(Currently editing this story; March 2022)
This story is the exclusive intellectual property of the author ©Kolgrim, any partial/total unauthorized use of the contents is considered an act of plagiarism.
He still thought of Joni often, the memories of him haunted his dreams as persistently as they did his days, even though he had sworn to his therapist that he was rid of the obsession. His therapist, a man in his fifties, bored with his life or perhaps his job, seemed too easy to be played with. The questions were ridiculously predictable and so were the answers that the questions sought.
The man seemed pleased; ”You’re on a good path here,” he had said after their previous session and Chris had smiled, gratefully just like he wanted to portray. ”You are beginning to see the error of your ways.” They had talked about his mother’s and father’s relationship, of course, his behavior was a symptom caused by his childhood. He was angry at his mother for being too weak and he was angry at his father, yet he had behaved just like him in a similar situation, which had resulted in anger with himself.
He needed to learn to appreciate himself and learn to know himself properly for the healing process to take place. He needed to acknowledge when and where these violent thoughts and actions awoke and try to find another way to release the aggression, a healthier and, most of all, harmless way.
This, he assured, he wanted to do for himself as well.
Freedom; how he longed for it, how he counted the days to his release, it would only be another seven months, the original sentence cut in half as he was a first-timer. He was aware that in many other countries he would have served a much longer time for his crime. Still, for him, even a little over a year felt too long, especially when his only friend in prison would be released much earlier.
”I’ll promise to visit you…” The green-eyed man promised one night, hand on his hard member, moving teasingly slowly up and down on its length. Chris’ head had fallen backward for a moment, panting through his parted lips, his gaze shifting to the open magazine next to them. It was his friend who had brought it to him; as a surprise gift and comfort for lonely nights, something to inspire him. His ex was back to modeling and now Chris could still follow him, at least through these adverts. Joni had recovered, the athletic pictures for some sports line revealed parts of a well-trained figure, lean muscles under the seemingly flawless skin. The pictures, the so-called adverts, exuded sex and revealed that Joni hadn’t changed.
He had just been conveniently pushed aside with an exaggerated excuse so that Joni could continue with his current boyfriend, who obviously didn’t mind the way Joni presented himself. The other man took his organ in his mouth while playing with his balls in his hand and Chris groaned, thrusting in deeper, almost making the other gag, and then place his other hand on his stomach to calm him down a bit. Chris kept gazing at the picture, imagining Joni in the place of his friend. He closed his eyes, fucking the warm offering mouth, groaning in pleasure as he came. The one on his knees before him smiled, licking his lips for the remains of his seed. ”Will you miss me when I’m gone?” The voice asked teasingly. And Chris answered with a lazy, relaxed smile.
”You know the answer…” he said and brought his pants back up. ”And…”
”…I will visit,” the other man promised, then glanced at the magazine and grinned when shifting his gaze back to him. ”And send you more pictures.” He winked and Chris ran his hand through the other’s hair, grinning back at him.
”Good, I know that you’re the only one I can count on. You’re the only true friend I have anymore.” The other man smiled at him, they shared an understanding, they understood each other.
”Gods, these people, can they move any more slowly?” Joni grumbled under his breath and Misha gave him an amused look. ”I mean seriously, I think they should consider building some sort of lanes for people, you know, like for cars?”
”What?” Misha chuckled looking at him once more.
”Yeah, like people who are going that way,” Joni pointed ahead. ”And people who are going back there,” he pointed at the direction they were coming from. ”Possibly some sort of traffic lights might work as well.” Just then an old, rather fat lady with her shopping cart and a younger slimmer woman with her children stopped on their tracks to marvel at the couches on display, all spread so that they were conveniently blocking the whole aisle. Misha could see the irritation forming on Joni’s face as they drew nearer and these people didn’t seem to realize that they were blocking the way. He lowered his hand on the brunet’s shoulder. ”Calm down,” he whispered, smiling and when they were close he said; ”Excuse me,” and the women looked at him surprised and then apologetic.
”Oh, sorry,” the younger woman said and they moved.
