jumping on top of him and tickling him, they both laughed and Marianna watched them from the side smiling with sadness behind her gaze.
When Joni had gone to bed later, Asko again approached his wife, who sat in the living room gazing outside, a glass of wine in her hands.
“Something is wrong, what is it?” He asked with concern. Marianna had often changed jobs always complaining how the other women didn’t like her, but still usually she talked about it before quitting and usually she had a backup plan for another job. He sat down next to her and Marianna turned to face him. She reached for his hand, smiled sadly while gazing down at their joined fingers. Asko began to worry.
“I’m sick,” she whispered then, making him frown. She had complained nausea and headaches lately, Asko had felt hopeful that it was a sign of her being pregnant again and encouraged her to see a doctor, which she had considered unnecessary.
“Sick?” He asked, already fearful to hear more. Marianna brought her gaze up looking in his eyes and nodded.
“It’s cancer.” She said and for awhile Asko just stared at her, not really wanting to let the words sink in.
“Cancer,” he repeated then. “Breast cancer?” He asked since it was the only that came to his mind and which he considered easily beatable. “We will get it treated then,” he nodded. “And don’t worry about anything darling,” he smiled touching her cheek. “I love you, you know that and we will beat this. What happens next? They will start the treatments straight away right? When is the operation for the remove of the tumour?”
Marianna was quiet; she took another sip of her wine glass before settling it down on the table. “It’s not breast cancer”, she said. “I probably shouldn’t even be drinking, but… What does it matter any more?” She let out a strange sounding laughter, bringing her hand over her mouth. Asko gazed at her feeling confused and most of all worried, she sighed, shook her head and smiled. “It’s in my brains, located at such a place that it can not be removed,” she took a small pause, gazing towards her glass. “They figure I have few months left, few months to arrange everything,” Marianna sounded surprisingly calm which made it difficult for Asko to really understand the situation.
“Few months? What are you saying? There are treatments…” His voice started breaking and he didn’t want to accept what his wife tried to tell him. “I don’t care the cost, if we can’t find proper treatment here; we’ll find it in some other country.”
“Sweetheart,” Marianna whispered moving closer to him to kiss his cheek, gently she stroked his hair watching him sadly. “This is a battle you can’t win, that I can’t win and you have to accept it.”
“Don’t you say that, don’t you give up! We can win this just don’t give up…” He held his hands on her shoulders looking at her with mixed plead, anger and sadness. Marianna frowned.
“I wouldn’t want to leave you, of course I wouldn’t! But there is nothing that can be done, don’t make it harder for me than it already is! I am trying my best to accept it, I’m dying Asko and we need to discuss things, arrange everything while I am still well enough to do so.” She got up then, taking a deep breath and brushing her clothes, ignoring her husbands miserable look, she couldn’t look at him, knowing that if she did, she would break down as well and she needed to be strong and brave now. “I want to spend time with Joni, I don’t want to tell him yet, give me these few weeks, I’m sure he wouldn’t even understand it anyway, he’s so small still and… I just want to enjoy this remaining time that I have, I don’t want you to look sad either… I know you’ll do fine, if you can take some time off from work I’d appreciate it, you know spend time as a family before I have to go. And Joni’s birthday party, I want it to be big and happy with all our family and friends, I don’t want them to know it either yet, it would just spoil the mood. We’ll tell them after, okay?”
As she continued talking, making it sound almost as if she was only going for a long travel, Asko could just sat still trying to make some sense out of a situation that… didn’t make any sense. She was only 27, how could she be dying? How could she leave him?
Joni’s behaviour was similar to his mothers, trying to be brave until the pressure got too strong to carry alone. Marianna hadn’t told about suspecting that something was seriously wrong with her health, she had hid it, went to the doctor on her own and only after getting the results had she told him. The early weeks Marianna had behaved as if there were no dark clouds to be seen; only when the illness started to take a stronger hold, when it weakened her and when she wasn’t able to continue the normal routines, she broke down crying for her fear to die. There was s short phase of her not wanting to accept her early death, followed by another wave of calmness and then the final acceptance. Asko had never been able to accept it like she had, it seemed too sudden and too early, one moment she had been there and second there he had been; a 25 year old single parent with a five year old, both mourning for the loss of a beloved wife and mother.
