I shouldn’t get involved, not like this. The boy is awake; I look down at the blond hair, imagining how it would feel to touch them, would it feel as soft as it looks? I close my eyes, reopen them and look around at the other sleeping men. Why? The boys breathing becomes uneven, he trembles, whimpers softly until I move to take a better look at him, he freezes.
My hand reaches to touch his cheek, caressing the smooth skin under my fingers.
‘’’I won’t hurt you, don’t be scared…’’’ I whisper, but draw my hand away, seeing that my touch nerves him. He opens his eyes, I had not been prepared for it, our eyes meet and I can hardly dare to breath. I’ve truly never seen such green eyes before. ‘’It will be alright, don’t fear….’’’ I whisper again, though I can’t be sure if it will be alright. Looking at the men around us, already starting to wake, I know they’ll want to hurt him again that way.
I feel torn, I do not want to be here, to be put in this position, I do not want to take a part of this and yet I have, just by taking him to sleep next to me, dressing him, helping him; I already got involved.
The others show more signs of awaking and Vladimir…he looks straight at me. I think he knows, he’s found out what I am… that I am like him… that I think of the same sins. We’ve talked, more than what I would have cared to, we’re the same age; 22, our family backgrounds are quite similar, I am an only child, so is he, he comes from a wealthy family, so do I and… this boy.. Lord help me! But I do feel desire; those dark demons inside of me are trying to lure me to take a taste of him, just one taste… But this is where Vladimir and I part in character, I still have my morals, I still respect another human being and I prefer my partners willing, I will not take pleasure in others pain.
He approaches, all the while looking at me, smirking as he crawls closer… and suddenly the boy wraps his arms around me,
“ole kiltti, ole kiltti auta minua,” he whispers with a language so unfamiliar to me, but the words he speaks and how he says them sound so desperate.
In my stunned state Vladimir manages to tear him away. He holds the boy close to his chest, keeping him and ignoring the weak struggle.
‘’Do you care of this slut, Volkov?’’’ He sneers, his lips almost caressing the boy’s skin.
‘’’Let him rest Sadova, let the poor boy rest,” I try, hating how weak I feel, I should not get involved. Vladimir moves his hands around the boy’s body, and the youth begins to cry. He then starts to lick his neck, and I… I feel paralyzed.
’’’Are you not tempted at all Alexander? Look at him, look how pretty he is. Wouldn’t you want to taste him? Make him suck you off? Fuck him in here…” Vladimir squeezes his butt hard, and the boy cries out in agony. ’’’He has such a lovely ass, and such a pretty mouth.’’’
‘’’Let him go. You’re sick. He’s just a boy.’’’ It would be tempting to just close my eyes and walk away, pretend that none of this ever happened, that the boy was never brought here, that I didn’t see it. It would be tempting, to wash my hands from this and continue as I have, day by day, aiming for one coal and one coal only; survive this war, get back home, marry the girl I was suppose to, have a family, be normal, hard worker like my father, just live this life, survive it.
’’’You amuse me Volkov. This boy is just a slut, just for fucking, why on earth you care of him?’’’
I grit my teeth’s, everyone is watching and Vladimir continues to touch the boy, his hands going under his clothes and soft scared whimpers fill the air around us. Oh how it makes their eyes glisten from lust, smelling the fear is like a drug to them, like a meal to the hungry beasts.
‘’’Don’t be stupid Vladimir. He just needs to be checked up by a doctor.’’’ I hiss at him.
’’’He can take this one first, my cock is so fucking hard right now, I need to cum, and he has just the mouth for the job.’’’ He sneers, and forces the boy down. He opens his own pants, and makes the boy take his cock into his mouth. The boy gags, drool is dripping down, his eyes close, and the tears fall down on his beautiful cheeks. Vladimir holds his hair tightly, tighter than it would be necessary, and he moans in ecstasy as he thrusts in deeper. Everyone is looking at this. I can see how they want this. I’m just so shocked that I can’t even move. I feel as my own eyes start watering, and I try to force my tears away. I shouldn’t get involved, but I have and I can’t look away.
Vladimir comes. He keeps his cock in his mouth forcing him to swallow his cum down.
’’’Swallow it all you stupid slut.’’’ Vladimir slaps his face and the boy looks like he is going to vomit, but manages to hold it in.
And It’s over, the boy gasping on the ground, Vladimir zipping himself up.
Before I have time to figure out what to do, Lieutenant stands up and walks closer, grasps the boy.