”It is that easy,” Misha said as they moved easily past. ”Problem solved,” he added and to himself, he thought how Finnish people easily seemed to have this problem; instead of asking ”excuse me, can you move?” They preferred glaring at the obstacle ahead, assuming that said obstacle, a person, should have sense enough to realize that they were in the way, simply from that glare directed at the back of their head. This thought wasn’t something he wanted to share with Joni, because it would make him snap in his current agitated mood, but it did cause him to grin rather suspiciously.
Someone moved from behind them, bumping into Joni as he went and didn’t even stop to apologize, it made the brunet almost growl and Misha too felt annoyed at the man who had almost made his boyfriend lose his balance. Why was it so difficult to say ”excuse me?” And then they spotted three teenage girls at one of the bedroom sample rooms looking at them and whispering to each other, when they noticed him looking back they giggled and blushed. Joni rolled his eyes and sighed, but managed some sort of smile. ”Gods I hate Ikea on Saturday noon, I don’t understand what possessed you into taking us here.”
”Well, we need new furniture if we’re seriously thinking about getting our place, right?” Misha answered calmly and smiled when stopping to look at one double bed. ”And we do need a new bed most urgently,” the blond nodded, their current one had lately begun to creak quite a bit, shocked perhaps by being so frequently used for other activities than sleeping. ”What do you think of this one?” Misha asked and Joni sighed, looking at the bed frames with dark metal pillars on them. The bed looked nice enough and he knew why Misha wanted their bed to have pillars. The perv, Joni thought and grinned to himself.
”I’m not buying our new bed from Ikea,” the younger man said, however.
”Because… We can afford better,” Joni answered and looked up at him. ”Can’t we go someplace else?”
”I like Ikea,” Misha said. ”Why spend a fortune when you can get decent stuff for a moderate price?”
”I don’t want a home that looks fresh out of some Ikea catalog page, plus what if it starts to creak as well?” Joni asked.
”It doesn’t have to look like that,” Misha assured, took a pen, and wrote down the information of the bed that they were looking at, just in case. ”And there’s nothing wrong with the quality.”
”I still want to look elsewhere too, it’s my bed too after all,” Joni replied in a somewhat annoyed tone.
”Of course it is and of course, we can look elsewhere,” the blond assured him with a smile, discreetly touching Joni’s arm.
They continued moving further in the store, the place was indeed quite crowded and they had to walk rather slowly to get anywhere. Joni, who loved shopping when it came to buying clothes, hated furniture or grocery shopping on busy Saturdays like this one. Someone was always bumping into you, standing by to chat with their friend and blocking the way. ”Figures that the Swedish designed this shop, can’t even get out before you see the whole freaking thing…” Joni mumbled as they were nearing the cafeteria.
”I thought you loved the Swedish since you have talked so much about moving there.” Misha teased before he continued. ”And actually, you can avoid walking through the whole place, if you want to.” He pointed out and Joni glared at him but didn’t reply. ”So are you hungry yet? How about some meatballs?” It wasn’t good to keep Joni hungry because it made him more easily irritated than normal and it started to sound like it would be a good idea to eat.
Joni looked at his boyfriend, then at the cafeteria that was full of people and their screaming children. ”Oh no, I am so not going to eat there!” He huffed and moved towards the stairs, Misha grinned and followed.
”Period again, huh?” Misha asked as he calmly followed, he was smiling as Joni glared at him, clearly, it was the busy shopping place that got him stressed.
”Don’t even start,” Joni warned. They were now downstairs watching the cutlery. Joni, seeing something he liked, went towards it and Misha followed calmly behind. They had now lived for almost seven months with Ivo and Jami and lately had started to rethink getting their apartment. Although there had been fun times with all four of them, it also sometimes felt like the walls were closing in and privacy was needed. Where sex was concerned, Joni could simply relax far better when he knew they were completely alone and Misha figured that if he seriously intended to bottom for Joni someday, he too would welcome complete privacy.
Though Joni and he did have silly little arguments at times, they both knew that they were just that; silly and little, easily solved and easily forgotten. They were doing good in all other aspects and so it felt easy to take the next step forward.
