14th of January 1943
My dear Elias,
I saw a dream of you, again. It was summer, oh how I wish it was summer now. I saw you, you stood by our tree, do you remember our tree? The place where you said you’d build a house for us when we’re grown? Of course, of course you must remember…
I almost felt the warmth, you were smiling, you have such a beautiful smile, did I ever tell you that before? I wish I had a newer picture of you, it’s been so long and we’ve both grown. But I must settle for my imagination, I must settle for the dreams, not a single night goes by without you in my dreams somehow.
My dreams, however, have began to scare me, do you remember when I told you that I had a dream of my father dying? Or my aunt giving a birth?
I almost dread to write this, but I feel I must.
In my dream I saw you, like I already described, but you began to walk away, deeper and deeper into the woods and in haze I followed, calling your name, asking you to stop, but you didn’t. Then it was the wind that turned, the sun dissapeared with the warmth, I found myself shivering even in dream. In fear I called your name and finally your turned to me, but your eyes… your eyes were filled with such sadness and you pointed towards the sky; black raven’s, their noise filled the air, and…they made the sky almost black. You only looked at me once before you started to ran away, I couldn’t keep up and you didn’t stop… you simply disappeared, and I woke.
Elias, I fear. I have not heard from you in months, no letters that I sent are reaching you, they simply return and yet… Here I am writing them. Do not disappear from me… I fear it would be too much to take, my heart can not bear it. I love you.
Would it scare you? To hear me say that now that we’re older? Does your heart still feel the same? Do you cary the same dreams? I’m asking these questions constantly and it torments me to know that I can not have the answer. Where are you? If only there would be a sign, any sign to tell me that you’re alive and safe. No news, nothing, it’s driving to the edge of my sanity, I feel it.
I pray for a miracle, I pray for the war to end, I pray that the peace shall bring you back to me.
There’s so many things I wish to say to speak with you about, I know only you could understand me. Outside the sun shining, beautiful January morning, my friends are to call on me later, to go ice skating, I could not care less. How can I be cheerful? How can I play games? My heart is with you, my heart is at home and I can not find joy for as long as things are the way they are there. If I were older, I’d return, I want to help and I feel such frustration that I can not.
I think of you, all the time.
Do you remember that one day at the forest? When we walked too far and you crossed the boarder line? Our parents had told us not to and I was so scared that we’d get caught, that someone would see us and take us to prison, you took your time, picking flowers for me. And then you teased me, you made me believe that someone was getting closer and we ran, I was sure we’d get killed that day. We fell on the ground, you laughed and told it was only a Russian moose you saw. You kissed me, I remember that the best; you kissed me, straight on my lips.
On our way home, we met with an old gypsy woman. She read our hands and I can’t forget what she told you, the words repeat themselves in my mind like a dark spell that I wish to break. ’I see a young life ending too soon, I see darkness and pain.’ Surely she was not right, but I was scared then and I’m scared now. I also remember what you told me, that our fates are not written in the stars, you told me not to worry, if only I could hear you tell me that now.
I’m dreaming of the day when I can show you all these silly letters that I’ve written and we can both laugh at them. I miss you, and I send you my love, be safe
yours forever Emma