He had survived from his grief because of Joni, because of him, he had forced himself out of his bed each morning, he had forced himself to carry on living and slowly which each day, week and month that passed, it became easier to do so. He saw so much of Marianna in Joni; she was in his eyes, his smile and laughter. Marianna’s last sensible words had been the request to give Joni a happy childhood and take good care of him, protect him and Asko had. Perhaps he had over did it at times, he hadn’t been able to stop himself from spoiling Joni, perhaps yielding too often to fulfil the child’s desires and on the other hand trying to prevent any danger that might lurk him. Joni had been his whole world and his grief had made it difficult to let another woman close enough to touch his heart. Katja had succeeded by being persistent, understanding and caring. On her death bed, Marianna had also said he would remarry, that she wanted him to do so, but to make sure that the woman would be good enough; someone who could provide love for their son as well. He was sure now more than ever, that Marianna would have accepted Katja completely.
Asko hadn’t been happy when Joni had at 15 gotten home one day, telling him about being spotted by some modelling agency that wanted to add him on their list. Joni had needed his approval and at first he hadn’t wanted to give it, worried of the people in the modelling business and of his son’s youth and ignorance of the possible dangers. But by that time Joni had already known what strings to pull, he had argued, moped and pleaded and finally gotten him to sign the permission form. He had suspected that Joni was gay, even before getting the final confirm to his suspicion by witnessing a kiss between his son and a boy year older than him. It wasn’t that Joni would have behaved girly that caused his suspicion, it was rather that he never showed any interest to girls and seemed to rather look at other males, perhaps it had also been the boys obsession to fashion and appearance, though of course many teenagers were regardless of their sexual preference.
In the end the fact that Joni was gay didn’t matter, he loved him just the same, though at times still hoping that he would have been straight. The only reason for his hope was the simple, perhaps old fashioned thought of girls being gentler and thus less likely to provide any serious harm. What Chris had done, was what he had always feared might happen, it had just managed to surprise him completely that it happened in the hands of someone that they all had learned to trust, it made the crime even worse in his eyes.
It wasn’t alright, Chris needed to pay and his biggest fear now was that they would let the man go too easily. Chris seemed obsessed, the danger wasn’t over and the man needed to get it into his head that he needed to leave Joni alone for good. For these reasons Asko was prepared to almost anything, it wasn’t legal, but he didn’t care anymore. He wanted that Chris got the taste of his own medicine, he wanted someone to beat him up, and surely that would make the man understand his point? –To stay away from his son or worse would follow.
Asko found himself standing at the doorway to the living room, memories playing in his mind as he watched all his four children and Misha seated on the floor playing some board game. They were laughing and having fun, Joni seemed to be at ease and the blond next to him kept stealing adoring glances of him. Asko hoped it could stay like this, hoped that there would be away to chase the dark clouds away completely, let his son simply enjoy his youth and the new and better relationship.
Joni was the first to sense his presence and turned his face to him smiling. “Hi dad, when did you come home? We didn’t hear you.”
“Just a moment ago,” he replied and smiled back to his eldest. He walked closer and sat down on the near by armchair. “Where’s Katja?”
“I’m here in the kitchen!” He heard his wife answer. “Dinner should be ready in half an hour, I hope you’re not terribly hungry yet?” She added.
“I’m fine, I think I won’t die of hunger in half an hour.” Asko joked smiling lazily to himself. The children continued playing with Joni and Misha and Asko sat on his place watching. At times he noticed the blond observing him worriedly, knowing his plans of visiting Chris that day which was kept secret from Joni. Misha was obviously anxious to find out what Chris had said, but he would have to wait finding out.
Later after dinner Joni and Misha went upstairs into Joni’s room. “Would you like to watch some movie?” Joni asked closing the door after him and Misha nodded absentmindedly hands in his pockets and gazing out. Joni frowned; Misha had seemed oddly quiet the whole evening. “What would you like to watch?” He asked and the older man shrugged.
“Anything is fine…” Misha replied and took a seat down on the bed seeming to be lost in his thoughts.
“Mary Poppins?” Joni suggested just to see if Misha listened and the blond nodded.
“Yeah,” he replied, resting his chin on his arms. Joni rolled his eyes.
“You seriously think I would want to watch that?”
“What?” Misha asked and brought his gaze up to him.
“Okay, what’s wrong with you?” Joni asked.