”What did you find?” Misha asked with a whisper, stepping behind Joni who was looking at small espresso cups. Joni turned to look at him.
”Can we get an espresso machine? I’ve always wanted one and these cups look nice.”
”Do you even drink espresso?” Misha wondered, cocking his brow.
”I might if I had the machine,” Joni replied. ”And you can make cappuccino with it as well. And wouldn’t it be fun to serve special coffee for guests?”
Misha grinned, now Joni was calmer again and not so irritated to be spending Saturday afternoon in Ikea. ”Yes, sure, we’ll get that machine.” Misha agreed and Joni smiled, placing six cups into the bag that Misha carried.
”You know what else I want?”
”Tell me?” Misha held back the urge to kiss his now smiling boyfriend. Though many knew by now who they were and that they were a couple, kissing in such a place with families and all, wouldn’t perhaps be looked at so kindly.
”A wine cabinet,” Joni grinned. ”And when we’re old and disgustingly rich, I want a wine cellar as well!”
”Oh my,” Misha chuckled. ”A wine cabinet is easy, but a whole cellar?” He wondered. ”How do we get so disgustingly rich?” He asked and they slowly moved forward in the shop. Joni shrugged.
”Well, I’ll model and then I’ll be discovered in Hollywood and become a famous actor and you’ll write the bestselling book about the white wolf and the little black fox.” Joni chuckled, grinning at him. ”Just kidding.”
”Good, because Hollywood is the last place I’d like to go.” Misha smiled and they continued to walk.
”I doubt it would be the last place,” Joni said then and when Misha glanced at him, he smiled. ”I mean, if someone asked you, hey, here’s two plane tickets; Afghanistan and Hollywood, California, which would you honestly take?” The brunet was grinning and Misha sighed with a smile.
”Well, that is an unfair choice, but okay, you are right, I’d rather choose the dazzling white smiles.”
”And trust me I have plenty of other options to give to you,” Joni said next.
”I do not doubt that,” Misha responded grinning.
They continued slowly towards the cash registers. ”Just to let you know, I am happy like this, I don’t feel like I’d need more,” Joni whispered and smiled at Misha. ”And… I’m sorry that I’ve been whining so much today…”
Misha chuckled softly. ”I’m used to it”, he responded grinning. ”I’d be surprised if you hadn’t whined.”
”Hey! Don’t make it sound like I whine all the time!” Joni protested.
With a discreet touch of a hand, a gentle squeeze, Misha smiled at Joni. ”You don’t whine all the time,” he whispered. ”I just knew you’d whine here…” He grinned.
”And still you considered it a good idea to take me here?” Joni wondered.
”Perhaps I secretly enjoy it…”
Joni chuckled and rolled his eyes. ”Perv…” he whispered and Misha, unable to help himself, pinched Joni’s side, making him release a loud giggle-like scream. A few heads turned, one older man gave them a nasty glare which caused Misha to wink at him, which distressed the man, who huffed and quickly turned.
Saturday afternoons and shopping, what could be better?
Joni had graduated from high school with better grades than his father could have ever dreamed of, he got eximia cum laude approbatur for English and health education, Magna cum laude approbatur for Finnish, cum laude approbatur for psychology and with math, well, it wasn’t his strongest subject, Joni claimed it bored him and hadn’t cared to study it with devotion, nevertheless, he wrote Lubenter approbatur on Math.
Misha was surprised and proud of Joni’s grades, somewhat ashamed as well remembering how he at one time, ages ago it now seemed, had wondered how such an airhead could even manage to get through the Finnish high school system. Joni wasn’t quite sure what he wanted for his future, but he decided to take another year to think about it while working as a model. He thought about applying to university to study English, or then perhaps study as a physiotherapist or something similar. Misha thought Joni would enjoy something physical better than anything where he’d be stuck in an office to do some paperwork. Plus, as he had playfully taken note to his boyfriend; if he was planning to become an English teacher to teenagers or young adults, how could he assume any of his students to be able to concentrate on his teaching? Or if he planned to teach children, how could he expect his own nerves to take it? Joni had to admit, Misha had a point there, concerning the children. And if Joni was honest, his worst nightmare would be teaching anything to teenagers, who could be annoying, possibly just as annoying as he himself had been.