‘’’Now, what to do with you,’’’ he holds the boys chin, smirking, seeming to enjoy the power he has over him, then he looks around. ‘’’We will be exchanging camps shortly and I need a volunteer,’’’ again he looks at the crying boy ’’’a volunteer to take care of our prisoner.’’’
‘’’Sir, I can do that,’’’ I hear my voice answering, trying to beat the others before they can, Lieutenant looks at me with curiosity, ‘’’I want to do that, take…care… of him,’’’
‘’’Do you now?’’’ He asks, almost amused.
‘’’I’m a man of privacy, if you know what I mean, Sir.’’’ He smiles, looks at the others grinning more now.
‘’’Indeed, corporal Volkov?’’’ He asks and I know he is playing with me.
‘’’Yes Lieutenant; I volunteer, I want him.’’’ I tell him, feeling unfamiliar with my voice, with the chosen words, I should get involved…but I am.
‘’’Then you shall have him, but do not disappoint me corporal Volkov, he must not escape, do you understand?’’’
‘’’Of course Lieutenant, thank you.”
‘’’Get ready, we’ll be leaving shortly.’’’
I don’t know where I’ve gotten myself into, but I can’t turn my back either.
“I won`t eat this!” Aino screams, looking at the bowl of porridge in front of her, disgust clear on her features.
“Why not?” I keep my voice calm, as calm as I can manage.
“I want something else!” She insists, pushing the bowl farther away from her.
“Well you better eat it; it’s all that we have.”
You must eat.”
“It’s good and healthy, now stop complaining and eat!” My voice tightens, just too many silly fights like this, I’m tired. She looks at me, her eyes small and angry and before I can react, she takes her spoon and throws some porridge on me.
“Hey! Why did you do that for?!” My breathing turn’s unease, all calmness washes away.
“You’re stupid. I won’t eat! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Elias is stupid!! Nana naa..” She starts singing and Olavi joins her stupid song.
“Stop it and start eating or I’ll sell you to the gypsy’s!” It’s then that the singing stops and they both stare at me in disbelief.
”No you wouldn’t” It’s said with a careful voice, almost scared and yet unbelieving.
“Oh yes I would.” Olavi’s lower lip starts to tremble and soon he starts to cry, tears form in Aino’s eyes and soon enough I have two crying children sitting at the table with me.
My head is aching; it was only a joke, silly joke, but joke none the less. I feel so exhausted, my body weights a ton and I simply feel like I just can’t find the strength for another day of this.
Feeling about to fall apart I rise from my seat and walk into the living room. Tears in my eyes, hard to breath, I lean against the wall to which I would just want to slam my head against. I can’t go on; I just want a moment of rest, moment to myself, to my own thoughts. My hands reach to my temples, wanting to grasp the headache, throw it away. ‘It won’t last forever, it won’t last forever, soon, the war must end soon, it must…’ I keep repeating to myself and finally I manage to calm myself, pull myself together, thinking of her and the future gives me the strength that I need to go on.
I sit back on my seat and offer a smile to my siblings who still have tears in their eyes.
“Let’s pretend that this is something really good. What is your favourite food Aino?” I ask her, reaching for my bowl. At first she only blinks, but when I just keep smiling at her, she starts to think.
“I like strawberry ice cream …” Aino answers almost with a whisper, she’s only tasted it once and has been dreaming of it ever since.
“Sounds good, and what about you Olavi?” I turn to look at him.
“Pancakes and strawberry’s” He says with his childlike voice.
“Okay, now imagine that we are having that. Remember what those taste like and close your eyes. “Mmmh… strawberry ice cream …” I start closing my own eyes, and I know that they are looking at me. I bring the spoon in my mouth and start making sounds like I was really enjoying my supper. “It tastes so good, so smooth, and creamy… like summer.” I keep going. I know I must look like a total idiot and sound like one too, if anyone should come in now and look at us.
Soon they are eating too, telling me out loud how good it tastes. It is only porridge, but especially at a time such as this, imagination can come handy.
There were times when I caught myself hoping that she’d die. I was selfish, I wanted out…
Times when I woke in the middle of the night, to the intense sound of her cough, it was only a matter of time… Mornings when I washed the blood stains from her pillow, heavy red against pure white…
I hated myself, I wanted to rid of the thoughts of evil, but I couldn’t stop them…
I wanted to live, but I did not want to live the life of fear, being a slave to it, our days controlled by it. The loneliness was unbearable, who was there to talk to?