“Nothing, just choose the film. I feel a little thirsty, I’ll get us some soda, okay?” Misha smiled and got up, not waiting for an answer the blond left the room. Joni looked after him feeling confused, something was up with Misha and he didn’t know what. For a moment Joni considered actually getting some silly cartoon or children’s DVD from his sister’s room just to see if Misha would comment on his peculiar choice. In the end he however chose not to and decided on watching Rat race, a comedy that was sure to make him laugh.
He set everything ready and waited, just as he thought Misha was taking too long with the soda and was about to go and see what was taking him, the blonds cell phone started to ring over the table where he had left it. Feeling curious, Joni decided to just take a glance of who the caller was; Rauno. Sounded like some old guys name, could it be someone from Misha’s work? He wondered and decided to leave it. The caller seemed persistent however and after letting it ring for several times, he called again. The ring tone was also different than Misha’s usual; this tone was so annoying that Joni finally decided to answer.
“Misha’s phone, Joni speaking.”
“Oh… Hi… eh… Is Misha there?” The confused yet oddly youthful voice asked.
“No, not at the moment, he should be back soon though, is it something urgent?” Joni asked and sat on his bed.
“Well…er…” There was a long pause and Joni heard some whispers and music from the background. He waited for a proper answer and rolled his eyes, was this guy some idiot?
“Who are you again?” The voice asked.
“Misha’s boyfriend.” And again there where whispers on the background, he distantly heard his own name being mentioned to someone and also; Misha’s new boyfriend followed by another long pause.
“Just tell him to call back to me!” The other snapped and hung up. Joni blinked and put the cell phone away, Misha had idiotic friends obviously. He took a magazine and laid down on his bed to read and wait for Misha’s return.
Misha entered the room with two glasses of coke after talking to Asko. The man had told him about the meeting with Chris and how unstable and obsessed he considered Joni’s ex to be. They both agreed that something needed to be done and that proceeding to locate Joni’s cousin was the best alternative for now.
Joni lay on his bed over his stomach and glanced at him from over his shoulder.
“Some guy called Rauno called, asked you to call back. I only answered because the ring tone was so annoying.” Misha cursed silently, walked closer and set the glasses on the table. “Rauno, it sounds like some old guy’s name, but his voice sounded young,” Joni continued lifting a questioning brow before slowly sitting up. “He also didn’t seem too happy when I said I’m your boyfriend. Who is he?”
“He’s my ex,” Misha replied sighing heavily and looking back at Joni who frowned. Why the hell had Misha given his ex a special ring tone? Did they call each other a lot? Did they see each other often? Did Misha miss his ex?
“I see…” Joni replied with slightly cold tone. “Well he wants you to call him, so call now; I don’t want him to interrupt when we’re watching the movie.” He tried his best to swallow the jealousy and insecurity he felt. Could he blame Misha if he longed after his ex who probably would jump at the chance to have mad and passionate sex with him? Joni felt upset at the thought and at the same time he didn’t want to start bitching and accusing for the fear that he would sound like Chris.
Misha observed Joni, who kept flipping through the pages of the magazine so fast that he couldn’t possibly be reading them. The expression on the brunets face told a lot and Misha sighed. “He calls me sometimes, usually when he’s drunk. I’m the one who left him and I have never regretted that decision, okay?” Misha still kept his eyes on Joni who brought his gaze up and nodded.
“Okay, I believe you. Just call him, its fine,” he assured.
“I don’t need to call him; I have nothing to say to him and he can’t have anything new to say to me either.” Misha said then, took his phone and set it on silent tone. “There, problem solved, no interruptions,” he smiled and got onto the bed next to Joni. “What movie did you choose?” He asked kissing Joni’s earlobe softly.
“Rat race…” Joni answered taking the remote control and pressing play. Deep down he couldn’t help to wonder if Misha simply didn’t want to speak with his ex in front of him and rather waited for a private moment.
Misha lay behind him on the bed, arm wrapped around him and Joni tried his best to relax and enjoy the movie, not be bothered of Misha’s ex and… everything. Misha kissed his neck, his finger caressed his cheekbone tenderly and Joni felt his warmth radiating against him. They still weren’t having sex and though Misha had assured that waiting was no issue to him, Joni couldn’t help but to wonder if he really meant it.