”Have you ever thought that you could work as someone who would help other people to find the right clothes that suit their style or something? You know, something other fashion related,” Jami asked one day when they were out shopping together. Joni gave him a glare, okay Jami was trying to be helpful perhaps when Joni had wondered out loud what else he could do besides modeling, but was he honestly serious with such a dumbass suggestion? ”I mean you do have a great eye for fashion,” Jami continued when seeing the look that Joni gave him.
”Dressing other people doesn’t interest me.” Joni sighed then and continued looking through some jeans. ”And what was the point of all that hard work I put on getting good grades if I would just… dress people?”
”You helped me with how to dress nicely!” Sonja reminded. ”It could be something to do on the side of regular work.” Sonja often dragged along with him and Jami, claiming that gay men were the best company for a woman who loved to shop. Joni liked her and she liked him, they had become friends as well. Considering that she was Eva’s cousin, Sonja was amazingly laid back in Joni’s opinion.
”Yes, but you’re a friend.” Joni winked. ”Anyway… I also have better things to do in my spare time and I want to figure out what to study next, not what I could do as another hobby.”
”You’re still so young, you have time… And it seems modeling is really working out for you.” Sonja smiled.
”But like my dad so often likes to remind me; one day you will grow old too my boy, and get wrinkles and gray hair!” He mimicked his father’s voice with an exaggerated tone and a frown on his face. ”And I go: oh God, no, really?” Joni chuckled.
”Hey, but men can grow old and still be sexy like… Sean Connery…” Sonja sighed dreamily. ”I’d still do him, even if he’s like a hundred.”
”Okay… There she goes again…” Jami sighed.
”And oh… Johnny Depp… Brad Pitt… They’re like nearing fifty and still so fucking hot… Uuh, George Clooney…” Jami exchanged looks with Joni, grinning at each other.
”I think we need to find a boyfriend for Sonja…”
”Yes we do,” the woman agreed. ”Joni, any hot straight models that you know and are available and wouldn’t mind a woman who’s a little on the chubby side?”
”You’re not chubby Sonja,” Jami sighed. ”Joni, tell her that she’s not chubby.”
”You’re not chubby,” Joni agreed. ”You just have huge breasts… And if I understand correctly, straight guys love them,” he winked.
The woman chuckled. ” Oh you,” she sighed then. ”I know I am chubby though, and you both are sweet for lying… I do also have huge tits,” She grinned ”I’m like… the Finnish Bridget Jones! And I need to find my Mr. Darcy!”
”Well… There’s no Mr. Darcy among the models that I know… They’re all too stuck up about their own good looks and greatness, so vain that even I’m annoyed with how vain they are, the kind of guys that just aim to get as many women into their beds as they can…”
”Too bad…” Sonja sighed with slight disappointment.
”Well, I promise to keep my eyes open,” Joni said and made Sonja grin back at him.
”How about going out tonight?” Jami suggested, Ivo was away for that weekend on a business trip and Jami didn’t feel like staying at home watching TV. ”To a straight bar,” he added with a grin when seeing the look that Sonja gave him.
”I would love to,” Sonja nodded eagerly. ”Where?”
”Anywhere you like,” Jami answered and then glanced at Joni. ”Would you like to go?”
”Sure, why not. Haven’t been out in a while.” Joni smiled. ”And Misha had some plans with his friends too this evening, so…”
”Yay! Girls night out! Whee!” Sonja teased the two men and laughed. ”We can go start at my place!”
”Great, let’s go buy some wine then,” Jami suggested. ”Get the evening started…”
One thing that Joni loved in their relationship was that they were able to spend time apart and enjoy time with their separate friends without the other getting jealous about it. Misha did call him though, like he often did when he was out with his friends drinking, it wasn’t the paranoid check up call like with Chris, more of a ”you’re in my thoughts” call.
Joni sat on the couch, a wine glass in his other hand, talking to Misha and sniggering. Jami and Sonja watched the young man with amusement.