I almost left them, almost… For a small moment of a day, I thought I could carry it out, I walked with hurried steps, along the sand road leading out of the village, the day was grey, windy and wet, I walked… upset and weary, I couldn’t breath… I was dying, that’s what I felt like inside, I was going mad and it would kill me, I had to get out, away… but in the end I couldn’t do it, I guess I had known it even before leaving and for some time, some minutes I looked numbly at the road ahead of me, road to my freedom… but I couldn’t… my love for my family, it drew me back, I couldn’t leave… My siblings had become my life; the only way for me too leave was to leave with them… And I returned, maybe they sensed how close it had been, because the rest of the day, they did not part my side, non of us voiced it out loud, but I felt it… perhaps they did as well.
Perhaps God is punishing me for my sin… I almost left…almost.
The wall is almost white.
I blink, trying to block away the cold hands that are moving on my naked flesh, the wall… The dirt forms patters, I almost see a face in one of them… lips are moving as if to speak, a swan…We used to stare at the clouds, laying on the long grass at summer, watching as the clouds slowly moved across the sky, the images they formed always fascinated me.
It’s so cold, why is it so cold? I hear them speak, the man in white, the woman… The patters on the wall form couples that are dancing, I close my eyes and I see them, I can hear the music, I can see the faces; laughing, summer breeze… how moist grass felt beneath bare feet’s… water, when you touched the still mirror like surface of a lake, fascinated how the touch broke the stillness; your touch…
Suddenly I am attacked by cold water and I try to shelter my naked body from it, shivering and squealing, cold… so cold… White, white all over… mixes with red… Mother…. Mother, I need you…
Voices, unknown language, the water stops and the hands pull me away, they dry and dress me, and the clothes are much too big…
The next room is dark, my hands are tied behind my back, and I sit on the floor on my knees, my head hung low, unable to move because the robe that ties my wrists goes do on my ankles that are tied together as well. No use, alone and waiting, waiting until another monster claims my body.
Unsure of the time, listening to the voices from outside the room, I wait. The familiar fear gripping at my throat, tears of desperation; it’s so dark. I think of my father, I see his smiling face and try to hold onto it… maybe it’s possible to close down ones mind and escape, so that my body remains but my mind is some place else? Somewhere I can’t really feel?
I feel hungry and sick; I think I’m going to throw up…
Everything is surreal, I open my eyes only to find the unfading darkness still around me, woken by the distant yet growing echo of boots hitting the wooden floor, someone is coming… I feel like caught in a dream, a nightmare, a lingering feeling, it’s too much to be true, too horrid to call a reality… I’m a mere object here…
The door opens with a crack and with who ever enters comes the light, but I do not look, I don’t want to see or feel… Not anymore…
The man comes closer, speaks of the language that I can not understand, but his voice is gentle, almost kind and hesitantly I bring my head up, wanting to see… It’s the man with brow eyes, the man who took care of me and now I question about his motives… He knees down close beside me and part of me wants to back away, he smiles, it’s a sad smile and soothing, there’s a bowl of soup in his hands and immediately my stomach growls, begging to be fed.
He speaks and gives a light chuckle, takes the spoon and brings it closer to my mouth, he could have poisoned it? I wonder, glaring at him with doubt… He nods his head and again speaks, brings the spoon in his own mouth and tastes, he then smiles offering some for me. This time, though still hesitant, I bring myself to taste it, hunger takes over, the primary will to survive.
So I eat, allow to be fed by a stranger, but he’s the only one of these enemies to show me some form of kindness… But…There’s always a prise to be paid, isn’t there?
It’s an old school building, taken to use by the army and by the looks of everything, this shall be our location for sometime. I walk towards the room, carrying a bowl of soup, at the door I stop and sigh, knowing what is expected of me and also knowing that it’s too much.
The boy is kneeled upon a mattress, hands and legs bound and this position must be awkward, for it allows hardly any movement. Hesitantly I walk closer, the boy avoids my gaze, the over sized shirt he’s wearing falls off on his shoulders, revealing skin.
‘’You must be hungry,’’’ I speak, though I know he won’t understand, I kneel down beside him and finally get his interest, I hear his stomach growl and though the situation isn’t by any means forth of laughter, I can’t stop a small chuckle that escapes my lips,
‘’’I take that as a yes,” I smile gently at him and bring the spoon close to his mouth, he glares at me with doubt like a wounded, frightened animal, ‘’’it’s alright, it’s only food, but I understand; of course you’re afraid.” I nod my head and then decide to taste the soup myself, ‘’’See? I wouldn’t poison you, I’m not here to harm.’’’ I keep smiling in away that I hope is soothing and once more bring the spoon close to his mouth, though still hesitant, he tastes it, keeping his eyes on me as if preparing for any sudden and wrong movements that I might make, but I simply continue to feed him, hoping to earn his trust.