Slowly he turned to lie on his back, looking up at the blonde and bringing his hand to touch his cheek. Misha leaned down to kiss him and the kiss was soft and tender, the blonde smiled looking at him and Joni pulled him closer, another kiss, the movie played in the background and Misha carefully leaned on top of him. Joni felt the weight settling over body, he felt his heart starting to beat up faster and faster, should he suggest it? Should he offer it? He wondered and at the same time felt slight panic gathering inside him. If he could have a drink or two first to relax, then… But, it wasn’t right; he shouldn’t feel the need to get drunk first in order to have sex. The pain of it scared him; pain was what he remembered from the times with Chris after his ex had gotten violent. He knew it would be different with Misha, but still the fear was there… They had only slept together three times and all of those times both of them had been drunk and now… Joni couldn’t shake the nervousness away, he wasn’t sure if he could make himself relax enough to… It would have helped if Misha wasn’t so… well endowed…. He felt frustrated most of all, he didn’t want to be like this, so confused and troubled, he would have wanted to enjoy sex like before, with clear conscious, but Chris had spoiled it.
“What’s wrong?” Misha asked when Joni’s response to his kisses started to lack enthusiasm. Joni looked up at him and Misha could read from his gaze the battle of emotions. He smiled gently and kissed his forehead carefully moving from on top of him by his side. “I think we should rewind a bit, huh?” He grinned, meaning both the movie and their progressing. Misha reached for the remote and as he flipped the scenes back to where they had still been paying attention, Joni observed him and wondered how long Misha would honestly be able to wait till Chris no longer would be filling his mind with whispers. When they settled back to watching Joni reached for Misha’s hand squeezing it and felt the blond squeezing him back. Joni didn’t want to lose him, but he could shake the worry away that the Russian would soon grow tired of him and would rather choose his ex, with whom at least the sex life could be normal.
Misha looked around, the sun was shining and the lake was crystal clear, green, deep green trees and grass, lazy summer afternoon. Joni was lying on the blanket that was laid upon the grass and he himself relaxed on the sunbathing chair next to him. The brunet looked up at him and smiled Misha smiled back admiring his lover’s half naked form, thinking he would prefer to see him naked. There were no words. Joni grinned and stood up, started walking towards the cabin while looking behind his shoulder at him alluringly and Misha tilted his head, eyes following the others retreating back. There was something familiar and something off in the whole scene, something that made him feel oddly restless suddenly.
He looked around again and saw the car; he hadn’t seen the car there before and wondered how he had missed it. It was neither his or Joni’s and what was even more peculiar suddenly there was soft white snowflakes falling down, over the tip of his nose and stretched out hand. He looked at the car and remembered seeing it before and instantly he felt panic, hitting him like a wave, he hurriedly turned his face to the door that was just closing after Joni. He tried to scream, but no voice came out and as he tried to move, to run all his movements felt awkward and slow, like he couldn’t control his own body.
And then he heard Joni’s cry for help, screaming, calling out his name and Misha tried his best to reach to cabin, but his body refused to co-operate like it was supposed to, he stumbled over, again tried to scream but still found no voice and the cabin seemed to be too far and out of reach. Joni’s cries were loud and desperate, ringing in his ears and making him panic even more.
Finally he was able to reach the porch and the door, from the large window on it he could see inside. Chris was there, Joni trapped beneath him with his hands tied together and the other man moving above him, raping him. Misha tried to yank the door open, screaming in anger, fear and desperation. The door however didn’t move one inch no matter what, nor was he able to break the glass, he wasn’t able to get in. Chris saw him, looked straight at him, his hair loose and wild, smirking and his face seemed twisted like the devils. A knife, the man was holding a knife, raised his arm and swung it down stabbing Joni’s chest, there was blood and Misha screamed.
“Misha…” Joni’s voice, distant and concerned. “Misha,” closer and he felt the gentle touch over his chest. Misha opened his eyes, panting and feeling cold sweat over his skin, his heart was still racing, confusion and fear. He looked up to see Joni’s concerned face hovering over his and quickly Misha reached for the brunets hand giving it a tight squeeze feeling relieved to feel him there; it had only been a dream, such an ugly, nasty dream.
“It was just a nightmare,” Joni said in soft tone and kissed his forehead. “It’s okay,” he added stroking Misha’s damp hair. For once it was this way around; Joni thought to himself as Misha pulled him closer, holding him tightly against his chest while still trying to calm down. Joni felt the blond shivering slightly and he frowned when observing the others face, he had never seen Misha like this, so shaken as he was now. “What did you dream of?” He asked.