”Living together… The rare occasion of both out having fun with their friends in separate places and then they spend 30 minutes of that time talking with each other on the phone…” Sonja muttered. ”I don’t pretend to get it, but that has to be true love.”
”How sickening,” Jami chuckled. Ivo and he didn’t behave like that, Ivo had called him the day before but the call had been brief. They were doing good but it did bother him sometimes that Ivo wasn’t ready to even tell his grandmother about him and Misha was taking Joni to visit her in just a couple of weeks. On the other hand he understood Ivo’s hesitation, they had had enough problems with Jami’s parents, getting them to accept Ivo. And who knew how the old woman would take both her grandsons’ leaning towards men.
Finally Joni ended the call, with a huge grin on his face. ”What’s that smile about?” Jami asked, smiling.
”Oh nothing…” Joni sighed. ”Misha might later join us with his friends at the club.”
”Straight friends?” Sonja asked hopefully and Jami laughed.
”Jesus, you are horny…” The shorter man rolled his eyes.
”I think most of them are straight, yes”, Joni smiled.
”Any potential? How old?” Sonja continued questioning, ignoring the amused look that both men were giving her.
”He’s with his old classmates, so they’re twenty-five… I don’t know them really, I haven’t had the chance to meet them yet.”
”I was hoping slightly older, but it’s okay, just a year younger than me,” Sonja sighed and was quiet for a moment before adding: ”I really shouldn’t be sounding this desperate, right?” She asked then and Joni couldn’t help but to grin.
”Well… Acting cool usually works better.”
”Point taken,” she nodded and got up to get another cider for herself.
Later, all three of them took a taxi to a club that played live music, recommended by Sonja’s little sister Tea, who would be joining them. Joni had also called Dima, not having seen his best friend in a while since Dima had been busy studying for the exams to get into medical school and Dima had agreed to meet them at the club. Linda was too tired to join he said, after just getting home from a late evening shift. Joni looked forward to spending time with Dima, out having fun and drinking like they had done when they were younger, this time the only difference was that they were both of the legal age to do so.
The place was crowded, Joni had only recently started visiting clubs again, it didn’t make him as uncomfortable as it had at one point. He was starting to get used to the looks that he got and the attention from strangers, luckily mostly he was left alone and it was just those long stares and obvious whispering that he had to put up with.
Dima was the first to join them and being in a company of three men suddenly started to worry Sonja; it might scare away the potential suitors. The woman seemed to be on a clear mission; to find a suitable guy and not go home alone that night. Finding someone would perhaps be easy, but if Sonja wanted a potential boyfriend then she would have to calm down her behavior.
Tea arrived then and with her, to Joni’s disappointment, was who else but Eva. Joni watched how Eva immediately spotted Dima, how her eyes seemed to instantly light up and a smile rose to her painted red lips. He had a bad feeling that his evening was officially ruined.
”Hi,” Eva said, ignoring everyone else at the table. Joni glanced at his friend who smiled back at her.
”Hi,” Dima greeted with a surprised tone. ”It’s been such a long time!” He grinned looking at her and Joni wanted to groan. He had already once talked Dima out of going for a coffee with her and now this…
”It really has, can I sit down?” Eva asked with a bright smile.
”Sure, we can make room, right Joni?” Dima asked and unwillingly Joni moved but not before exchanging a poisonous look with Eva, who slowly sat down.
”Joni, I heard you finally graduated, congratulations,” she smiled at him, sounding polite but Joni knew she was only acting polite to him because of Dima and the words could be taken the other way too, because of that one word; finally...
”Thanks,” Joni sighed and glanced towards Jami, who noticed his sourness towards the girl. Jami could understand it well and didn’t like Eva either, not after hearing how she liked to badmouth Joni and after hearing how she had commented on Chris’ arrest, her comment suggesting that it shouldn’t be such a huge surprise with Joni’s behavior that he had gotten himself abused. Of course Eva didn’t know just how severe it had been, but the sentence that Chris had gotten should speak for the severity alone. Jami had never told Joni what Eva had blurted out, it hadn’t seemed important because he hadn’t expected the two to meet like this. He wondered now, however, whether Dima should know, because it seemed that he was all too happy to see his ex-girlfriend.