‘’’I know you’re still hungry, I try and bring you some more before the night,’’’ I explain putting the bowl down. I sigh and look around in the room, boards that cover the windows, a stove with a fire. I look at the boy again, ‘’’they expect me to…’’’ I start and he glances at me carefully and I sigh, ‘’’this is crazy…’’’ I look at his face, the soft features, eyes that are doubtful and glimmering with sadness, of knowledge much too high for a normal 15 year old…. ‘’You are very beautiful…’’’ I voice my thoughts, ‘’’What is your name?’’’ I ask, but he remains silent, of course he doesn’t understand.
‘’’Alexander,’’’ I speak as I point myself in my chest, ‘’’’my name is Alexander. What is your name?’’’ I ask pointing at him, but he turns his face away, the silence resuming. I nod my head once more, more to myself, he might understand, but can I blame him for choosing silence?
I look at him for a long time, wanting to tell him that I’m sorry, sorry that he’s been hurt, sorry that I can’t understand and that I can’t do anything to help. But what’s the use? A single tear forms in his eyes, falling down on his cheek, down on his lips, he takes a shaky breath, avoids my gaze and helplessly I watch as more tears fall silently on the pale, smooth skin.
‘’’I’m sorry,’’’ pitiful I think, it’s not sorry he needs and yet it’s the only thing I can offer. His lips tighten and stubbornly he keeps his gaze cast down and I, my foolish hand reaches out to gently wipe the tears away, he startles, his eyes wide and panicked; scared animal who can’t escape the touch.
‘’’I don’t want to hurt you,’’’ I speak gently, hoping to calm him, ‘’’it’s alright’’’ I continue, as my hand continues to caress the soft skin.
I shouldn’t get involved… I draw my hand back, see the confusion and fear in the green orbs, that captivate me and… I shouldn’t get involved… What chance does the boy have?
Troubled with my thoughts I stand and look away. I know what they expect…
Again I look at the boy, kneeling over the mattress, helpless and fragile… young… He looks at me, his eyes still glimmering with sorrow and pain, curiosity and perhaps hope?
‘’’I can’t help you!’’’ I burst out, frustrated almost, ‘’’I can’t’’’ I add more calmly. ‘’’I’m already too involved, I can’t help you out even though I want to, but if I’ll help you, it’s my neck on the line. I’m about to get promoted, do you understand? I am to marry once the war ends, I’ll inherit a large fortune form my father. If I help you, it will cost all that and more, it will cost me my whole life.’’’ I try to explain, perhaps to convince myself.
‘’’They expect me to take you… I came here to…’’’ I take a deep breath, ‘’’… to take pleasure from you… Only I-…’’’ The boy, who still has tears clouding his eyes, only tilts his head as he looks at me, listening, I almost get fooled that he understands, I hope he would…’’’I don’t want to hurt you, you don’t deserve to be hurt, I wish… To be honest I don’t know what to do.’’’ I sigh. ‘’’I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t want to touch you, because I do, you are… beautiful.’’’ He continues to look at me, but shifts his weight a little. ‘’’You’re uncomfortable…of course… how stupid me, perhaps at least I can help you with that.’’’ I slowly walk closer and once again kneel by his side, when I reach out to touch him, he whimpers and backs away, or at least tries to. ‘’’I won’t harm you, I promise…’’’ I tell him calmly as I start working with the robes, I’d have to unbind him anyway if I was to do what I was supposing to.
‘’’Are you in pain?’’’ I don’t know why I really keep talking to him, perhaps it calms me? Perhaps it eases my guilt? ‘’’I…I promise I’ll try, to at least make it easier on you. I know it’s not much, but…’’’I look at him briefly, getting his hands free; I gently stoke the skin around his wrists, then remove the robe from around his ankles. The boy seems much too weak to even think of escaping, I can easily handle him; he trembles but stays still, watching.
‘’’I should go now, but… I’ll come back before night, I’ll bring you more food, perhaps I can get some bread for you as well.’’’ I stand up slowly, hesitating. ‘’’I truly am sorry…’’’I tell him one more time before I make my leave.
I know I can’t turn my back away now and troubles will follow, that I’m certain… but what can I do? I don’t have a clue.
‘’’I’m sorry I have to bind you again, I just hope it’s more comfortable.’’’ I explain as I bring his wrist in front of him to bind them again, then his ankles, ‘’’now you can lie down if you want,’’’ I give him a short smile, noticing his eyes still on me, they’re more curious now than frightened.
© KOLGRIM 8.Silent victims