“Nothing…” Misha muttered and Joni sighed heavily.
“Well, it had to be something, come on… It helps to talk about it,” he encouraged continuing to stoke Misha’s hair. The blue eyes looked at him carefully. “Hey, I’ve told you of my dreams,” Joni tried to reason.
“The cabin… Chris… you… I couldn’t get to you…” Misha sighed without wanting to say he saw Joni’s death, he didn’t even want to think of it, he simply wanted to erase it from his consciousness. Joni leaned closer and kissed him.
“Well, I’m here; it was just a dream… “The brunet whispered. He had had the similar dreams as well; he knew how terrifying and real they sometimes felt. Misha pulled him to lie above himself and stole another kiss.
“Have you had other nightmares about it?” Joni asked carefully.
“Sometimes… Not like this… It was summer and all of a sudden it started snowing, I guess I should have realised from that it was a dream, huh?” Misha tried to joke.
“Dreams are weird; sometimes it’s just difficult to tell while in dream…”
“Yeah…” Misha agreed kissing Joni again, normally he probably would have felt aroused holding his lover like this, so close and half naked, but now he was simply too disturbed by the dream and what he had seen in it. He gently rolled them both on their sides and kissed the tip of Joni’s nose. “We should try getting back to sleep.”
“Yes, I can hold your hand so you won’t get scared again,” Joni grinned and made Misha smile.
“Good,” the blond whispered. Joni obviously enjoyed his new role of being the comforter and well… it was cute to Misha.
The first time visiting the therapist was the most nerve wracking. Joni didn’t want people to know that he was seeing a shrink, worrying that they might think that he had actually gone crazy. He was also too afraid to drive now, worried of another accident or another panic attack, so he had to relay on either his father or Misha to drive him to places, they didn’t seem to mind, but still it made him feel embarrassed.
The therapist was a 47 year old woman with years of experience. The office was quite comfortable, cosy even; different from what he had imagined it to be. In his mind Joni had pictured that he would have to lie down on some sort of couch, like they did in some movies he’d seen, but instead he found himself sitting on a fairly comfortable armchair, holding a cup of coffee in his hands that had been offered to him, there was even a plate of cookies on the table next to him and Joni wondered if it was some secret mental test, not knowing what the correct way to behave with the cookies was, he decided to leave them untouched.
The woman; Pauliina Pelkonen had shoulder length red hair and glasses, she obviously wasn’t much into fashion and in the first minutes in her office Joni had already observed her appearance and decided that she too could use a proper makeover, yet another one who might profit from getting Jami’s number and perhaps, if she was good enough in her job Joni could provide her some fashion tips later.
She spoke with a calming voice at first just inquiring about regular stuff, she talked of the weather for example and Joni wondered if this was really worth paying anything, he could talk about the weather or education with anyone, right? But he responded and slowly started to relax from wondering about every meaning and possible hidden tests of the woman trying to catch him from being completely mad and then tell some white coated men to take him away.
And after getting him to relax, did she bring up the real subject; Chris. Joni felt uncomfortable again, his coffee was already cold and he kept spinning the spoon inside the mug. She asked him to tell her about their relationship and he told about it in a nutshell, he told the basics, how long they had been together, the jealousy and finally about the first ‘incident’ naming it just that; an incident.
“The first time he was violent to you?” The woman asked and Joni nodded. “Was it sexual as well?” Joni couldn’t look at her but nodded just the same. They only scratched the surface on the first meeting.
Misha was there to pick him up, waiting for him outside the office and smiling at the sight of him. “How did it go?” He asked while they were walking towards his car. Joni shrugged.
“She didn’t declare me mad, at least not yet,” he answered and Misha chuckled softly gently ruffling his hair.
“Lots of people go talking to a therapist without being mad,” the blond grinned and walked over to the driver’s side of the car. “There is no reason to be embarrassed,” he added while opening the door. Joni sat down on the passenger seat observing Misha who was starting the engine.
“Would you go?” He asked and Misha gave him a confused glance.
“To a therapist?” He asked and Joni nodded. “I have no reason to; you have a very good reason.” He answered and the brunet frowned.