”And still modeling, I’ve seen your adverts, looks great…” That tone of voice, how Joni hated it.
”Yeah, I’m still modeling.” Another short answer, Joni took a sip of his drink.
”What are you doing here?” He decided to ask then, not caring if it came out rude or not.
”I came with my cousin to listen to good music, Kasper is playing here today with his band.” She looked straight into his eyes and smiled spitefully. ”I think they’re next to perform.”
”I didn’t know he still played.” Joni said flatly and took a sip of his beer. He suddenly felt stressed somehow, nervous and agitated.
”He is, they’re quite good,” Eva grinned. ”They might get a record deal soon,” she bragged.
”I am happy for them,” Joni looked at her and smiled, the tension between the two was clear to others at the table.
”How are you, Dima?” Eva decided to ask and the two of them fell into conversation. Joni sincerely hoped that Dima wouldn’t forget the wonderful woman he had waiting for him at home.
”Are you okay?” Jami asked with a whisper across the table. Joni nodded and flashed a small smile.
”Fine. I’ll be right back.” Joni said, finished his drink and went towards the men’s room. He saw the band getting their gears ready on the stage, he saw Kasper and stopped. He looked different, older, not so boyish anymore and not quite so pale, he still wore makeup around his eyes though, but dressed much more smartly. Suddenly Kasper looked up and for a moment their eyes met. Joni felt confused, he gave the other a hesitant smile and the other nodded acknowledging him. Kasper’s expression was difficult to read though.
Joni turned, continued towards the toilets, his heart beating fast. After Chris, he had really started to rethink his past and his previous actions, questioning his own behavior, especially with Kasper. He had misled the other, he had knowingly played with Kasper’s feelings and for that he felt guilty. He wondered if he should apologize to him. Misha, who now knew the whole story with the Kasper incident as well, thought he was silly to be thinking like that, it was Kasper who had wronged him, not the other way around. Joni wondered if Misha would have thought differently if they weren’t a couple and felt quite sure that the answer would be yes.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw that Eva and Dima had moved closer to the stage. The band had started to play and Joni felt upset for Linda’s sake. He was pretty sure that Linda wouldn’t like it if she knew that Dima was spending this time with his ex-girlfriend. He also felt annoyed that Eva was stealing this time that he had wanted to spend with his friend without their partners present. With these feelings in mind, Joni decided to walk over to them and tapped his friend’s shoulder.
”What are you doing?” He whispered into Dima’s ear.
”Listening to the music,” The blond answered dumbly.
”With her? What would Linda think?” Dima sighed and glanced at Eva who was eyeing Joni with annoyed expression. Taking a gentle hold of Joni’s arm, Dima led him to the side.
”Nothing will happen… We are only chatting.” Dima reasoned. ”I will tell Linda that I met Eva here.”
”And I bet she’ll be overjoyed…” Joni retorted sarcastically before turning to walk back to their table, annoyed at his friend for not seeing Eva’s true colors. He knew how Eva had hurt Dima breaking up with him in such a rude way, he knew that Eva had been Dima’s first love and now he was worried. He also knew that Eva wanted Dima back, but she didn’t deserve him and he didn’t want Dima to make the mistake of his life. He had everything that he could ever wish for in Linda and hopefully his friend would remember that.
Joni wondered if Misha’s presence could help to prevent anything stupid happening between those two, Joni wasn’t sure but decided to text his boyfriend. ”Snake woman, also known by the name of Eva, is at the club and trying to seduce your little brother… And I miss you…Can you come over?” It didn’t take long for Misha to answer.
”I’ll be there as soon as I can baby, don’t let the snake get him, miss you too ;)” Joni read the message and smiled, feeling better already. He decided to get the others and join Eva and Dima in front of the stage, as weird as it felt for him to watch Kasper play. But perhaps that evening, he could also apologize to him for being silly as a teenager and not considering his own faults? Perhaps, if the opportunity would present itself; Joni decided.
A/N: Please review , either on the guestbook or the bottom of this page 🙂
Web published: October 7th, 2012.
My Secret Shore