“You have nightmares almost every night now, I know from sleeping next to you… Chris threatened you as well; you were in danger as well, so why should my reason be greater than yours?”
Misha tensed up slightly, the nightmares were a sensitive subject to him because the represented something that could be a real threat in the future while Chris was in the world. “Because I wasn’t the one who was raped and beaten by that lunatic,” he snapped suddenly, without meaning to sound do blunt or harsh. He glanced at Joni who was eyeing him looking both upset and annoyed. “Hey, I’m sorry… I just… I didn’t mean to say it like that, forgive me?” Joni was quiet and looking out of the window. “Are you going to give me a silent treatment now?” Misha sighed and Joni merely gave him a quick glare before bringing his gaze back to the window. “I’m sorry, but it is true.” Misha glanced at him again. “Look, I- I wish I knew how to… It’s difficult for me as well, half of the time I don’t know what’s going through in your head and it’s a subject I just don’t know how to approach properly.”
“You’re just upset that we’re not having sex,” Joni muttered. “No one is forcing you to be with me and I know your ex has been calling you more than that one time. You are a free man Misha, go and spread your seed if you will, you can just drop me off at home before you go.”
“Oh for gods sake,” Misha sighed rolling his eyes.
“It’s true, I know there are many who’d be dying to sit here on my place, many free of the issues I have…” Joni nodded. “And I don’t want you to be with me out of some…stupid obligation.”
Misha felt a headache approaching. “Gods you can be difficult at times,” he sighed and Joni glanced at him frowning. “Get it to your head Joni, I am not with you out of some stupid obligation, but because I fucking love you, okay? And yes my ex might have been calling me, but no I have no desire to go to him or to go spreading my seed all over town!” With one hand one the wheel and other making dramatic gestures in the air Joni suddenly felt amused watching the blond. “And so now you are laughing at me?” Misha asked, raising his brow while glancing at him again. Joni brought his hand on Misha’s thigh and smiled slightly while looking down.
“I’m sorry…” He whispered.
“What? I didn’t quite hear you?” Misha teased feeling more relaxed now.
“I’m sorry,” Joni repeated with clearer voice. “You know that I- feel the same way about you and I- sometimes I just worry…” He shrugged.
“Stop worrying.” Misha said and touched his hand gently.
“Why does your ex have his own special ring tone then?” Joni decided to ask then since it had been bothering him quite a bit. Misha glanced at him looking more or less amused.
“Special?” He asked. “Special in being so annoying, that I instantly know I don’t need to answer.”
“Oh?” Joni smiled now. “I’m relieved, I worried you liked that tone,” he grinned then and the blond grinned back. “He calls because he would want to have sex with you?” Joni asked with more serious tone. Misha nodded. “Are you ever tempted?”
“No,” Misha replied quite fast which pleased Joni. “My ex would have wanted to try threesomes or moresomes, plus some other weird stuff that I’m not in to. I won’t lie, I have tried a threesome once when I was younger, and I didn’t like it. I won’t say it was bad, but it made me feel weird, it was better on an imaginary level. Many things are better left for imagination. I rather focus on jut one person in real life.” Again the blond glanced at Joni quickly. “I know things are complicated right now, but I know where I want to be and that is next to you. Okay? And I don’t mind waiting, because I know how great it can be between us, so like I said; stop worrying, you mean a great deal to me.” Joni smiled feeling better.
“Like wise,” he whispered.
“And if you must know, you have a special ring tone as well and that is one of my favourite songs.”
“Really?” Joni asked curiously. “What is it?”
“Scorpions… Send me an angel.” Misha answered smiling slightly to himself.
“Who knew you could be so cheesy?” Joni grinned, hesitated for awhile and reached to touch the blonds arm; he gave a small squeeze, staring at the road ahead of them and smiled. “I know I want to be here as well, with you, always,” he whispered and lowered his hand down on his lap.
“I like that part; always,” Misha confessed smiling to himself and Joni again glanced at him feeling more secure about the future, more secure about Misha. The blond had already seen him at his worst and still after everything was willing to stick by him, not many would be willing to do the same and Joni knew that, so at least for that he could consider himself lucky.
A/N: Please review , either on shout box or the questbook where the review link leads to, it won’t take much of your time, but would mean a great deal to me! Reviews are the fuel to writing 🙂
Web published: May 22th, 2011.
My Secret Shore